While Ellie Kemper is without a doubt the star of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Tituss Burgess steals literally every scene that he’s in. When Kimmy Schmidt escaped from the bunker and made her way to NYC, she never would have survived without the tough love and scrappy guidance of Titus Andromedon, one of the greatest divas in recent memory. Whether he is being the best Baby Slut he can or living his hashtag lizard truth, Titus helps Kimmy navigate life outside the bunker. But is that any kind of surprise? Everyone knows that divas make the world go ’round, and sometimes you have to channel your inner sass master if you’re going to get ahead. Sure, you might fall asleep eating a hot pocket and have a truly woeful bank account, but being a diva comes from within. So the next time someone challenges your fabulousness, sing a few bars of “Pinor Noir” and channel your inner Andromedon.
“But I already did something today!”
Listen, sometimes it can be exhausting being your most fabulous self. Sure, you’ve got charisma to burn, but dealing with other people and the more mundane aspects of life can be exhausting. A real diva knows when to put their foot down. You need your beauty rest.
“I envy you. I’ve never been able to meet me.”
The only downside to being the best is that you’ll never get to be your own friend. Still, you can bestow your light upon others and make your friendship the gift that keeps on giving. So that’s a silver lining, at least.
“Am I not a pretty young thing anymore?”
Even the most confident diva will have moments of existential crisis. God and Cher granted you the swag you need to dazzle those around you, but sometimes an errant comment or cruelty from a stranger will briefly extinguish your glow. Just remind yourself that you’re a winner and don’t let the haters keep you down.
“I’m pretty and tough, like a diamond. Or beef jerky in a ball gown.”
Never underestimate your own worth. Even when things get tough, you’re no shrinking violet. Beneath your perfectly exfoliated skin lies the heart of a lion, and you’re ready to take on whatever challenges come your way. Beef jerky is not only the perfect snack, but it is the perfect way to describe yourself: delicious and resilient.
“What white nonsense is this?”
A true diva always speaks their mind and calls it like they see it. When lesser mortals baffle you with their bad choices, be sure to voice your displeasure. If you can fashion their name into an insult like “Kimbecile,” even better.
“I can’t fix America.”
Part of being a diva is knowing your limitations. If you know your limits, you can avoid them. If you can avoid them, you can convince yourself and others that they don’t exist, thus ascending to a new level of divadom.
“Fine. I hope someday when you’re a gay black man, you have a Kimmy that treats you like this.”
When you’re so fabulous, people are probably going to struggle to keep up. This means that people are bound to disappoint you, and you’ll have to let them feel your wrath from time to time. As a true diva, you can’t accept anything less than fabulous, and you’ll have to let people know when they’ve angered the queen. It’s the only way they’ll learn.
“Not so fast, MTV’s Daria.”
Between Celine, Mariah, Madonna, and Britney, the ’90s were the peak of diva domination. While you’re a modern diva, you’ll probably still look at that time as the best it’s ever been, and that’ll probably be reflected in your pop culture references. That’s fine. Youths may look at you like you’ve lost your mind, but you don’t need to keep up with pop culture. Pop culture keeps up with you.
“Are you asking me out, you tasty little Bob the Builder?”
Let’s be real: people are going to want a piece of you. A true diva draws people in like a moth to a flame. Still, you’ll have to be careful who you pull in. Some people just aren’t ready for your jelly. You can afford to be choosy.
Between the vocal acrobatics, costume changes, and ’90s references, Peeno Noir — an ode to black penis — is the ultimate guide to being a diva. Study it. Emulate it.