The Sexiest Man And Woman Alive Pairings From 2004 To 2014, Ranked By Sexiness

I, for one, do not welcome our Sexy Thor overlords. No offense to Chris Hemsworth, who is obviously a very attractive God, but really, People? He’s not even the sexiest man to appear on a magazine cover this month. But we’ll have to live with him for the next 365 days, after which his title will be revoked, and just like previous winners Tom Cruise and Denzel Washington, he’ll be killed to make room for the next sexiest person with a penis who isn’t dead.

Meanwhile, back in October, Esquire dubbed Penelope Cruz the sexiest woman alive, making the Vicky Cristina Barcelona star and Hemsworth the prom queen and king of hotness. But how do they compare to previous Man (People) and Woman (Esquire) winners?

Let’s rank them all, dating back to 2004.

11. Minka Kelly/Ryan Reynolds (2010)

Tyra > Lyla. Plus, this was the year before Ryan Reynolds starred in Green Lantern and The Change-Up. He should have handed his trophy (a gold-plated subscription card?) back to People.

10. Angelina Jolie/Jude Law (2004)

Jude Law? Jude Law?!? 2004 was the year he starred in six movies, only one of which (I Heart Huckabees) holds up. Meanwhile, Jolie was about to appear in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, a dangerously sexy movie that still can’t erase the memory of me falling asleep to Alfie.

9. Kate Beckinsale/Johnny Depp (2009)

I mean, sure, if you’re attracted to a talking pile of scarves, tattoos, and random medallions, then I can imagine why you’d “vote” for Depp. Otherwise, he’s dragging down Beckinsale.

8. Scarlett Johansson/Adam Levine (2013)

Don’t worry, I would never disrespect ScarJo THAT much, except for when I just called her ScarJo. She appears later on. No, Johansson’s ranked this low because of Adam Levine, who is only enjoyable when he’s being murdered on American Horror Story.

7. Halle Berry/Hugh Jackman (2008)

Yes, these are two very attractive humans. I consider Berry and Jackman to be “gorgeous” and “handsome,” not “sexy,” so that’s my everyday struggle. What’s yours?

6. Penelope Cruz/Chris Hemsworth (2014)

Which member of the Avengers is the most pissed they haven’t been on the Sexiest Man/Woman Alive issue? I bet it’s Jeremy Renner. It’s always Jeremy Renner.

5. Charlize Theron/Matt Damon (2007)

F*cking Matt Damon, which is apparently what a lot of people wanted to do in 2007, when he starred in The Bourne Ultimatum and pretty man convention Ocean’s Thirteen. Meanwhile, Wikipedia notes that the forever-stunning Theron was the “first African” to win Sexiest Woman Alive, which is unintentionally hilarious.

4. Rihanna/Bradley Cooper (2011)

Rihanna could win every year. No one would complain (except for maybe Katy Perry).

3. Jessica Biel/Matthew McConaughey (2005)

The nice thing about Biel and McConaughey is that all you have to do is show someone THE scene from I Now Pronounce Chuck and Larry and Dallas dancing in Magic Mike, and they’ll be like, “Yes, good choices, Esquire and People.” On a related note, I would like Jessica Biel to be in better movies. Then it won’t be as obvious that I’m watching them for her and only her.

2. Mila Kunis/Channing Tatum (2012)

Back in 2012, we actually got a quote from C-Tates himself about this prestigious honor. He said, “Yo check it, boo – 1, 2, free n 2 da fo, C-TATES IN DA MUTHA F*CKIN BOMB SEXY HEEZOUUUUUUUSE! Yo, G-Cloonz? B-Rad Pizznitt? C-TATES, SON WHAT! Yo playbois, u ain’t got no swag. U cain’t earn no swag. U born wit swag or U die witout it, right? When I wuz just a lil C-Tates, yo my pops tells me, Yo C-Tates, U special, kid. N den he leff us 2 get Newports n I ain’t hear from him again. Sad, son. But like, I knew dat sh*t wasn’t sexy n I wuz like, Yo self, U need 2 learn from dis, n now I’m sexy like my co-star, MC Conehead. Yo girl, next stop BET Awards.”

Can’t argue with that.

1. Scarlett Johansson/George Clooney (2006)

Though we’re still putting G-Cloonz first.

Horny teenagers and middle-aged moms don’t have much in common, but they can both agree that People and Esquire were on POINT this year. Johansson was 21 and had just starred in The Prestige and, uh, Scoop, while Clooney, who’s looked exactly 45 years old for 20 years now, was the first repeat winner since Richard Gere, for some reason. This was a good year for sexiness.

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