Russell Wilson Told Peter King That His Awful Game Was Just God Setting Him Up For Triumph

When last we left the world’s worst Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon player, Peter King, he was explaining that the nation is just a few short years from putting all this “NFL lied to everyone” ugliness behind us and once again trusting Roger Goodell like the unquestioned lord of the universe that he is. Peter also did his best to blame the Broncos divisional round loss on Julius Thomas because dealing with Peyton Manning’s failures is hard for PK sometimes.

But what about this week? Oh man, the Russell Wilson fluffing is just too much. Turn away! Turn away! READ ON.

SEATTLE — In the Seahawks’ locker room, maybe 45 minutes after the NFC Championship Game ended, I stood and looked around.

Pray tell, what majesty did thine eyes alight upon?

A story in every corner of the room.

“Nuggets, as far as the eye could see! A bounteous collection of scoopworthy access nuggets. I would try to sweep them into my arms, but surely many would spill onto the floor.”

I can picture PK training an apprentice, assuring him that one day they too will be able to reduce all humanity into stories easily packaged for sports #content. “You see a flood that wiped out a town, but I see legions of fluff pieces about people using sports to get through hard times.”

Where the defensive backs dressed, there was Richard Sherman grimacing as his father Kevin helped him put his shirt on, gingerly maneuvering his hyperextended left elbow. “Dressing him just like when he was a little boy,” a bystander said.

“Awww how adorable that injury is!”

A few lockers down, still in full uniform, safety Earl Thomas, his shoulder dislocated, sat and stared ahead blankly — I’m guessing dreading the act of taking his uniform off because of the oncoming pain.

Peter King blankly staring at Earl Thomas blankly staring into the middle distance. My, what a scene that locker room was.

Up the row of lockers from Willson, where the wide receivers dressed, one of the two most anonymous Seahawks to dress on this day, wideout Chris Matthews, didn’t want the day to end.

How were they anonymous? Did they play without nameplates on their jerseys? You now knowing about a player doesn’t make them anonymous.

You could see it in his face, as he told the story of the onside kick that ruined the Packers and gave the Seahawks life.

All over his anonymous, blurred-out face, right?

Now, across the way, on offensive-line row, the other of the two anonymous guys

ANONYMOUS AND OBSCURE DON’T MEAN THE SAME THING, YOU FUCKING HUMP.

backup rookie tackle Garry Gilliam, a rookie free agent from Penn State, had a cell phone to his ear, and a wide smile on his face, gesturing with his hands while doing a radio interview on some distant show.

I’m just going to interpret that as Gilliam flipping PK off.

Everywhere, a story.

It’s like the title of a Dr. Seuss book for terrible journalists.

Ed Werder, the ESPN reporter, came over. “We’ve covered the game for so long,” Werder said, “and been to so many games with so many different things happening. How amazing it is that almost every time you see something you’ve never seen before. Right?”

So many stories and you’re talking to Ed Werder, who precisely none of your readers want to hear from right now.

Oh, many things. Thirty-one seasons I’ve covered the NFL, going back to a training camp in 1984 in Wilmington, Ohio, covering Paul Brown’s Bengals, and watching many a hot summer practice alongside Brown. And I started to think

“I THOUGHT, ‘HOW CAN I MAKE THIS ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!?'”

of the great games I’ve covered and how they’d compare to this one, and the only one that came to mind standing there in this locker room now was the ridiculous Houston-Buffalo wild-card game 22 years ago, with Buffalo down 35-3 in the third quarter playing a backup quarterback and, of course, coming back to win.

I do enjoy that Gregg Williams was on the defensive staff of that Oilers team. Just feels right.

But this game … this was different than anything. It was the suddenness. It was Seattle being awful for 55 minutes, as bad as they’d been in any Pete Carroll Era game of consequence, Russell Wilson capping the worst game of his high school, college or pro football career with his fourth interception with 5:04 left.

And he said he had a play he knew was going to work.

“Ok, get this idea, coach: I’ll throw the ball, but not to one of their defenders next time. Just crazy enough to work?”

Super Bowls are more often duds than scintillating affairs, and this matchup promises nothing.

But?

Except this: In the span of two hours Sunday night, Vegas spun the line significantly.

“This game might suck, but the gambling over the next two weeks will be INSANE.”

On the surface, you’d give the Patriots a ton of credit for eviscerating a team in the conference championship game, but the Colts were such paper tigers that it’s hard to know if New England is the 2007 Patriots or just a team that took advantage of a weak foe.

A weak paper tiger that Peter King picked to go to the Super Bowl before the season started.

Green Bay 19, Seattle 7
5:04 left, fourth quarter

This was Wilson’s fourth pass attempt of the day to Kearse, and the Packers intercepted all four of them. Kearse tipped two, one was short, and one was a competitive play that Kearse just lost. Strangest, and saddest, 55 minutes of the undrafted Kearse’s career.

Why yes of course Peter King is pinning all the interceptions on the receiver instead of his beloved Charmslinger. No one should have expected anything less.

Oddly, with at least five yards of green in front of him, Burnett took just a couple of steps after the interception and then dived down and covered up. He didn’t want to fumble there or get the ball stripped. But the game wasn’t over. I looked for Burnett in the Packers’ locker room after the game to talk to him, but I never saw him. I’d love to know why he didn’t try to gain some yards, even if it was with both arms protecting the ball like an old-time fullback. What safety in the open field doesn’t want to try to score?

Oh fuck you. If Burnett had, say, tried to advance the ball and fumbled out of bounds before the Packers put the game away, you’d have a pissy little item at the end of your column chastising him for being careless and selfish. It’s super easy to second guess what he did, but how much of an impact did it really have? Would five five yards of field position have made that much of a difference? The Packers went three and out on the ensuing possession and ended up punting from their own 40.

McCarthy played clockball. Lots of coaches would have done the same, to be sure. But the drive after Burnett’s interception was beyond fruitless. Seattle stopped Eddie Lacy for minus-four on first down. Timeout, Seattle. Lacy again, against a stacked box. Minus-two. Timeout, Seattle. Lacy again, against a stacked box, gain of two. No timeout. Punt. Seattle ball at its 31, 3:52 to play.

Green Bay had burned just 72 seconds. And Seattle still had a timeout left. Bad use of the clock by the Packers.

I have less a problem with that than McCarthy kicking field goals from the 1 earlier in the game.

“You mean the Whirly Bird Two-Pointer?’’

That’s what Luke Willson, the tight end from Ontario (Canada, not California)

Thanks for clarifying. I definitely assume that refers to city of 150,000 over most populous providence in Canada every time.

the former Toronto Blue Jays prospect

I don’t think I’m gonna make it this week, y’all.

was calling it after the game.

That might be the worst name for a significant play ever.

Russell Wilson, from the far sideline at the 18, knowing he was going to get blasted, threw a high-arcing prayer. That’s what it was. A 1-in-50 Hail Mary.

“Never,” Wilson said.

Oh STFU. No wonder Petey loves Wilson so much. “That play was so uber impossible, it would never work, except for when it did!”

And, of course, for dramatic purposes, Aaron Rodgers limped his way downfield, re-straining the most famous calf in American sports history, driving the packers to the tying field goal with 19 seconds left.

Overtime. The way it should never have been, but the way, suddenly, it just had to be.

This is just a tour de force of awful writing. Aaron Rodgers’ calf somehow achieves the state of being the most famous body part of its kind in sports history. Granting that claim an iota of thought is losing. That’s what Peter King dares you to do. “Here’s an argument so insipid and pointless that even contemplating it means you’ve lost.” Never mind that Peter is discussing someone’s injury like it’s a special effect in a movie.

Oh, and PK doesn’t capitalize the name of a team and employs a triple helping of schmaltz in the next line. Atrocities, Peter King commits them in writing.

Seattle 22, Green Bay 22
Start of overtime

“How about Tarvaris Jackson winning the coin toss?” said Wilson. Jackson, the designated toss-caller, is on a roll, and this time the win meant Seattle would take over at its 13.

Not only is this the saddest highlight of Tarvaris Jackson’s career, but he didn’t even do anything. The visiting team calls the coin flip in overtime.

Wilson let go of the ball at the Packer 43. It came down at the one, leading Kearse perfectly. The coverage was tight — borderline interference, in fact, with Williams’ hands going around Kearse’s neck as the ball arrived.

Waaaannnnkkkk. Let’s come up with excuses for Wilson even when he does well. I didn’t think anything could make me root for the Patriots. And that’s still true. This is still annoying as shit, though.

“Instant classic,” Bevell said.

“That may be one of the best games in NFL history,” said Wilson.

I would have loved to see three accompanying reaction quotes from the Packers.

“I hate football,” said Rodgers.

“Let’s do drink battery acid,” said McCarthy.

“Who let me stay up past 5?” asked Capers.

I found Wilson afterward, and asked him about the four picks, and going from the worst game of his life to the most exhilarating in the span of eight minutes of game time.

“That’s God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so rewarding, so special,” he said

Disgusting. I hope God sets you in front of a fucking train, Russell Wilson. Holy shit, you have to be a self-obsessed fuckstick to think God made you play like ass just to make your eventual triumph more dramatic.

alone for a moment in the locker room before heading out for the night. “I’ve been through a lot in life, and had some ups and downs. It’s what’s led me to this day.”

Generic self-reflection is generic. For someone who is supposedly charming, this dude ain’t got shit to say.

You get the feeling watching the Patriots, and listening to them after the 38-point rout of the Colts in the AFC Championship Game, that the pressure is on. They can’t just get to a sixth Super Bowl in 14 years. They’ve got to win this one. New England won in 2001, 2003 and 2004, then lost narrowly to the Giants in 2007 and 2011. A third straight loss in the Big Game wouldn’t erase anything they’ve done as a franchise, to be sure. But winning puts them on the same level with the great 49ers and Steelers dynasties

Oh for real? How many Super Bowls did those teams lose?

and in a lifetime achievement way, would make their accomplishments competitive with the 60’s Packers. The Packers won one more, yes. But the Patriots have been a power for 14 years. That Green Bay team faded after Vince Lombardi left the sidelines.

Sure, the ’60s Packers won five titles in seven years and went to six title games in the span of eight, but that’s totally just as impressive as four titles in 14 years.

But I’m really looking forward to the Super Bowl.

It’ll be a celebraish for ages, Dad Boner.

I could see the Patriots in a rout. I could see the Seahawks in a rout. Each is capable of a dominating offensive game with a will-imposing running back, and each is capable of explosive plays in the passing game. And, judging by what we’ve seen with the Patriots’ tackle-eligible play, and Seattle throwing touchdown passes to rookie tackles, coaching will be a very big part of Super Bowl 49.

Finally! It’s about time coaching was a factor in a football game. You know what? I’m getting excited for this game too.

The 49ers were already going to be under intense pressure without Jim Harbaugh coaching them in 2015. In Harbaugh’s four seasons, the team averaged 12.3 victories and was the winningest franchise in the NFC. In the four seasons before his arrival, the Niners won 6.5 game, on average, per season. And so the pressure on the next coach was going to be something like the pressure on Dave Van Gorder. Never heard of him? No wonder. He’s the catcher who succeeded Johnny Bench with the Cincinnati. He batted .211 over four forgettable years for the Reds, and he was jettisoned.

I’m telling you. I really don’t think I’m going to make it this week.

It will be announced today that Gary Kubiak will succeed John Fox as Denver’s head coach. Smart move.

Anytime you can get a coach that even lets Texans fans laugh at you, you do it.

Peter then goes into a long spiel about how John Fox is going to get the Bears to return to hard-nosed smashmouth football while also acknowledging that’s not what the Broncos were playing right before he got shitcanned. That said, hopefully Jay Cutler sticks around because it’ll be a lot more amusing to have Cutty blowing off a coach that thinks they’re a hard-ass rather than Marc Trestman.

On Tuesday at 10 p.m. Eastern Time, HBO’s “Real Sports” with Bryant Gumbel will air a segment on the 1985 Chicago Bears, and in particular how several of the players from that team have suffered (and are suffering) from cognitive problems after their starry football careers.

That’s Iron Mike Ditka, folks. Should be a piece well worth watching Tuesday night.

I’m not sure why Real Sports is letting Petey spill the beans on their biggest scoop. “Now that I know the most important part of the show, I can’t wait to tune in and have Bernie Goldberg condescend to me!”

The Fine Fifteen

T-1. Seattle (14-4).I don’t know how Vegas makes a line for Supe 49.

Even for a Peter King column, there were a shitload of typos in this thing. Being an MMQB copy editor must be the most demoralizing job. “Oh hey, gang, my word dump is published already. Sorry I didn’t tell you. Now be sure to comb through those 13,000 words and remove any mistakes. Kthanks!”

T-1. New England (14-4).

Let’s also not look past the fact that Peter has a tie for the top spot. Just surprised the rest of the league isn’t in a 30-way tie for third.

14. Buffalo (9-7). I was working out at my gym in New York City on Thursday when one of the trainers approached me and said: “Can you believe Rex went out for a beer with Jim Kelly? I love it!” Bills Nation speaks.

Your Tom Friedman Note of the Week.

The trainer continued, “So anyway, Peter, I noticed you’ve been hanging at the juice bar for about an hour now. It’s your time and all but I figure you might want to get on the elliptical or something. Okay, how about you hold this 3 lb. dumbbell while drinking? LITERALLY JUST TAKE ONE STEP!”

The Award Section
Offensive Player of the Week

Tom Brady, quarterback, New England.

Yeah okay, fine, whatever.

Russell Wilson, quarterback, Seattle.

Fuck you. Get off our planet.

No Offensive Player of the Week in my column, I feel sure, has ever been as bad as Wilson was in the first 55 minutes of a game … and I doubt as exhilarating in the final few. Wilson’s four interceptions were a career-high, at any level of football. But when he had to make plays—on 69-, 50- and 87-yard scoring drives that kept Seattle’s hopes alive and eventually won the Seahawks the game — he made them, including two gorgeous throws in overtime to beat the stunned Packers.

No, not including those two throws in overtime. That’s about all he did. To attribute those late regulation scoring drives to Wilson and not, say, Marshawn Lynch is a goddamn joke. How does anyone willingly subject themselves to this? This asshole ruins everything. This was actually a really good game but now I can’t stand it just because of the shitty way Peter distorts it to please the players he likes.

Kevin Bacon One Degree of Separation Between the Steelers Dynasty and Sunday’s Games:

In January 2015, Vinatieri, the oldest player in football at 42, missed a 51-yard field goal attempt and made one extra point in his record 30th NFL playoff game. (Jerry Rice is second at 29.)

To play the Kevin Bacon game, I think the actor needs to be involved somewhere. It’s a pretty big part of it. Unlike anything with the NFL, the rule on this is clear.

This doesn’t qualify as outrageous, but it certainly was bothersome when I found out: Tony Sparano was not told by owner Mark Davis he was being relieved of his head-coaching duties. After hearing reports that Jack Del Rio was replacing him as coach, Sparano made several phone calls to find out his fate, and he did find out, but not from Davis.

Shouldn’t an owner, the man deciding whether the current coach is going be fired or retained, be the one to tell said coach his fate? I sure think so.

Yeeeeaaaahhhh, that is fucked up. But you know what? Sparano is one of the people Peter goes out of his way to pat on the back for the slightest of achievements (“his team lost six straight, but they fought hard, darn it!”) so ultimately I’m all right with it so long as it bothers PK.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

My January travel trail so far:

Oh boy, another travel itinerary. Can never get enough of those. On second thought, I have and am completely ignoring this one.

A note about the Detroit airport: It might have become my favorite one. It sounds strange, the airport in Detroit being the best in the country, but it just might be.

“I know it sounds weird, Detroit having a nice thing, but it’s true. I’m as amazed as you are.”

Ten Things I Think I Think

j. “Let It Be” by the Beatles. Played in-stadium as ref Tony Corrente was under the hood, ruling on a fourth-quarter touchdown by Marshawn Lynch. Turns out Corrente didn’t let it be, ruling that Lynch stepped out at the nine-yard line. Cute, though, by the stadium music crew upstairs.

He must think Denver’s obnoxious IN-COM-PLETE chant is amazing. “The pass was incomplete. Then they chanted that. Fantastic stuff.”

2. I think this is what I didn’t like about Championship Sunday:

d. Stop, just stop, Seahawks, with the we-don’t-get-no-respect rants. It’s unbecoming. Doug Baldwin, you’re a good player. But that stuff gets old. Very old, particularly when you and Jermaine Kearse miss balls early, make some plays late, then somehow get motivated against the doubters.

Hey, you just described Russell Wilson’s day, except he credited God instead of haters. Huge difference!

Whatever all that means.

“You two aren’t stars that I need for quotes so I’m gonna bury you.”

e. Not sure what we saw in Seattle was a choke job by the Pack, but Seattle scoring no offensive touchdowns in the first 57 minutes, then the Packers allowing three touchdowns in the last six minutes plus the recovery of an onside kick … okay, I will call it a choke job by the Pack.

Oh okay that was a good paragraph and not a waste of everyone’s time.

l. Mike McCarthy not going for it at the half-yard line in the first quarter. I will never, ever think that’s smart with a back as ferocious and powerful as Eddie Lacy.

Here’s the thing: the Packers would be way too dominant if they didn’t have a dumbfuck coach like Mike McCarthy. He’s the only thing besides Aaron Rodgers occasionally getting hurt that keeps Green Bay from winning every year, so we might as well appreciate him for that.

3. I think Ray Lewis is going to have to get used to something, working in the media. We record things. We keep them around. It would be a good idea for the ESPN PR people to remind him of that, in fact.

Knife, meet kettle.

(I assume there are black knives)

(I just want that joke to work)

10. I think these are my non-NFL thoughts of the week:

c. Oh, about that global-warming-is-nonsense angle? Check this out.

What a clear-eyed science-tician you are! I don’t doubt that Peter has his share of global warming deniers among his readership because that’s the kind of dingus you have to be to seek out Peter King (the other kind: sports blogger with masochism problem). Still, even when Peter is in the right, he finds a way to be obnoxious about it. He makes me root for global warming just to purge the planet of humanity (assuming he counts).

e. With all the good entertainment options at home, there’s still a place for a great movie in the theater.

This week, Peter saw The Imitation Game. I’ll spare you his movie takes. I just enjoy his “You know what? In this ever-changing world, there’s still a place for movie theaters” thought that he felt he needed to share. None more dad, that PK.

h. Coffeenerdness: Thanks to the ladies at the illy coffee shop inside Detroit’s airport for being prompt, cheerful and making one heck of a triple latte, the barista asking me after my first sip: “Is it okay?” No it’s not okay. It’s fantastic. And that’s rare in the hurry-up-and-take-what-we-give-you service industry in American airports.

I’m honestly not sure what’s more off-putting: when Peter berates a rushed airport barista when there are 30 customers waiting behind him or when he singles one out for high praise. “Yes! This is how the wage slave class ought to act! You’re a credit to your income bracket, ma’am.”

i. Beernerdness: In New Orleans, I tried the Jockamo IPA from Abita Brewing, the diverse local brewery, and enjoyed it. Kind of a classic IPA, a little darker and maltier than lots of IPAs.

“I had an IPA. It was kinda dark.” Aficionado insight right there.

k. Congrats on your choice of Dartmouth, prep QB Harry Kraft (son of Pats president Jonathan Kraft). You’ll be with a good quarterback man there in Buddy Teevens.

Sure hope it works out for him. Being the son of an NFL executive ushered into an Ivy League school sounds like a rough life.

The Adieu Haiku

Russell Wilson’s tears.
Those should be shed by all teams
that passed on him. Twice.

“Russell Wilson’s tears
They should flow from his penis
Right into my mouth!”