Last month, we introduced you to the glory of @Peanutfreemom, learned stalking made things awkward, and that aspiring American J-pop singers have fragile egos. What does this month have in store?
Far, far too much self-importance! To wit…
@Reply: Or you could just drink actual coffee, you wuss.
Character Overage: For those wondering, Americano is espresso with water added to it. It’s basically turning espresso into coffee. And we’re really not surprised a vegan who designs for PETA thinks this is “the worst.” PETA members aren’t really clear on the concept of “first world problems.”
@Reply: Masturbation is rarely considered a good sign.
Character Overage: We’ll give Mr. Anderson this, he’s a designer who often uses Twitter as intended, and almost never comes off like a self-involved jackass. This puts him far ahead of pretty much every other designer we’ve ever featured on here.
@Reply: Yes, how horrible that you have to touch something twice.
Character Overage: Considering his idea of a website is some buzzwords on a plain white background, we’re not surprised he has a wee bit of trouble using an iPad.
@Reply: Yeah, I trust a guy named Kaleem about Japanese food. Totally.
Character Overage: He literally links to a site about how annoying he is on Twitter in his profile. A site constructed by people who do not comprehend rhyming. Unless they meant “follow cost” to echo “holocaust”, in which case, maybe we need to bring in the PETA members to teach them about first world problems.
@Reply: Why has getting a stalker stripped you of first person nouns? “It”? Really?
Character Overage: Oh, great, he’s a security consultant. Absolutely the kind of guy you want to develop a god complex and call himself “it”. He’s going to try and nuke the US over this article, isn’t he?
@Reply: Dumb questions like “Do you understand hashtags? At all?”, perhaps?
Character Overage: Here’s a handy tip for all you ladies out there. If you’re trying to base your social networking presence on how hot you are, it helps to have a photo of you that can actually be made out by anybody without imaging software.
@Reply: “I just wish he could have gone somewhere without so many poors or blacks!”
Character Overage: Is it shallow of us to assume she’s shallow just because she’s a sorority sister who brags about how Facebook reminded her of her vacation on her Twitter, or thinks “Collision Course” is “so old” but “amazingly creative”? No? Good.
@Reply: Hard to believe, considering your Twitter.
Character Overage: We suppose beating on somebody obviously still in high school is a little unfair, but, hey, throw them in the deep end or they’ll never learn to swim.
@Reply: And at the train station, some black guy is thinking “Dammit, where IS the bathroom?”
Character Overage: Maybe it’s unfair to assume this guy is racist. After all, he is a med student: he could just be arrogant.
@Reply: Yeah, it’s irritating that they want to use the crosswalks sometimes.
Character Overage: It seems that every month, we have one Brit in the ranks. Jimbo here is ours. Well, at least he’s not the repressed gay Thatcher worshiper we had last time.
@Reply: That’s funny, we’re personally insulted you’re sullying Twitter.
Character Overage: Apparently Shayla here specializes in “light reactive paintings.” In other words…she uses a lot of glitter. Gee, and she wonders why Twitter may be lowballing her intelligence?
@Reply: You’re a music critic. IT’S YOUR JOB TO DO THAT.
Character Overage: We’re not kidding: he’s the senior editor of a music magazine. He’s supposed to spend lots of money in record stores. Maybe he feels good about the tax deduction?
@Reply: No, but that’s not going to stop the rest of us from trying.
Character Overage: He calls himself an “Austinpreneur” in his bio. First word, in fact. “Austinpreneur?” Really? We understand Austinites have a somewhat inflated opinion of their fair city, which they seem to forget is still in Texas, but “entrepreneur” just wasn’t enough for you?
@Reply: How about questioning your own grammar?
Character Overage: We’d continue, but while researching him, we found he’d posted this:
…And are thus unable to think of any criticism. Well played, Tozier. Well played.
That’s it for this month! We’ll be back next month with even more self-importance. Until then, tweet mindfully, and think of others. Especially their boredom.