Why can’t they all be “c*nt punt”? At least that email had the generosity to be a fun read, unlike the horror-porn sent out by an anonymous Sigma Chi fraternity brother over the Zeta Upsilon Chapter’s listserv at the College of William and Mary in Virginia. And to think, it begins so promisingly:
Subject: Life, love, and pussy
*Sigh* Somehow, it gets worse from there.
Guys, I just want to put out an early semester reminder that life is good. You’re here, you’re alive, your penis may not always work, but it hasn’t fallen off yet; be thankful. I ask you all to take a few seconds off from complaining about the cold, or preparing your schedule for Spring 2016, and look around you. There’s beer to be drunk, porn to view, and sluts to f*ck. Let me reiterate that last point: sluts are everywhere. While walking from class to class with your head down limiting exposure to the arctic winds of late, take notice of the feet shuffling by. See some riding boots? Some uggs? A hideous pair of rain boots without a cloud in sight? Now, raise your gaze from the footwear up, allow your eyes to wander from the feet up the long and slender legs of the lesser sex until finally you arrive at God’s greatest gift: the box.
Now stop. Take it all in, breath deep, imagine what kind of underwear she’s wearing, even entertain the idea she may not be wearing any at all, but stare as long as you please, they don’t mind.
Now refocus. That vagina needs you. Never mind the extremities that surround it, the 99% of horrendously illogical bullsh*t that makes up the modern woman, consider only the 1%, the snatch. Empires have risen and fallen at the hands of the female genitalia. It has made many men, and crushed countless more. Don’t allow yourself to fall victim, don’t be another statistic. Master your craft, hone your skills, and perfect your stroke. Put two moist sponges in a solo cup and f*ck that until you get it right if you have to, but do not settle until you’ve done just that: gotten it right. I can’t do this alone boys. I’m losing sleep at night thinking of all the pussies crying out for a good f&ck and not getting it, so I’m reaching out to you all in a time of need to initiate my community outreach program: Save the Sluts. Don’t let this beautiful opportunity go to waste. Seize the moment, stuff the box, and put the neglected pussies that haunt my dreams to rest.
Thank you all, and good luck.
“Put two moist sponges in a solo cup and f*ck that.” This guy knows a lot about going solo.
Banner via Getty Image, via the Daily Dot