It’s the second part of the three part “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” reunion, and, as Andy Cohen promises, nothing is off limits! Gosh, there really are benefits to casting a series entirely with narcissists without boundaries! Anyway, last week we left off with Rosie stomping around back stage, rending her clothes and going all She-Hulk on us, because Teresa insulted the memory of Kathy and Rosie’s dearly departed dad. That’s exactly where we pick up for part deux, though I’m disappointed to see that Rosie has not been put into restraints or been shot up with horse tranquilizer. But hey, there’s a potential felony about to happen, so don’t get in the way of that, Bravo minions!
To even the family-insulting score, Kathy tells Teresa her dad is a coward, which ignites a new round of shrieking, at which point Caroline decides it’s up to her to be the voice of reason. “Both of you, this is wrong!” she bellows. Oh my lord, when Caroline is Yoda, you know we have truly entered Crazyville.
Andy, who seems really done with the whole mess, finally cuts in and says hello, I wanted to go to a package that has a happy slant, because you women are crazy bitches and I need to go backstage and get a shot of whiskey and meditate. The package is all about Rosie being gay, which Teresa sees as an opportunity to talk about how Kathy is homophobic. This would seem like a bad idea, as Rosie only recently calmed down and is now well within striking distance of Teresa, so poking the badger could only seem foolhardy. But Rosie, who may have gotten those horse tranquilizers after all, just yells at Teresa and doesn’t even go for the weave, unfortunately. Really, Teresa’s hairline is so Cro-Magnon low I don’t think yanking her hair out would be such a bad thing.
So, Rosie and Kathy start up the shriek-o-meter again, and if you have no interest in watching this show because it might trigger post traumatic stress disorder or you have something useful to do, like laundry, the general structure of the evening is Teresa says something insane and everyone else on the show tells her she’s a liar. Rinse, repeat.
Andy, desperate to change the subject, encourages Rosie to talk about being gay, and she proclaims that no one on the sofa has gone through what she has. “I’ve been there, sister,” Andy says, in a weirdly awkward attempt at being street, which is just uncomfortable for everyone. In other news, Rosie is single.
Next, we move on to a package about the RV trip. Andy tries to keep things light by starting in about Melissa groping Teresa (“I’m a toucher,” she shrugs), but that lasts about a second before we move on to Teresa not toasting Kathy, and Teresa being mad at Kathy for calling her mother a liar five minutes earlier. Kathy apologizes, which Teresa grudgingly accepts by making the symbolic gesture gracing her sofa with her big green-wrapped butt. In Teresa World, the gift of her presence is really an honor among honors, dontcha know?
Since everyone’s being a bit too friendly, it’s time to poke Caroline, who has been far too well-behaved to make good television. Hey, Caroline! Remember when Teresa called you the C-word! Teresa giggles. “I was drinking wine, what’s wrong with that?” Caroline stews. Let’s poke her a little more! Readers think you’re a bully! Thus kicks off the most times I’ve heard bully used in a conversation outside of middle school ever. Bully bully bully bully bully! Bully! Caroline asks Andy if he thinks she’s a bully. Andy does not answer the question, which, I’m guessing, means he does. Caroline tries to get Teresa to describe one instance in which she was a bully. “The whole season,” Teresa says. as if this is the most obvious answer in the world.
Melissa’s being awfully quiet, so let’s bring up her recording career, as we know that will make Teresa mad! And, right on cue, Teresa starts freaking out. The spotlight is never to be off her her, never! “I’ve never heard you sing!” she says to Melissa. So, Melissa sings, and not terribly, well, except at the end, but as she says, she was nervous. But that isn’t enough for Teresa. “I want you to sing the whole song,” she gripes. Then, because she’s emotionally about three years old, she prattles,”I can sing, too!” And launches into a tuneless rendition of “On Display.” Which, honestly, doesn’t sound that different from the finished product.
“I can’t believe what I’m watching,” Caroline says. “I’m in the ‘Twilight Zone.'” Jacqueline pretends to nap. It’s hard to believe, but even the other housewives are finding this annoying.
Meanwhile, Melissa is going for the throat — if Teresa is going to slam her admittedly crappy pre-fab dance music, she can take swipes at her crappy cookbooks. “Your mother cooks it and then you tweet the picture,” she says, rolling her eyes. “We all know it.” As Teresa flaps and squawks, Melissa intones, “What you said was null and void and we don’t care.”
Andy asks Melissa why she’s selling her fabulous home. She’s not broke, she tells Andy. She just doesn’t want her daughter being ganged up on by Teresa’s creepy kids in middle school. That seems a little extreme, but I absolutely think Milania is primed to be a monster right out of “Heathers” or “Mean Girls,” honestly.
Teresa can’t believe Melissa would say such a horrible thing about her bratty little monsters! But Melissa is a horrible person, because she clearly wrote “On Display” about Teresa. Huh? Who says that? “Her little band of crazies,” Kathy says, smirking at Teresa. I’m wondering if that little band of crazies lives in Teresa’s head.
Then, because all of the trauma of this season seems to have been covered, it’s time to open old wounds. Teresa thinks Kathy and Melissa came on the show to destroy her. Funny, I thought Teresa could do that all on her own. When it’s noted that she’s lost her friendships with Caroline and Jacqueline, Teresa prostrates herself on the coffee table, praising God for saving her from her two former gal pals. I really feel like a production assistant needs to tiptoe onto the set to hand Teresa a Xanax or something.
The next best thing happens, though — her husband Joe Giudice takes the couch. This is, of course, an opportunity for Andy to ask what that cryptic phone call between Joe and
his mistress an unknown person was about. Joe may actually be the worst liar I’ve seen outside of “The People’s Court” or one of those murder trials on “48 Hours” when you know the husband is guilty but he’s still stupid enough to do an interview anyway. He was talking to uh, Albie. “If I was talking to a girlfriend, I would have ripped my mic off and thrown it in the bushes,” he says. I would wager that he would have done that if he’d remembered he was wearing it.
Joe grumbles that calling his wife a c-word in that little conversation cost him a lot of money, in that he had to pick up some jewelry. Teresa giggles.
Andy asks Jacqueline to comment on Teresa and Joe’s marriage. Jacqueline demurs. That wouldn’t be polite! So, Teresa takes the silence as an opportunity to point out, blinking innocently, that Jacqueline told her that her husband cheated on her a few years ago. Jacqueline gives Teresa a look that might actually cause a normal mortal to melt into a puddle of blood and acid, then lets loose.
I would think that Teresa, realizing she’s probably admitted one too many things to Jacqueline over the years, should not pick a fight. But hey, Teresa is not going to join Mensa anytime soon, is she? Jacqueline points out that Teresa said she’d caught Joe with loads of girls, including his secretary and the babysitter. Joe and Teresa pretend they are simply mortified by the accusations. Jacqueline isn’t stopping, though. She tells them that Danielle told her that when she went out with Teresa and Joe, he spent most of the evening with a stripper. Joe tells Jacqueline she needs to get her head checked.
Funnily enough, Joe wants to change the subject. Melissa points out that it’s somehow fine for Teresa to take stabs at everyone else’s marriages, but turn around isn’t fair play. Joe sneers that no one gives a crap about Melissa’s marriage, even though that’s been pretty much the entire focus of the last two seasons.
There’s more squabbling, and eventually Melissa looks at Teresa and asks, “You wanna play?”
Teresa replies, “Let’s play.” And I think, what the hell? They haven’t been playing all this time? Does the playtime involve switchblades and tying themselves together to fight to the death? I’m telling you, if any of the housewives decides to kill Teresa and dump her body somewhere, the good news is there will be so many viable suspects no one will get arrested. And, though I fear it a little, I can’t wait to see the third and final chapter.
Do you think Teresa fought fair? What do you think of the rumors about Joe cheating? And do you think Melissa wrote her song about her sister-in-law?