This Note About A ‘Rabid, Piss-Spraying Pigeon’ Is The Most Confusing Thing You’ll See Today

I have to admit, I’m at a loss on this one. Even for someone who writes about the internet for a living, this note posted to Reddit by user “soaringbeagle” with the caption: “Woke up, saw this note, and called in sick. I’m not even going to check and see what he is talking about,” has got me stumped.

Here, just read it for yourself and then meet me at the bottom of the post to discuss.

First of all, who is the “he?” The OP’s husband? Boyfriend? Roommate? It looks like the note was left on a granite counter, so I’m leaning more towards the relationship being one of a serious, adult nature. But if the threat of this bird was so great, you would think the person who wrote it would wake the recipient up to tell him or her in person. I feel like a “rabid, piss & sh*t spraying bird” is a situation that requires more than leaving a note. “Sorry, I used up all the milk!” is an acceptable reason to leave a note. A rabid pigeon trying to break into your house is not.

Which also brings up the point that birds can’t get rabies because rabies is a disease exclusive to mammals, so what these people have actually got on their hands is an “angry” pigeon. Why is the pigeon so angry? And why is it spraying urine and fecal matter everywhere? Can anyone even tell the difference between bird pee and poop? I thought it all came out of the same hole. (Confirmed)

Again, perplexed. Pretty much the only thing about this note that makes any damn sense is the recipient’s decision to call out of work because of this situation. I know I have personally called out of work on a Friday morning for less than this.