Some Thoughts On 7-Eleven’s Fully Loaded Doritos And The Impending Food Apocalypse

Prepare to read one of the most alarming statements that you’ll ever read from a corporate spokesperson in your life:

“This is our biggest snack rollout, ever,” says Nancy Smith, senior vice president of merchandizing at 7-Eleven. “It hits our Slurpee and Big Gulp target.” (Via USA Today)

Long have I tried to wrap my brains around the fast food marketing process and the philosophy that companies use in developing new food items and pretending like they’re something that we should eat. Among my personal favorites are Subway’s Flatizza – which is a flatbread pizza that the company claimed discovery rights to – and Taco Bell’s Quesarito, which is just a burrito wrapped in a quesadilla. And today, of all companies, 7-Eleven has perhaps trumped them with the wide release of the Doritos Loaded, which are basically cheese wedges coated with Doritos crumbs.

In fact, Jimmy Kimmel Live sent the wonderful Guillermo to try the Doritos Loaded in a bit for last night’s show, and even parody will only assist 7-Eleven in making these “inside out nachos” an amazing success.

Let’s face it – that could have and should have been a lot worse, considering how remarkably… special this particular food item is. But having once been the type of person who ate food from 7-Eleven – college was a very poor time, and nacho chili dogs were $2 – I have no doubt that people will be eating these nacho snacks for months and possibly even years to come, despite the fact that they look like this in reality:

I know I can’t fight the overwhelming majority of stoners, misfits and generally unhealthy people who care less about nutrition and more about getting Doritos and more cheese all at once, despite the fact that this is truly a sign of the impending Food Apocalypse. Ideas will only get more ridiculous as the corporate food demons become braver and bolder, all at the expense of our arteries and blood sugar. The fact that 7-Eleven actually refers to it as a “Slurpee and Big Gulp target” is frightening enough, so what could come next aside from giant buckets filled with both Mountain Dew Slurpees and Doritos Loaded, all stirred together with inch-thick Slim Jims? Look out at that horizon, and ask yourselves these questions with me:

Did the world really need cheese-stuffed Doritos snacks?

No. But since when has need ever been something that is considered before profits? As long as there are culinary daredevils out there who care less about their well-being and more about ingesting items that would make the devil order a salad – *points to self* – companies will produce Doritos Loaded until someone dies. When that day comes, they’ll simply add “diet” to the name.

How high was the person who came up with the idea to basically take fried mozzarella wedges and replace the breading with Doritos crumbs and fill them with cheese more processed than modern pop music?

Probably this high:

How hungry do you have to be to go out of your way to stop at a 7-11 and buy these?

Probably this hungry:

Are the people who are eating these doing it ironically or have they just given up?

Both. They’re like daywalker vampires. There’s no stopping them now, and they’re only going to eventually overwhelm us. Soon, Doritos and 7-Eleven will take over the cafeterias of our nation’s public schools, and our children will be made of crumbs and farts.

How long until there’s a Doritos Loaded Taco Bell burrito or quesadilla, or even worse/better, a quesarito?

Not long at all. I’d say that Taco Bell better give me credit for it when it happens, but I guarantee that they saw Doritos and 7-Eleven make this move, and the Border’s wheels started turning faster than ever. Accept your fate, humanity. Fighting it will only burn empty calories.