Thanksgiving is nearly upon us, and back when cable was fun, that meant Comedy Central would be running “Turkey Day”: a marathon of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes that was always way better than the rest of Thanksgiving TV. And almost inevitably got changed in favor of football, because your relatives suck.
We know that the spirit of “Mystery Science Theater 3000” lives on in RiffTrax and the hilarious live “Cinematic Titanic”…but it’s not the same. We miss Mike and the Bots, we miss Doctor and Mrs. Forrester…and, above all, we miss the fact that there are so, so many godawful movies coming out that will never feel the surprisingly cutting smart-ass remarks that this cadre of Midwesterners can dish out.
So, here are five movies that hit theaters that deserve, nay, need the gentle touch of the Satellite of Love. And, of course, if you have any suggestions, leave ’em in the comments.
#5) The Spirit
What is it about Will Eisner that the man is a complete genius on the page, and his work keeps getting chainsawed by the screen? This is actually the second time somebody’s tried to get Wildwood’s favorite resident onscreen, and the first time was an ’80s TV movie that thought it was the ’60s Batman TV show.
Also, we’re pretty sure Mike and the bots are the only way watching a kitten get dissolved will ever be made palatable.
#4) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
This one deserves it just because there has never, ever, ever been a movie more gleefully stupid, or less deserving of hiding behind the excuse of being gleefully stupid.
Devastator has a wrecking ball scrotum, for God’s sake. A robot, in this movie, has testicles.
In our fantasy world, the show has the budget to make Crow and Servo transformers as well, because, let’s face it, they’d do better than those racist cartoons the movie got razzed so hard for.