Worst: John Cena’s Divorce Is Really F**king Him Up
I thought the worst moment of the show would be minute 21.5 of Big Show’s whimpering, but John Cena is HERE and he is SO BUMMED OUT ABOUT HIS DIVORCE and he is READY TO OVERCOMPENSATE with some JOKES FROM THE 1990S.
I’ve read the opinion on a few messages boards by now, and I have to agree … last night’s closing segment from Cena might’ve been the worst, non-”flubbed” pro wrestling promo or interview of all time. There was no charm to it. There was no electricity. There was no logic or reason or point. John Laurinaitis brought in Brock Lesnar to try to take Cena out and two weeks ago had Lord Tensai hold Cena down while he tried to break his arm with a steel chair, and two weeks later Cena is PERFECTLY F**KING FINE and ACTING LIKE JIM CARREY because I guess wearing bright green for two months tricks you into believing you’re the f**king Mask.
Nothing Cena says here has merit. He tries to explain that Laurinaitis is a “loser” (and fat and ugly and has no friends, I guess, because some Make-A-Wish kid’s wish was to write all of Cena and Punk’s dialogue until he dies) and he starts off by saying Laurinaitis won at WrestleMania. But he almost disqualifies it because Laurinaitis didn’t actually do anything. So he lists off two further examples of JL being a loser — trying to remove CM Punk as WWE Champion and bringing in Brock Lesnar to face Cena at Extreme Rules — that he validates despite the fact that in them John Laurinaitis also did nothing. He does some shaky math (I guess “have Brock Lesnar defeat me” and “become the next big thing in WWE” are two different examples of losing but “bringing in Brock Lesnar” in the first place doesn’t count as a success) and then just yells LOSER like Ace Ventura for five minutes. It’s so bad the highlight video crops it out and gets right to the ending.
I’ve said a lot of good things about Cena in this column and I’ve said a lot of bad things … I didn’t like what I saw last night, and I hope that if any of it has to do with Cena’s personal life sorta falling to shit I wish him the best, and hope he considers taking a few months off and not turning into a crazy old wrestler over it to cope. We’ll be okay without you, dude, most of us don’t like you anyway.
Fantasy booking: John Laurinaitis actually IS as good as Rock and Brock combined, rips off his suit to reveal that he’s crazy jacked and has Otunga launch Cena into an Ace Crusher that “breaks his neck” and puts him out of action for six weeks. Cena can still show up to every show (because even my fantasy booking can’t get THAT ridiculous) but he’ll have on a huge neck brace and won’t say anything. Then, when he talks again, he’ll have a raspy voice and he’ll have learned a lesson.
And he’ll be able to spit mist.
Best: John Laurinaitis Corpsing?
Wait, what column am I writing again?
BEST: Laurinaitis Does What We’ve Been Wishing He’d Do For The Last 15 Minutes
Oh, right, this one. Tell me you didn’t laugh out loud when this happened:
That’s the perfect ending to the segment. Cena shows up and acts like an unrepentant asshole for 15 minutes and eventually all Laurinaitis can do is slap him in the face and leave calmly. Hopefully someone in the back also did that to the guy who headed up the Cena/Laurinaitis story and decided to do “Bossman raising the briefcase” with The Big Show. I do not want three months of Show versus Cena, thank you very much.
Worst: @MrBrandonStroud Signs Not Making Raw
Reader Brandon gets major propers for making an @MrBrandonStroud sign and bringing it to Raw, even if the guy next to him had a “REMEMBER BENOIT” sign that guaranteed no camera would come within 200 feet of him.
You are still a dear friend. <3
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Space Monkey Mafia
John Cena’s divorce means that for the immediate future, he’ll be giving himself the ol’ Five Knuckle Shuffle.
If we don’t see John Cena on a sled pulled by Make A Wish kids next year for Wrestlemania I’ll f**king stop watching this shit.
Sham Wow? Cena, you’ve got all five knuckles on the pulse of America!
ARy is WWE’s Scumbag Steve. Rats on you for drinking. Borrows 50 dollars.
A: Doritos Locos
Q: What are the names of the next two guys to be introduced as backup to Hunico?
I hope at some point a Funkadactyl helps Brodus Clay cheat so I can hear Michael Cole go, “Clever girl”
The Big Show is calling his momma right now and asking it he can move back in while he looks for work.
Where’s cody rhodes with a video package when you need him?
F**k it, Big Show. Just show up next week. It worked for Cena.
Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo
So….what noble house is Tensai a lord of? I’m guessing IHOP.
See you guys next week.