This Husband Incredibly Managed To Start A Chemical Fire While Cleaning His Wife’s Dildos

Image via Shutterstock

Have you ever put a pot on the stove to boil and then forgotten about it? I did that while hard boiling some eggs a few weeks ago. Luckily I remembered after about 45 minutes and even more luckily enough you can’t actually ruin hard boiled eggs no matter how long you boil them for, apparently — but boy, close call!

This story is so, so much worse. The latest gem out of Reddit’s TIFU (Today I F*cked Up) is this delightful story of a man who tried to make good with his wife by cleaning up the ol’ family dildos. I’ll just let him tell it.

My wife and I had a minor argument last night, so I figured I’d start the day on a positive note. Get some cleaning done, tidy up around the house, make everything extra nice while she relaxes. Among other things that needed cleaning, we had several sex toys (silicone dildos) that we’d neglected to attend to.

OK, first of all let me just say that it’s gross that this couple has just been accumulating crusty dildos. It only takes a minute to clean after using!

Wanting to be thorough, I brought these downstairs, set them in a small pot of water to boil (element on MAX setting), and headed upstairs for a moment to call my dad and wish him well. Quick convo with my dad turns into an involved talk with mom and dad, and about 15-20 minutes later, suddenly my smoke alarm is loudly going off. Having completely forgotten about the dildo boil, I casually get up and prepare to disarm the “false alarm” taking place in my house… until a huge waft of black, inky smoke winds its way around the bedroom door. I immediately think “WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING HELL IS BURNING” and at the same time hear my wife scream ” WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?!” I rush downstairs into a kitchen billowing disgusting, black smoke, and see a massive pillar of flame exploding upwards out of the tiny pot, which by now has been boiling dry for probably a few minutes. Wife is panicky, trying to activate the (luckily right at hand) fire extinguisher, failing with it, hands it to me and I finally manage to blast the noxious dildo blaze with the entire contents of the extinguisher.

Ladies, this is why I never let my husband help out with anything. If he even so much as unloads the dishwasher I know I’m not going to see the can opener again for at least six months.

Set the scene for you… Entire house is blanketed in a disgusting, probably highly toxic smog of burnt silicone, with tiny pieces of chemical ash over everything in the kitchen… I put on two surgical masks and run upstairs to open the windows — dumb move in retrospect, could’ve passed out up there and totally died — but at least this averts everything in our upstairs being ruined by dildo smog.

Amazing. You could literally cure cancer, but if your cause of death reads “died by inhalation of toxic dildo smoke”, then your entire life was still a failure.