This morning, I expected the worst.
“Venom” was the number-one trending topic on Twitter in America, with “symbiote” in the number-three slot. “Oh no,” I worried, “has the unthinkable happened: has Venom 2 been delayed?” The sequel to 2018’s Venom — which not be the greatest movie ever, but it’s the only movie where Tom Hardy climbs into a tank and feeds on a live lobster in front of Michelle Williams, so I take it back, it is the greatest movie ever — is supposed to come out on October 2, and thankfully, the release date hasn’t changed (for now).
No, the reason “Venom” and “symbiote” were trending is because of this:
Should we be worried about whatever that is? Maybe! Dunno about you, but I, personally, am not a fan of withering, slimy black spaghetti. But at least we still get Venom 2 in October! Assuming that thing doesn’t kill us before then. But what is “that thing”? It’s apparently a bootlace worm, which “can grow up to 55m long. When provoked, it releases a high concentration of venomous mucus which would paralyze potential predators, giving it enough time to retreat to safety,” according to one explanation. It’s the longest animal on Earth, but not as long as the wait until Ve2om.
Where’s Spider-Man, you might be asking? He’s daring Jake Gyllenhaal to do shirtless handstands. Honestly, that’s way more important than stopping this venomous goo. Continue on.
Us: “April can’t be any worse
April: *Fucking Venom https://t.co/G9ZuyNP0Ql
— |Blake| The Villain (@Enemies_Allies) April 3, 2020
The Devil said fuck it, threw venom at us, where da fuck spiderman at? pic.twitter.com/yG9wOnzPRv
— Tristan 🏁 (@TristanGHill) April 3, 2020
because world war 3, australia burning down, kobe bryant dying, and a worldwide pandemic weren’t enough now we have venom https://t.co/qvw8LRh7wH
— trey . (@treyonfilms) April 3, 2020
I clicked to see why Venom was trending. Just when I thought that 2020 couldn't get any crazier. pic.twitter.com/XMWeTIj8F4
— ʀᴇsᴄᴀ ᴛʜᴜɴᴅᴇʀɢᴜɴ 😈 (@cultleaderresca) April 3, 2020
— Greg Gurenlian (@GregBeast32) April 3, 2020
ARE YOU KIDDING ME THREE DAYS INTO APRIL AND SUDDENLY WE GOT VENOM ON OUR FUCKING HANDS I CANT TAKE THIS YEAR ANYMORE pic.twitter.com/LV8AYdp1mA
— ten! (@skrrtskyy) April 3, 2020
As if 2020 couldn’t get any worse they fucking found Venom pic.twitter.com/MpE0wICU2F
— Dylan (@Dylangonzalez21) April 3, 2020
— Jane Villagomez (@janelivm) April 3, 2020