By now, it’s obvious that the Patriots won by 38 points merely by deflating the football slightly below NFL regulations, and Andrew Luck should be facing the Seahawks. Just now, Tom Brady told reporters at a press conference on the issue that such an incident isn’t up to the level of ISIS beheadings, but thankfully, the Boston media was having none of it.
The questions, unlike the balls, were hard and hot:
“What’s happened to our hero? Is Tom Brady a cheater?”
“How did you not know that the ball was inflated?” <– some variation of this question was asked 30 times
“Tom don’t you think it’s odd?”
“Tom doesn’t the league have a responsibility?”
“Tom don’t you wonder what happened?”
“Tom did your coach throw you under the bus?”
“Tom will you have to completely alter your game now that the ball is inflated slightly more?”
“Tom do you think this has been blown out of proportion? Do you? Please say yes so I can MURDER YOU IN MY COLUMN FOR NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY.”
But Tom Brady, troll genius, was undeterred.
“I don’t want anyone touching the balls, I don’t want anyone rubbing them,” he said. “To me those balls are perfect.” This real, actual quote, worked almost clumsily into the very beginning of the press conference, was surely not planned in advance by Mr. Brady in order to fuck with the Boston media.
But the questions kept coming, probing Brady, wondering how — HOW — he could not have known that the VERY INTEGRITY OF THE GAME WAS BEING DESTROYED BEFORE HIS EYES. But Tom Brady, possessing the memory of Ronald Reagan whenever he heard the words “Iran” and “contra” mashed together, could merely stand there somberly being somber about such a somber situation.
And so one reporter wanted to know if this was an opportunity to say sorry. Sorry to the fans of the NFL, and to the fans of Tom Brady. Yes, Brady somberly sombered, for the integrity of the game must be kept integrified.
With the press conference winding down, American hero Ron Borges, a writer who was once suspended for plagiarism, had one last question: Are you SURE you didn’t cheat Tom? Because a lot of people think you did.
“Everyone can have an opinion, Ron.”
Then Mark Brunell cried and everyone knew deep down our innocence was lost because Tom Brady lied about deflating some footballs.
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