Kayaker Nearly Gets Slapped In The Face By Whale’s Giant Tail, Reacts Appropriately

Look, we’ve been over this: STAY OUT OF THE OCEAN. Recent advances in technology have allowed humans to capture video evidence of the dangers that lie on the fringe of that godforsaken place and report back to civilization, and yet you people keep venturing out there. It makes no sense.

The latest evidence supporting our theory that everyone should stay on dry land forever comes from kayaker Cimeron Morrissey, who was just kayaking along when a whale (a whale-sized whale) came along and stabbed at her with its massive tail. Sure, Cimeron’s video description spins the near-massacre as an attempt at a harmless “high five” — but that suspiciously doesn’t jibe with her natural reaction in the video. It’s quite possible she’s been murdered by anti-land lobbyists and her YouTube account has been converted into a Big Ocean propaganda tool.

Get out. Stay out. This is not a drill.