Just How Fat Is Your Pet Gonna Get?

Senior Writer

The Association for Pet Obesity Prevention and Banfield Pet Hospital teamed up for a national survey involving our beloved pet dogs and cats, and the results were quite shocking. Apparently our Fidos and Whiskers are taking after their human daddies and mommies as one-fifth of America’s pets are obese. In order to qualify as overweight or obese, an animal has to weigh at least 30% more than average. Also, other animals have to taunt it and call it Corgi Porgi. Researchers believe that the cause of our fat pets is basic overfeeding by uneducated or ignorant owners. The only solution? Lots of exercise. Oh, and tummy rubs, according to my dog.

But while fat dogs can just hit the dog park and shed those unwanted pounds, a kibble gut is the least of their worries. As the economy still struggles, so do families who can’t afford to care for their furry friends. Pet adoptions are down while surrenders are up, which is making it harder for shelters to keep their dogs and cats around very long. Wait, I’m sorry. I forgot to tell you to press play on your iTunes for Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel”. All set? OK, as I was saying, people can’t afford to keep their pets so they’re being put to sleep. And there was absolutely no way I could make that funny.

That’s why I’m going to close out with the positive stuff, so bring the kids back in the room. If you’re thinking to yourself, “Damn, what can I do to save these animals and why is Burnsy so handsome?” Here’s the quick answer: adopt for someone who is ill and placenta facials. Doctors are going crazy trying to spread the message that “pet therapy” is the new “medicine”. Researchers at the University of Missouri-Columbia are currently conducting studies proving just how much having a loving pet around actually helps sick people. And I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure it’s better than everyone dying.


  • Bad news: Your pets are fat. Worse News: It‘s your fault, jerk. (Wall Street Journal)
  • As people lose money, they’re giving up their pets. Sorry, Lobster Dog. (Wicked Local)
  • Pet therapy shows positive results for the terminally ill, snuggle addicts. (Sign On San Diego)



  • From 1974 to 2007, there was a 225% increase in throat cancer among white men and tobacco was not the culprit. Nope, according to researchers at Ohio State University, oral sex is now the leading cause of throat cancer in the U.S. because of HPV. Who says your girl doesn’t give you anything? (NY Daily News)
  • Michigan state troopers recently arrested two drunk men for driving under the influence, and while that would normally get a “big whoop” from the gallery, these gentlemen fell under the state’s new “Super Drunk” law. People arrested with a BAC over .17 get this awesome new term, which makes Miguel Cabrera “Super Duper”. (Ann Arbor)



  • More than 54% of American dogs and cats qualify as overweight, which rounds up to an estimated 93 million pets. As for obesity, 21% of dogs and cats are obese, which comes out to about 36 million pets. The fattest pets? Caramel-filled goats. (Pet Obesity Prevention)
  • People who think Spike’s few extra wrinkles are adorable should go ahead and get their extra pooch smooches in now, because overweight dogs will live approximately 13% shorter lives than healthy mutts. That’s about 2 years of tail wags and fart blaming that you’re missing out on. (Top Dog Health)


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