Valhalla Knights 3 is an upcoming RPG for the PlayStation Vita, and it actually looks like a fun game with a touch of real-time strategy and squad combat. Also you can apparently recruit members to your party by groping them in a bar. We are not making that last statement up. We have the trailer to prove it.
Before we go any further, you probably do not want to watch this at work. We’re also not entirely sure this isn’t just a brilliant troll job on the part of Marvelous AQL, the game’s Japanese publisher. Because this is pretty much exactly what everybody at Fox News thinks ALL video games are actually like:
Yes, you just saw a booby-touching minigame. There is a video game that encourages you to poke a woman, in the boob, using a touchscreen. We don’t read Japanese, but according to Destructoid if you do well in this minigame, you’ll add said scantily-dressed female to your party!
What’s utterly bizarre about this, beyond the fact that it sets gender relations in gaming back twenty years, is that the “groping as a party building mechanic” thing is both surprisingly and absurdly detailed, and at the same time completely tacked onto the game. As far as we can tell, the previous entries in the series did not have detailed visits to the red-light district, and you just paid people to join your party or got them a stupid widget out of a dungeon or something.
And if they’re prostitutes, can’t you just pay them to join your party? Isn’t fighting ogres a more desirable job than being felt up by sweaty adventurers in overly elaborate armor? We really hope Xseed, publishing this game in the US, can take this out of North American copies, because honestly, we just don’t want to see the triumphant return of Cooper Lawrence. Maybe if it’s there and we’re all really quiet about it, Fox News won’t notice.