Vampire Breast Lifts Are Real And They’re Spectacular

You may have heard of the “vampire” facial or facelift, it’s the thing that Kim Kardashian showcased with a ghastly selfie on Instagram. It’s where a doctor takes your blood and runs it through some tests to prepare growth factors, leading to the very same doctor injecting it into your face like a vampire tattoo artist. Now take the same treatment, analyzing the blood to separate it from the platelet-rich plasma inside, and then inject it into a pair of breasts.

That’s the new rage for those looking to stop the hands of time, at least when it comes to breasts, and the doctor behind it says it works. Dr Charles Runels, who created the vampire facial, is saying that his procedure can rejuvenate those ailing breasts and can bring them back to plump life thanks to a three step process:

(1) Evaluate Shape and where the shape can be enhanced to create a younger, more attractive appearance.
(2) Preparation of the growth factors for injection
(3) Injecting the Magic into Your Breast

How can you go wrong with injecting magic into your breasts? That doesn’t sound like something you’d hear at a skeevy truck stop, right? You can take a closer, very NSFW, look in the video below.

And if that’s not enough for you, there’s also a procedure that uses the same vampire tech to spark life into ailing female genitals. That means if you’ve lost that loving feeling below the belt, you can Dracula push your private areas back into the line of duty. There’s no word on whether that would be agreeable on society’s terms, but this guy seems to like it pretty well.