So, we kick things off with further progress in the Stallion Booty vs. Donkey Booty video throw down. Kenya goes to the gym and discusses her video venture with her trainer, while Phaedra dons an seizure-inducing neon-green unitard for some possible DVD packaging snaps and promotional materials. I would like to say, for the record, I would not buy a workout video with Phaedra on the cover looking like a bloated radioactive lima bean. I’m sure she is fit, but man, that outfit does her no favors.
When Kenya and her burly trainer snark about how no one in their right mind would want to buy a video promising to give them a donkey booty, I can’t disagree. However, I’m a little concerned that Kenya doesn’t seem to have a concept for her workout video beyond “I do what my trainer tells me to do.”
Anyway, enough about workout videos — lets get into “Toddlers & Tiaras” territory! Pageant planner Cy visits Cynthia to talk about her new path to wealth and victimizing “I like the 12, 13 and 14-year-olds,” he says in a quote that begs to be taken out of context.
Cynthia discovers through Cy that pageants can bring in CRAZY money. First, there’s the entry fee (which can be $75 to $1,200, though he thinks $250 is a nice, round number), then there are additional fees for make-up and photos and parking and therapy for the losers and ALL SORTS OF STUFF, only some of which I made up.
Later, Cynthia decides to bring Porsha into the process, as she needs a nonprofit sponsor and a “wing girl.” Porsha doesn’t quite see herself running around town picking up tiaras, as this woman didn’t make her own damn breakfast for a year after she got married. If Cynthia thinks this princess is going to run errands for her, she’s got another think coming. However, Porsha has very generously offered to sing at the pageant, an offer Cynthia has less than no interest in, given that 1) she knows a real singer (Kandi) and 2) she has no idea if Porsha can sing.
Speaking of Porsha (and this is more than we’ve spoken about Porsha since the series began), Kenya invites her to lunch in what has to be the hands-down weirdest attempt to make nice in the history of crazy mean girls. Kenya wants to inform Porsha that Phaedra is manipulating her, and that everything Phaedra has said about Kenya, whatever it is, is a lie. Huh. At this point, Porsha should really hop to her feet, laugh her ass off, and storm out. But no. She has to bring up ANGUILLA. This girl will not let Anguilla go.
Somehow, Porsha angling for an apology and Kenya flipping out ends up in both women storming out of the restaurant and Porsha calling Kenya ashy. Kenya, of course, thinks Porsha is hella stupid, and she’s not wrong, but Kenya comes off as hella crazy, and I’d rather eat lunch with stupid over crazy any day. What’s funny is that Kenya cannot tolerate losing Porsha to Team Phaedra, a woman she actively despises. It’s as if she wants to make sure she has a sacrifice for land mine testing.
In other non-news, NeNe sashays around Los Angeles and buys stuff. Isn’t she too busy for this show anymore?
The girls (Kandy, Porsha, Porsha’s friend Shamiya, Cynthia and Phaedra) gather to eat Moroccan food on the floor with looming belly dancers. Didn’t they just do this on “RHoBH”? Does Bravo have a deal with some Moroccan chain or something?
Anyway, the topic of Kenya comes up because, hey, she isn’t there, so why not? Cynthia takes it all in so that she can report back to Kenya. Yes, Cynthia thinks it’s so gauche of the girls to gossip — but she’s just doing a good deed to report back to Kenya on the outing like a dutiful little spy. I think she misses having NeNe bossing her around, so she’s looking for another big, loud, crazy person to tell her how to think.
Oh, and we almost find out whether or not Porsha can sing — but the belly dancers cut her off. I’m thinking the answer is mostly no. Like, “American Idol” would tell her, yo, it’s not your thing, dawg.
NeNe visits her acting coach. Maybe we can go with NeNe to the grocery store or her gynecologist or something, because that’s just as interesting.
Kenya meets Miss Lawrence for a drink so that she can talk about how miserable Phaedra is, and prepare us for the cray-cray she plans to unleash on her and the rest of the girls very, very soon. She will not sit back and allow Phaedra to say mean things about her! She will, instead, act batcrap crazy so that everyone else will think that Phaedra may be right about the whole bipolar thing. I swear, the more Kenya insists that she’s a mature, controlled businesswoman, the more she acts like an unbalanced middle school student.
Finally, Kenya gets her chance to show Phaedra who’s boss. During a charity event (yes, a charity event) at which NeNe launches a shoe for Shoedazzle (plug plug plug), Kenya swans in wearing something similar to that black fishnet cover-up Phaedra wore in Anguilla. If you don’t remember it, it was basically a black bikini covered with shoelaces. She also wears weird patches over her butt cheeks and her boobs, along with a big, white hat. She literally looks like an insane, possibly homeless drag lady. Who drinks. And is bipolar and off her meds. Yeah, that.
NeNe is appalled. Kandi is appalled. Even Cynthia raises her eyebrows in concern. Phaedra, of course, feels that her point has just been proven. “Something in the buttermilk ain’t clean,” she says, and she’s not wrong at all. But Kenya feels that she has made her point. Yes, the person who has been humiliated isn’t, oh, Kenya, but the person calmly telling her she may be an alcoholic and need medication. BECAUSE SHE’S ACTING CRAZY RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT. Man, Kenya may be a smart businesswoman, but she’s a reality TV wing nut.
Do you think Kenya made her point or just looked nuts? Do you think NeNe needs to walk away from “RHoA”? What do you think of Cynthia’s pageant business?