“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” feels as if it’s going for warm and fuzzy this episode — the girls are all getting together to visit Camille’s fabulous ski palace in Colorado — but I’m hoping that’s not the case. After last week’s awkward and frankly schizoid episode (we’re all VERY sad. Oh look, a nail salon!), I think we’re all ready for some childish squabbling and narcissistic misbehavior. It’s what we need to heal.
Anyway, we start things off watching Kyle move into her new house, which is 7,000 square feet and has seven bedrooms. It’s her dream house! I should hope so. But wait, she isn’t joking. She parked outside this place for a year and a half and “put her energy into it.” So, maybe it’s not her dream house as much as it is her The Secret house or whatever self-help book is most popular this week. I hate to point out that it probably wasn’t so much energy as it was Mauricio’s ability to write a big ol’ check, but tomato, tomato. Faye Resnick is Kyle’s very bossy designer.
Lisa has to pack for the trip to Camille’s house in Beaver Creek. As she won’t be able to take Ken or Giggy, she makes out with Giggy to make the separation a little less painful for… at least one of them, I’m not sure which one. As cute as Giggy is in his little pajamas, I’m still skeeved out by how comfortable both Ken and Lisa are with dog slobber.
Adrienne packs two bags of shoes, but she’s not sure she’s going to be able to ski on this skiing trip as she tore her ACL the last time she went skiing. Uh-huh. And you’re packing TWO BAGS of high heels? I understand, she loves shoes, but I hope her podiatrist (if she has one) sees this and beats her about the head with a dirt knee brace. But if I find this annoying, it takes a distant second to how annoying her relationship with Paul has become. She wants to give him instruction on taking care of the house. He doesn’t want to listen. She wants the German Shepherd to be with her. Paul knows this, so he calls the dog to come to him. I’ve seen healthier relationships between junior high school students. Although I have to admit, their squabbles are so childish and Seinfeldian (they fight about nothing, constantly), I do have to wonder if this is just something they’ve drummed up to get more airtime.
Finally, it’s time for Taylor to complain about her marriage and make all of us uncomfortable. As Adrienne and Taylor settle into the limo they’re sharing to the airport, Taylor tells Adrienne that therapy has taught her how to tell Russell she doesn’t want Italian food. Adrienne is floored that Taylor has been willingly going to any restaurant Russell picks for six solid years. I’m amazed that these women never seem to have to cook anything, ever.
Everyone arrives at the airport and Lisa somehow herds her petulant, ADHD co-stars/children onto the plane. Things quickly devolve from there, as Kim and Adrienne start punching the ass of some guy who’s standing in the aisle next to them. Granted, he encourages it, but still. Lisa can’t believe she’s on a kindergarten trip. Oh, Lisa. Why not?
Lisa only becomes more miserable when the group arrives in Colorado and discovers that they’ll be stuck in the limo to Camille’s place for four hours thanks to a freeway closure. Lisa is sure some sort of fight is going to break out and she won’t be able to escape. But it turns out that she doesn’t have to worry, because Kim wants to bond with everyone. By talking. And talking and talking.
Eventually Kim has to take a breath, which is when Kyle decides to ask Lisa if Ken is upset with her. Lisa almost looks relieved that she’s being pulled into a fight, as it means Kim will shut up for a while about Paris and her boots and how much she enjoyed her last visit to the gynecologist. Lisa defends Ken, Taylor defends Kyle, and Lisa eventually shuts down the whole inane conversation by telling Kyle to take it up with her husband. I will hand it to Lisa; she does not raise her voice and she does not allow herself to be pulled into ridiculous, shrieking arguments. I wonder how long Bravo will put up with THIS respectable, rational behavior!
The girls eventually arrive at Camille’s house, and Kyle is SO GLAD to see her! Well, she’s mostly glad because she’s finally out of that limo, so I can’t really call this a love fest. Camille lets the girls choose their rooms, grinning mischievously as she imagines the catfights that are sure to break out as each girl demands their own down comforter and ten coordinated throw pillows. Amazingly, the decisions are made with a minimum of fuss, and Kim and Kyle end up sharing a room. Which is good, really, as putting Taylor and Lisa together would probably end in tears.
The girls get ready for dinner, and somehow the conversation swerves from dating to smelly men and finally manscaping. Camille dealt with the hair on her ex Kelsey’s back. I understand why Camille is oversharing, as she has no reason not to, but I’m not sure I needed this visual. Ever. But Kyle thinks it’s a hoot! She and Camille are now besties. Oh, wait! Camille isn’t done oversharing! Kelsey was also a horrible kisser. I’m really afraid to see what happens when Camille has a few more drinks in her, as I’m not eager to hear how Kelsey liked to wear women’s panties or had castration fantasies or whatever. I may someday want to watch a rerun of “Frasier” without tearing at my eyes and screaming.
Kyle tells Kim she feels they’re in a good place. But Kim is not in a good place. She can’t get over what happened in the limo last season. Oh, Kim, you sensitive flower who may or may not have a drinking problem, I don’t think Kyle is going to wait for you to find your happy place, as it could be at the bottom of a bottle of tequila.
Oh, ho! Kim really isn’t in a good place, as she has what appears to be the flu. But she is suddenly, miraculously healed when John, the single ski concierge, shows up. The ski concierge isn’t as hot as the girls seem to think, but he must have magic hands, because Adrienne also decides that she wants to ski. Knee, shame.
As they head to the slopes, Lisa is so sad no one’s mentioned her furry little hat. She should be glad of that, because Camille thinks it looks like a poodle. Personally, I think it looks like a white Pomeranian. Someone should have just let her bring Giggy along, as I don’t want to see her yanking that thing off her head and tonguing it later in the episode.
Fun on the slopes! Not that interesting! But they get served warm chocolate chip cookies at the bottom of the slope. Ah, to be rich.
After they get back to the house, Taylor and Kyle take a jacuzzi together. Taylor is resentful. Taylor is also emaciated. She literally looks like she’s dropped twenty pounds and is auditioning for the role of Skeletor. Taylor is sad. Sad and thin. She doesn’t want to be alone again, because before Russell she was always alone. Was she raised by wolves? But she can’t let go of the resentment. About what? Kyle is trying to figure out what the hell Taylor is saying, but Taylor isn’t interested in giving details. She just wants to be sad and thin and unhappy. Oh, and tired. And teary. Maybe she’d feel better if she ate a sandwich. I’m not even being glib; she’s scary skinny, even for a Housewife. Kyle suggests that maybe she’s fighting for something not worth fighting for. Taylor gets even weepier.
Not that I want to dwell on Russell, but if he was concerned about looking bad this season, he shouldn’t have worried. Taylor just talks about her feelings but never explains what events or behaviors are generating them. That may change, but all we’re really seeing is that Taylor looks like a mess, seems to think everyone around her is a stand-in therapist and is holding herself together with gobs of mascara and lip injections I realize she’s in pain, but maybe this was not the time to sign up for a second season of “Real Housewives.”
Oh, lord. In the next episode, Taylor has a nervous breakdown and Kim drunk dials Adrienne. I’m beginning to think Bravo decided, eh, Taylor having a breakdown is just SUCH good TV and by week three everyone will have forgotten about that whole suicide thing.