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Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: For A Good Time, Call The Paperboy

By / 01.22.13
Also an Oscar winner. Just sayin’.

There are only a few flicks added to the Netflix streaming service worth mentioning this week.  First up is Dawn Of The Dragonslayer.  We’ve also got last week’s Oscar-nominated doc, 5 Broken Cameras, and finally, this week’s Hansel & Gretel: Warriors Of Witchcraft.  So be sure to check those out.  If you need more things to watch, here are this week’s suggestions:
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Shadowboxer

Before Precious and The Paperboy, director Lee Daniels made this film which sounds just as crazy as those two other flicks.  Cuba Gooding Jr. and Helen Mirren (bathing above) play step-mother/step-son assassin partners who are also lovers.  If that’s not weird enough for you, Mirren’s character also has cancer, because why the hell not?  This co-stars Officer Down’s Stephen Dorff as the crime boss who hires them to kill his pregnant wife.  Rumor has it, Cuba Gooding Jr. only has 37 lines in the entire film.  I’m assuming that means dialogue, but with that synopsis, it could very well mean cocaine.
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Death Racers

The Asylum may be disappointing us with their Hold Your Breath, but I’m sure we’ll all enjoy their Death Race knock-off, Death Racers.  The plot seems to be identical to the ‘real’ film, but The Asylum’s flick stars the Insane Clown Posse.  There’s also an Asylum knock-off of Universal Soldier called Universal Soldiers, but unfortunately, it doesn’t have Violent J or Shaggy 2 Dope in it. Would’ve been cool if it did though, because nothing says ‘elite military specimen’ like an overweight redneck in clown makeup.
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13 Assassins

I mentioned this Takashi Miike samurai film earlier, and it really is fantastic. All you really need to know is that the major battle scene is approximately 45 minutes long. It’s glorious, and plenty gory, but not in that ‘watching this movie has scarred you for life’ kind of way that some Miike films can be. The only thing it lacks is the utter shock value his films sometimes have like the rising-from-the-cum title sequence from Ichi The Killer.  So the film’s good, but not perfect.
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Audition

This is that Miike film that will scar you for life. If you haven’t seen it yet, and it hasn’t been spoiled for you, you should see it.  If you haven’t seen it and you think it has been spoiled, you should still see it, because it is probably more traumatizing than you imagine.  If you really hate your wife or girlfriend, get her to watch it with you because the first half of the movie plays out like a romantic comedy.  If you haven’t heard of this film before now, and really have no clue what I’m talking about, you’ve been living under a rock and should have to lap up vomit like a dog and stick needles in your eyes.


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