This Week In Posters: The ‘Deadpool’ Douchebag Diagram, ‘Hail, Caesar!,’ And More

This week in posters returns! This week, by some strange quirk of WordPress, we start with Sin Regreso. Which is called Backtrack for those of us of the non-Spanish-speaking persuasion. I guess the plot involves a train? Once again, all I can focus on is Adrien Brody’s face. A Brode has the strangest face. It’s like it’s expressive almost to the point of parody. Is it just me, or does he always kind of look like a mime? I mean look at his IMDb picture. Thus, I conclude that this film is about a ghost mime who died in a tragic train accident.

I assumed this was a biopic just by looking at it, even though I don’t know who it’s supposed to be and the poster doesn’t say (“Ethan Hawke is ____!”).

A re-imagining of jazz legend Chet Baker’s musical comeback in the late 60’s. [IMDb]

Hmm, “re-imagining” could mean a lot of things here. Will Baker be played by Ethan Hawke, a young black girl, and large Hawaiian king? Is it claymation? Will Chet Baker’s songs get a dubstep remix? No idea, but then I don’t actually know who Chet Baker is either. Turns out I only care about jazz movies if Miles Teller is being constantly belittled. Also, Ethan Hawke acting cool is the worst Ethan Hawke.

This is cute, but you know, you could give us just some small idea of what this is about. The genre, time period, whether it’s live-action, etc. Unless it’s actually about butterflies, but I’m guessing no.

IMDb says?

As a man contemplates moving to a new state with his wife for her graduate program, an old flame – a woman who often changes identities – reenters his life at a birthday dinner party.

Nope, no butterflies.

POSTER DESIGNER: Get it? The butterfly is a metaphor.

CLIENT: You’re f*cking fired, Tim.

If YA adaptations have taught me one thing, it’s that if the world ever becomes a grey dystopia, I’m going to find a really pretty girl who looks like she has a lot on her mind. Most likely she’s the key to everything.

Once again I have to ask: How is this not Stargate? Just admit that this is Stargate.

This is the first of a big batch of character posters from Hail, Caesar!, which I’m trying to maintain reasonable expectations for, and failing completely. At this point, it will be a disappointment if it’s anything less than the greatest film ever made. All the names are great. And what color is that? Bone? I love the art deco Egyptian-style trim. I want a business card in this design, but I worry I couldn’t live up to it.

A cape. She’s wearing a cape. Also, how did they get their hats to stay on at that an angle? It’s gone beyond 45 degrees. It’s so jaunty that it’s testing the very properties of gravity.

Channing Tatum was weird and kind of wrong in The Hateful Eight, but he looks perfect in this. He’s got a real “Young Humphrey Bogart If He Coached Wrestling” look to him. I think it’s the ears. And with that head angle, it looks like he’s about to shoot for a takedown.

“Eddie Mannix” is probably the worst name of the names in this batch, and it’s still a pretty damned good name. Also, every time I see a dude from this era looking this suave and cool, I try to imagine him wearing sock garters underneath all that. It took a lot of ridiculous undergarments to look that cool. In conclusion, America is a land of contrasts.

“Lawrence Laurentz.” See what I mean about the names? Also, how is it that Ralph’s brother, Joseph, was in a movie that won seven Oscars in 1998, and has done almost nothing memorable since? Meanwhile Ralph is in every movie? Did he lock Joseph in a closet and steal all of his scripts?

By the way, I looked up Joseph Fiennes while I was writing this, and found his Wikipedia picture, and now I can’t stop laughing. He looks more posed that Ralph does in this poster. Also, apparently Joseph Fiennes’ full name is “Joseph Alberic Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes.” Twisleton! Not to be out done, Ralph’s is “Ralph Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes.” And apparently they have a nephew named “Hero Beauregard Fiennes-Tiffin.” That’s almost too upper class for a wedgie. Maybe hit in the dick with a riding crop? What’s the wedgie equivalent for people whose families hunt the fox?

“Thora & Thessaly Thackery.” Yep, Tilda Swinton is playing twins. I’m seeing this tomorrow. How jealous are you?

I feel like this poster would be considered anti-Semitic if anyone but the Coen brothers had made it.

Here’s one the filmmakers sent me on Twitter. It doesn’t give away the entire plot, but it does tell me what the hook is right up top (shot in one take!). That’s a smart thing to do. Take note, indie filmmakers. If you want to compete at a festival, you might as well tell us the gimmick right off the bat.

I had to look up “lachrymist,” which is apparently “one given to weeping.” So I don’t quite know what the butterfly connection is, but I do like how her boobs are the focal point of the poster. And somehow, they manage to simultaneously evoke testicles. And the thorax looks a little like a penis going right down the middle. Something for everyone.

So that’s a pretty cool poster. Poor guy, looks like he just cleaned that car too. And now this. Isn’t that just the way?

Here’s the new Tarot-themed poster for Terrence Malick’s latest, Knight of Cups. I guess that’s supposed to be Christian Bale up there? Is he sleeping upside down? Really can’t let go of the Batman thing, can he? Anyway, I expect this to have many shots of breeze gently blowing some stalks of sun-drenched grasses. I bet I won’t be disappointed.

A wave, a sword… Is Kubo a surf samurai? I hope so. Though if that’s the case, it probably should’ve been called “Surf Samurai.” If you have a chance to use a title like that, you snap it right up.

The animation looks really cool. But… is that Papyrus font up there? I can’t see Papyrus font without feeling like I’m back on Pandora.

So… this guy is like Batman meets the Juggernaut with six limbs? Yes, I approve of this.

Black-themed movies with “black” in the title are really making a comeback. It makes me remember one of my favorite 30 Rock jokes, about Tracy Jordan starring in “A Blaffair To Rememblack.”

Also, how big is Mike Epps’ head? And is that supposed to be his son in the back? That guy looks 27. And the reflection in the car, did they accidentally drive into The Purge? There’s a lot going on here.

That “BIFU” “BIFU” in the upper left corner sounds like something a Jamaican rapper would yell. “BIFU BIFU! ‘ear me now! Ya guan tell me bout di rudest pussyclot zombie movie ever ya guan made…”

Speaking of, before we look this up, I’m going to guess “contemporary goth take on the zombie movie.” Anyone else?

After his girlfriend Nina dies in a car crash, Rob unsuccessfully attempts suicide. As he begins to overcome his grief, he falls in love with a coworker, Holly. Their relationship is complicated when Nina, unable to find rest in the afterlife, comes back to life to sarcastically torment them whenever they have sex. [IMDb]

Eh, close enough. Also, IMDb has this photo for the film, which seems like it would’ve been a really strong poster image.

“Kevin Spacey as you’ve never seen him before,” or in other words, Kevin Spacey swaps bodies with a cat.

I still can’t believe this is a real movie. This is a poster that should be on the wall during a scene in a comedy movie, not a real poster for a real comedy movie. What the hell, Kevin Spacey. What the hell? Are Barry Sonnenfeld and Kevin Spacey’s family members being held hostage somewhere? The FBI should look into this.

I think we need a moratorium on the “Just cover it with the American flag” motif. It’s just that every time I see something sensational depicted as a metaphor for America, I have to imagine that Oliver Stone is pleasuring himself somewhere.

Usually I’m pretty good at deductive reasoning, but that bald guy looks nothing like Rachel Nichols, Alfie Allen, Missi Pyle, or Mekhi Phifer. Is Vin Diesel in this? If Vin Diesel is in this, that’s something I want to know.

This may belong in the all-time pantheon of coolest posters ever made for movies I have no interest in seeing.

Hot off the presses (Twitter), it’s the new Venn Diagram info-thingy from Deadpool. It’s pretty clever, I guess. I definitely enjoy the boob/vagina imagery better than the Deadpool-spreading-his-ass-cheeks imagery. Still, this kind of feels like hanging out with a comic who won’t stop trying out material on you. And he’s kind of funny, but not quite enough for a belly laugh, but you still want to encourage him somehow so you end up fake laughing, but then you end up doing that over and over for hours and it’s kind of exhausting.

If you don’t know, Range 15 is the zombie movie shot by actual veterans, funded on Indiegogo. It looks good, but I worry there won’t be enough guns.

I feel for Pets a little. This seems like it would’ve looked amazing if I hadn’t seen the posters for Zootopia. Now I look at the (delightfully designed) cats and dogs and think, “What, they’re not even wearing clothes?”

Look, I don’t need a documentary to tell me that lesbians dress better than me.

Here’s Kate Winslet, from a batch of new character posters from Triple 9. I gather that Kate Winslet is in it. And she’s really serious this time. The days of Kate Winslet taking any crap from anyone? Those days are over. Pack it in, pal.

They’re wearing sunglasses and they’re really serious this time.

Okay, I get that they’re wearing sunglasses already. I know that these are Oscar winners, but could you maybe give us a hint?

GAAAHHHH I TAKE IT BACK PUT THE SUNGLASSES BACK ON!

Is that head Photoshopped? So far I gather that the plot is that Aaron Paul got into a stash of Mr. Burns’ nerve tonic from The Simpsons.

Why don’t Gal Gadot and Kate Winslet have mustaches? This is dangerously close to being a Mortdecai poster.

It’s really hard to go wrong with sasquatch imagery. Or sasquatch-based your mom jokes. That title is just a your-mom joke waiting to happen.

Vince Mancini is a writer and comedian living in San Francisco. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.