Throughout its nine-season run, Seinfeld introduced audiences to dozens of wonderful supporting characters. For a lot of them, they were here one episode and gone the next, never to be seen or heard from again. But for others – mostly co-workers to either Elaine or George – we were treated to recurring appearances over an extended period of time. For these characters, they had back-stories that were more developed, and as fans of the show, we were able to learn more about their individual personalities, and in most cases, quirks.
Everyone has their favorite recurring character from Seinfeld. If polled, I’m assuming most would say it’s either Frank or Estelle Costanza, and either of those would be perfectly fine choices. But for me, no character was as consistently brilliant and funny whenever he made an appearance as Jacopo Peterman, aka J. Peterman.
As Elaine’s boss at the J. Peterman Catalog, he was a bit of an eccentric. Played by actor John O’Hurley, the voice he used to play Peterman was inspired by male radio voices you’d hear in the 1940’s, which, looking back, is possibly the perfect way to describe the character. He was quite the wordsmith, and is famous for numerous memorable speeches and anecdotes that only he could make work. Here are 10 of his greatest quotes.
“That’s right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.”
Elaine was scheduled to accompany Peterman on a trip to Africa. However, just before the trip, she took a urine test and it came back positive for opium. Of course, Peterman knew all of opium’s alias’s, which makes you wonder, what kind of man was this, who spoke fluent slang within the illegal drug trade? A dabbler of exotic experiences, that’s what kind of man J. Peterman was… and is.
“Oh, my neck is one gargantuan monkey fist.”
Not even J. Peterman was immune to feeling overwhelmed at work. During a staff meeting in his office, he began shaking off one bad fashion idea after another. He wasn’t in the mood for washcloths, and he certainly didn’t want to see any urban sombrero’s. His frustration with his team and his life lead to one of the greatest metaphors for a stiff neck the world has ever known. Go ahead, give it a shot next time you feel tight.
“When you get to that chapter about my romantic escapades, feel free to toss yourself into the mix.”
Elaine was writing an autobiography of Peterman’s life, but rather than making it nonfictional, she was given the authority to pretty much make it up as she went. A few Kramer stories here, a few Newman stories there, and you may just have yourself a book. Unfortunately, Kramer didn’t want his stories to be used by Peterman, so Elaine was left to write it herself. We never did learn if she tossed herself into the mix or why a simple yet worldly cataloguer’s life would be worth an autobiography… or what deep and dark secrets he was hiding simply by passing off the creation of said book to a lackey.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget Susie. Most of all, I will never forget that one night, working late on the catalog. Just the two of us. And we surrendered to temptation. And it was pretty good.”
Another made up Peterman exploit. Susie wasn’t a real person, but that didn’t stop Peterman from somehow sharing a magical night with her. Was Peterman simply a liar? If not, who was he confusing with her? Probably just some pom-pom-wavin’ backseat bimbo named Sharon.
“You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me.”
Peterman’s work burnout ended up sending him on a retreat halfway across the globe to Burma. Of course, being the renowned world-traveler that he was, there was no way he was going to refer to his new home as Myanmar, which had only been that country’s official name since 1989. It’s the same reason Chicago residents still don’t call it Willis Tower. It may happen eventually, but for now they need more time.
“Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price, your soul. Oh, by the way, you have until five to clear out your desk. You’re fired.”
One constant in Elaine and Peterman’s long-running work relationship was that he was never afraid to fire her. This time, his reason for doing so was actually legit. Or, at least he thought it was. After witnessing Elaine kicking Kramer out of her office for “needing a fix,” — which was actually just Kramer’s request for a good, working shower — Peterman was convinced that Elaine was addicted to drugs. He showed a bit of empathy for her addiction, but that was not enough to prevent him from sending her packing. What’s the lesson here? Don’t eat poppy seeds.
This firing was less legitimate. Elaine was not a fan of The English Patient and she wasn’t about to fake her way through it despite Peterman’s obvious fondness. It was never addressed, but she may have had cause for wrongful termination. Where was Jackie Chiles when she needed him?
“One moment. I’m reading the most fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the year…and, done.”
Elaine entered Peterman’s office to present him with some pages that he had asked for. However, she interrupted him while he was nearing the end of reading People Magazine’s “40 Most Fascinating Stars Of The Year” edition. It’s tough to blame him; those issues are addictive. Not, you know, White Lotus addictive, but close.
“Elaine, who among us hasn’t snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton?”
Here, Peterman addressed a recurring Seinfeld theme: the inter-office romance. Only this time, it wasn’t real. After Elaine was caught making out with a co-worker at an office party, she pretended to be his girlfriend in order for it to seem less controversial within the office. But as Peterman’s quote in this scene can attest, he wouldn’t have found it controversial at all. In fact, he probably would have celebrated it.
“Kudos, Elaine, on a job…done.”
As head of the magazine in Peterman’s absence, Elaine had her ups and downs, but the company didn’t fold, so that was nice… enough. I guess.