5-Second Films is a cornerstone of web culture, but in the ADHD world of the internet, the videos have a unique shortcoming: they can actually be TOO short for the typical web surfer. Here at UPROXX, we understand the duality of having no attention span but needing to burn away eight hours of work. That’s why, in 2010, we presented the top 20 5-Second Films in five words or less.
Of course, that happened a year and a half ago, which is like two millennia in internet years. And so now we give you:
In the spirit of tradition, each of these twenty films gets a five-word (or less) write-up:
1. Planking. Dumb meme gets its comeuppance.
2. You Got Mail. Patton Oswalt gets blown up.
3. Bring Your Child to Work Day. Armed robbery’s never been cuter.
4. My Almost Psychic Friend. Grisly knife murder not shown.
5. Missing. Staplers: less cute than puppies.
6. Save the Date. Don’t look at the cleavage.
7. ‘The Twilight Saga: Eclipse’: Test Screening. Ha ha, wet vaginas.
8. Father & Son. Like a Harry Chapin song.
9. Roseburger. Exactly what you might expect.
10. Professor Pigeon. The flying rat of teachers.
11. Video Dad. His wife will divorce him.
12. Guilt Food. Juliette Lewis murdered puppies! No!
13. Guns A Blazin’. Must be footage from Vietnam.
14. Ready to Blow. Cut wrong wire, semen everywhere.
15. Getting to Know Her. Wait, are they playing Battleship?
16. The Final Battle. Demand: more Patton Oswalt always.
17. Clark Kent’s Close Call. Heat ray vision used properly.
18. The One. Usually the woman does that.
19. Joy Ride. Cop should shoulda said “meow.”
20. Absence of the Towels. Buffalo Bill references always welcome.
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