NYC Craigslist Ad: Man Seeks A Tortoise Walker To Walk His Tortoise For $10 Per Hour

Tortoise walking wages have stagnated in America. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the endless debates between presidential candidates, it’s that you can’t expect a living wage walking a tortoise in 2016. Mostly because no one has brought up how the baby boomers were walking tortoises for as much as millennials are today. It’s a crying shame. Still, regardless of the politics involved — tortoises need walking, and a man on Craigslist is looking for someone who has the personality and wherewithal that can handle a brave tortoise that can use some tortoise-walking-around money.

As far as entry-level, part-time jobs go, it could be worse than walking Henry the tortoise around Central Park. And best of all, a pet stroller is provided:

The job listing reads as follows, in all its glory:

Yep, for real.

I’m in search of a responsible animal lover to take Henry, my 16-year-old African tortoise, to Central Park on warm weekdays. I live a few short blocks from Central Park and have a pet stroller to get him to and from. Once he’s there, Henry can roam freely under your watchful eye. No tortoise experience necessary, but you must be an animal person and also good with people. (Trust me — they’ll want to talk to you!) If you’re sociable and like to hang out in Central Park anyway, this is an easy gig.

A little more info about Henry:
-He doesn’t wear a leash and is surprisingly quick, so you’ll need to keep an eye on him.
-He weighs about 16 pounds, so you’ll need to be able to lift him in and out of the stroller. Also, we live in a walk-up building.
-Henry is surprisingly energetic and fearless. The biggest thing to watch out for is him eating trash or kids trying to feed him.
-No poop-scooping required!

If interested, please tell me about your schedule and animal experience. Thanks!

Some key questions: 

  • How long is a “walk”?
  • What’s the difference between a tortoise and a turtle?
  • What is this man’s policy on Henry coming into contact with secret ooze that may or may not turn him into a bipedal killing machine?
  • Does he want carrots or lettuce as a snack?
  • Upon acquiring the position, may the walker call the tortoise “Hank”?

Keep in mind that African tortoises can live for 50-150 years. Whoever gets this position is going to be a big part of Henry’s young life, and should take much pride in that fact, regardless of the wage.