[Shaun Alexander, as he does a minimum of 18 hours a day, sits on bended knee to address Yahweh, his second best lead blocker to Mack Strong]
God, I’d been praying and praying for you to heal this foot of mine. And, Lord, you brought succor to my wounds. For that, I am eternally grateful. You’ve let me continue to live this incredibly privileged life so long as I commit myself to your sacred service.
May I then offer one quibble, God? I came back to play 10 games – yeah – the better part of last season, sure. But 896 yards? Less than four yards a carry? Is mine a benevolent God? We’re talking career worst stats here. I’m finding my faith rocked. Doubts are starting to creep in. Big, quitting-at-the-end-of-the-season doubts.
I touted the restorative powers of prayer, did I not? Didn’t I donate that really big fucking cross to that baptist church in Alabama. You remember? That one Alabama baptist church? You told me there were those to smote and they have been smoten!
Why hast thou forsaken me in favor of the one who is called Frank Gore? He of the land of the Sodomites. No, not Dallas. The other one, the one with the bay. What is his record of good works? I’ve carried out your earthly missions, averaging clearly more than four blessings per mission carried out. Clearly, the same should apply to my football carries.
But now, I’m left with no sign that my efforts are appreciated. And thou has provided no linemen to replace Steve Hutchinson. Fuck you, Yahweh, I do it myself!
[Alexander rises to his feet, immediately feels a sharp pang in his left foot]