Julia Segal is a stand-up comedian who used to write for “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” and basically runs the entire Internet like a benevolent queen who understands that what the people really want is more memes. Perhaps with a cute Gif or something furry in between? “Done,” says Queen Julia.
Julia also tweets @juliasegal, because that is her name, and she’s super funny. Here are ten of her greatest tweets of all damn time.
10. If I ever get married my “something blue” is definitely going to be Xanax.
9. I hate how guys never want to dance until Maury tells them they’re not the father.
8. Heard hipsters in a bar yelling, “We killed Osama!” like in between reading Pitchfork reviews and drinking PBR they’ve been doing covert ops.
7. They said to “shake whatcha Momma gave ya” so good luck figuring out how to shake a predisposition to alcoholism.
6. And where there was only one set of footprints in the sand that’s when god was on a hoverboard and didn’t even let you try it out.
5. This girl competing on X Factor got bullied in high school and it made her really sad so she decided to SING IN FRONT OF SIMON COWELL.
4. If you Shazam a fart it says it’s a Smashmouth song.
3. Monogamy is wanting to “Marry, Fuck, Kill” the same person.
2. Some woman just said she wishes she could kiss the guy that killed Hitler and I don’t know if I should ruin that for her.
1. If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say, “Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.