I’m not quite sure why this has to be a two-night, very special event, but here we are again with “The Bachelor.” I’m trying to sort out what could possibly justify a two-part episode. Could it be that ABC just shoved two episodes of this series into one week and tried to sugar coat it as “very special”? Of course not! So maybe the other girls actually eat Tierra in a frenzy, driven to cannibalistic insanity by this overly dramatic, man-hogging manipulator. Hey, these girls are getting angry, so I can’t rule it out.
This week (because, despite ABC’s assurances that this is a two-parter, it is next week) takes place in the Canadian Rockies. Alas, Sean isn’t happy. He has doubts. There was too much drama last week! And why was there too much drama? Because of Tierra, the psychopath he’s stubbornly committed to, even after hearing her shrieking at the other women. But, you know, he now has doubts about EVERYONE.
The nine remaining ladies head to Lake Louise, their latest location, where they are greeted with Chris Harrison. There will be two one-on-one dates and one group date, which is good, because no one wants that dreaded two-on-one date.
The ladies head to their incredible suite and squeak loudly. Look, a lake! Look, furniture! Look, carpeting! Look, beds! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!
But once the squeaking fades, it’s time to worry about the date cards. AshLee notes that if Tierra gets the one-on-one, she will throw up. I am hoping that she will instead be inspired to beat Tierra to a pulp, but I don’t think that happens. This week.
The first date is… for Catherine. Daniella is pissed. Actually, everyone is pissed except Catherine. Well, it gives most of the girls something to do other than hate Tierra.
Still, I’m not sure that some of the ladies would be all that happy on this date. Catherine stands outside and gets pelted with snow looking like Julie Christie in “Dr. Zhivago” as she waits for Sean. Finally, he comes roaring up, her knight in shining armor… driving a giant snow bus. He chivalrously hands her a onesie snowsuit. Oooh, sexy! But Catherine doesn’t mind! She’s with Sean! She’s never cold with Sean! Catherine is either deeply in love or lacks nerve endings or both.
This date in Jasper National Park is very important, because Sean needs to turn things around. He’s been so sad and depressed! They’re getting pelted with snow and ice, but Catherine is happy to toboggan in a storm. She doesn’t care! Let’s make snow angels and lose feeling in our extremities! This is what Sean wants in a wife — someone who can enjoy life. And snow. And possibly has something physically wrong with her, in that she can’t feel pain.
“There’s no doubt in my mind, Catherine has passed the blizzard test,” Sean says. A blizzard test. Think about this for a moment. This isn’t a search for love; it’s one step away from a snuff film.
Catherine gets out of her snow onesie and meets Sean for a horse-drawn carriage ride. She wants to make sure Sean knows everything about her. But first, romance and snuggling at an ice castle. “It’s one of the most romantic settings I’ve ever been in,” Sean says, not minding that his butt has become permanently adhered to a giant ice cube.
Back at the house, it’s time for the group date card. It names Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley M. and.. Daniella. What? He hasn’t had a one-on-one with Daniella. She cries. Why doesn’t he like her? More importantly, why is she still on the show if he doesn’t want to go out with her?
Catherine tells Sean she has been through a lot in life. And then she proceeds to tell him about going to summer camp when she was twelve, and on the third day, she was with her best friend, and I’m starting to get bored, and I’m thinking about that band camp storyline in “American Pie,” and why is this taking so long? Anyway, a tree falls on the girl in front of Catherine during a hike, killing her instantly. “At 12-years-old, I realized things can be taken from you very quickly.” Thus, she wants to get married and have kids. And fight for a guy on national television.
Okay, I’m not saying it’s not traumatic to see some girl squished in front of you when you’re twelve, but I was thinking this was a Really Traumatic Moment, like her family was killed in a car accident or her dog was abducted by terrorists, — not that some pushy chick (who wasn’t her best friend, unless I misunderstood that part) got squished after shoving in front of her. It’s a learning moment, it’s an important moment, but seriously, it’s not a shaking, voice quavering, weepy moment.
But it doesn’t matter, because Sean thinks Catherine is funny and intelligent and sexy, so he’s going to let the rose tell her she’s wonderful. I’m kind of hoping that means Sean is going to make the rose speak, Muppet-style, but no such luck. He tells Catherine he can’t get enough of her and shoves a rose in her face. Darn. I was hoping for the Elmo Rose.
Next, Sean meets his group date gals. It’s going to be an exhilarating date! I bet, because we can tell from the promos this ends with paramedics, and when I think exhilarating, I think medical drama, don’t you? First, they must canoe across the lake, and Lesley M. wisely hops into the canoe with Sean.
Poor Sarah knows that canoeing with one arm will be a struggle. But she will shine through! Even with one arm! She is FINE, people! One arm makes her unique!
Lesley M. lets Sean row and turns their time together into a mini one-on-one date, while Selma wishes for their boat to be eaten by sharks. I think Selma may need to take a zoology class.
Sean wants to test the women, and canoeing is just way too easy. So… time to do the Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge! Oh, come on. They have to jump in to freezing water in their bathing suits. Lindsay is excited! I think this is not exciting at all. It’s not fun and possibly dangerous. Worse, there’s no hot tub time afterwards. All they get is a stinking robe.
Look, there’s a lifeguard and EMT waiting to scare the women! But no worries; the water is just above freezing, which means it’s warm. The ladies are told to get out of the water quickly. I don’t think anyone needs to be told to get out of the water quickly, really.
Selma refuses to do the polar bear plunge, however. “Call me a princess; I don’t care,” she says. Tierra doesn’t want to do this, BUT SHE WILL. FOR HER MAN WHOM SHE WILL FOLLOW TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH! NOT THAT THAT MAKES HER WEIRD OR ANYTHING! She might die, but she will do it!
“Some girls seem stoked. Some girls don’t seem that stoked,” Sean says in the biggest understatement of all time.
The girls change into itty bitty bikinis. Lesley M. hopes that Sean will shock her back to life after she dies from hypothermia. Does anyone else find this disturbing?
AshLee says that no one ever in her life has made her want to do something for him. But Sean wakes her want to. AshLee has never done anything else for anyone? What? I now have some questions about AshLee. Besides why she doesn’t just have a lower case L like most people with her name.
Tierra runs into the water first to show how devoted she is, while Lesley M. holds Sean’s hand and dives in. The women scream. A LOT. Most of this segment only dogs can hear.
Sarah would do it again! Daniella thought it was the best experience ever! AshLee is so proud of herself! And Tierra can’t breathe. Uh-huh. Yeah, she’s dying. She swoons. A team of people cover her in blankets. Sean wants to help, but he feels helpless. The lifeguard and the medic actually carry Tierra to, um, a car before they realize she’s just being a big baby and they can take her inside the resort.
Catherine and Desiree watch the carrying of Tierra in horror. What if it’s one of their girls (Catherine’s words, not mine). Nah, it’s just Tierra, don’t worry about it. Catherine wonders how the other girls are feeling, given that Tierra is falling apart. They’re fine, really. They’re hooting and hugging and feeling GREAT. Tierra is cold and unhappy and gets a breakfast sandwich to eat.
As AshLee points out, Tierra is very good at getting attention… and she’s very good at faking it. And guess what happens? Tierra gets a special visit from Sean, who cuddles up in bed with her. She tells Sean he’d better marry her. Kidding. Not really. “You always find ways to get one-on-one time with me,” he says, thinking he’s joking. JEEZ, Sean, you said it yourself — this crazy pants chick is always finding a way to work the system!
Sean would prefer Tierra stay at the hotel rather than come to the group date party that night, as he feels pretty comfortable with how he feels about her. Really, Sean? The fact that medics have been called for this nut ball THREE TIMES just puts you right at ease?
Anyway, the group date moves on to the party segment. Lesley M. cuddles up with Sean and tells him her feelings are real and intense. “I love love!” she says. That’s good, as if she loved, say, ennui or buttons it just wouldn’t be as significant.
One-armed Sarah shows Sean pictures of her family. When she was little, she had a prosthesis and a Cabbage Patch doll. And she wants him to meet her family someday. But hopefully not the Cabbage Patch doll. Alas, hearing Sarah talk about her family is a reality check for Sean. Is he ready for that? Yikes, Sarah should have left the photo of the Cabbage Patch doll at home, I think.
Desiree gets another one-on-one, which makes Tierra ANGRY. She almost froze to death! And she’s going to do whatever it takes to get her time with Sean so she’s going to the party! In heels! Even though her toes, like, hurt! She has a STRONG CONNECTION WITH SEAN! She’s not stalker-y at all!
The girls at the party laugh about Tierra. And then she walks through the damn door. Sean, like a sad little Pavlovian mutt hoping for a kick and a treat, gives Tierra one-on-one time immediately. As Lesley M. says, this chick’s a tierra-ist.
Sean asks Tierra if she wants a proposal at the end of this. Short answer, duh. Honestly, every encounter Sean has with this girl of late makes me want to throw up, just from the fake sugar quotient alone. I guess this is what it feels like to snort Splenda or something.
Time for the group date rose! Sean gives the rose to… Lesley M. THANK GOD. Tierra stares poison daggers at Lesley M. But Tierra thinks she deserves it! Waah! She got, like, cold and stuff! I’m thinking Tierra is going to bankrupt this show with paramedic fees alone.
Sean goes back to his room and realizes he doesn’t see a forever with one of the women he went out with on the group date. He’s sending home someone he never planned to send home this early. He can’t wait two more days for the rose ceremony. He has to send her packing NOW! No, this won’t be uncomfortable at all!
Sean goes to the girls’ room and Sarah aside. He admits that lately, he feels like he’s been forcing it with her. And that kiss? Too much tongue. Just kidding. Anyway, he wanted it to work so badly, but it’s not working. She tells him she’s totally hurt and surprised. He tells her she’s amazing and blah blah blah and just drags it out. Yeah, those family pictures? Bad idea. It was the Cabbage Patch doll! I knew it! Those things are creepy!
Sarah cries in the hallway, and she feels embarrassed. She wonders if it’s her. “Why does this always happen to me?” she asks. “It’s always the same!” In other words, this ain’t her first break-up rodeo. She’s sick of being told how great she is. Well, it could be worse. She could get dumped on national television or something. Oh, yeah… oops.
On to the last one-on-one. Sean takes Desiree hiking so he can tell her how amazing she is. They climb to the top of Tunnel Mountain, and he declares they’re going to picnic… at the bottom of the mountain. Psyche! I am thinking of every faked-accident-murder episode of “Dateline” I’ve ever seen and Matt Damon as Tom Ripley and really, why is “The Bachelor” becoming so dangerous?
Anyway, Sean wants to take Desiree rappelling, because she will learn that, by falling off a mountain, she can experience true love in the few moments before she dies a horrible death.
They stop mid-mountain to kiss a little, because nothing is more of a turn on than panic. Then, they kiss at the bottom of the mountain. She doesn’t die. Oh well, he’ll just have to try again. Hope he took out a lot of insurance on her!
Desiree thinks they could have something special, and she doesn’t want to give up on it. He kisses her lipstick off. Then, she shows him she’s an excellent tree climber. He’s an excellent tree climber! They make out in a tree. How earthy of them!
Desiree and Sean have dinner in a teepee, which is apropos because when Desiree was younger, she lived in a tent. Her parents never had a lot of money, and that’s why she’s so humble. Having nice things doesn’t matter to her at all. She went to an excellent school with rich kids, but she never felt resentment. It was more important to love and put others first. Desiree wants a house full of love! Or maybe a tent full of love! He gives her a rose. There is kissing. Sean can see himself proposing to Desiree. Desiree used to live in a tent, and now she’s falling in love in a teepee! Maybe some day she can have a baby in a yurt!
Time for the Cocktail Party o’ Pain! The girls hate on Tierra, and Sean makes a toast. His head has been cleared! And he is emotionally invested in all eight of these women! Except for the two he’s kicking to the curb, who suck. Not that he says that, but he probably is thinking it.
Selma needs Sean to hold still so she can do something to him. And then, she kisses him, shaming her family for several generations while Sean wonders what all the fuss was about.
Next, Lindsay tells Sean she’s not going to kiss him during their cuddle time, because she wants to talk to him about how much he likes Canada. Boooring. Just make out already. After she admits she sleeps naked, they kiss anyway. Sean thinks she’s the total package. AND she’s often naked! Yay, thinks Sean!
Time to talk to AshLee, and she asks him to blindfold her. Because she’s a control freak, she’s afraid. Sean carries her in his arms, and she gets weepy. He kisses her and he says nothing about the fact she’s probably more screwed up than she knows or he realizes, but she’s still better than Tierra.
Rose Ceremony time! Sean can see himself marrying one of these women! Okay! Catherine, Lesley M. and Desiree have roses. Three roses will be handed out, and two women will go home. If Sarah got the boot, do they really have to send home two women? I guess so, since they’re heading off to exotic locales after this and it just starts getting expensive.
Sean tells the women this decision is the toughest he’s made thus far. And he will be saying this every week from here forward.
The first rose goes to… Lindsay.
The second rose goes to… AshLee.
The final rose goes to… TIERRA? SERIOUSLY?
No, he didn’t really seem to have a future with either Selma or Daniella (whom he seemed determined to ignore). Kind of surprised he sent Selma home after she dishonored her family on national television a few minutes earlier, but hey, no biggie, I guess. Let’s just hope she doesn’t get beheaded or anything.
Selma is disgusted that Tierra is still on the show. But she’s sure Sean will send Crazypants packing eventually. I hope so. Daniella is shocked. Why? She never got any time with Sean, so how can she be surprised?
Anyway, there are six women left, and Tierra is one of them. Somewhere, an angel weeps.
Were you surprised that Tierra survived another week? Do you think the Polar Bear Plunge was a good idea? Who are you rooting for? And don’t forget — let’s try to sidestep spoilers. The Internet is flooded with speculation about who makes it to the end, but some fans of the show may not want to know. Thanks!