Charlie Sheen is still doing interviews, and mother of God, it just gets better and better. I don’t even know what to add to this. Let’s just get quickly to the quotes, because this man is on fire. Some of the ordinance dropped to the ground from the F-18 of his brain include:
“If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!'” It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”
Charlie is far too humble to come right out and say that he has a magical space brain, but the implication is clear. Duly noted.
“Some are saying that you’re bipolar.”
“Wow. What does that mean? I’m bi-WINNING.”
Don’t be humble, Charlie. Bi-winning implies he only has two ways to win, when in reality, the methods are infinite. Charlie’s space brain allows him to win infinitely in four dimensions. Oh sorry, I already beat bipolarity 600 years ago and have been partying with hotties and dinosaurs on my yacht. Winning. We murder people. In the infowars.
Tell me about the last time you took drugs.
I probably took more than anyone could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.
How do you survive that?
Because I’m me. I’m different. I have a different brain, I have a different heart… I got tiger blood, man.
TIGER’S BLOOD! I ARRIVED HERE ON AN ASTEROID AND WAS NURSED BACK TO HEALTH BY MICHAEL BAY, WHICH GIVES ME SPECIAL DRUG POWERS! I HAVE THE HEART OF A SHARK THAT I REMOVED WITH MY BARE HANDS AND TRANSPLANTED MYSELF!
Dying’s for fools.
Are you worried you’re going to relapse?
No. Not going to, period the end. I blinked and I cured my brain. Can’t is the cancer of happen.
LOSERS ARE THE CANCER OF WINNING! I DESTROY THEM WITH TIGER’S BLOOD MIND CHEMO FROM ANOTHER REALM! MY WINNER CELLS SNORT LOSER CANCER LIKE COCAINE!
“The run I was on made Sinatra, Jagger, Richards, look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”
I wank dismissively in their general direction, shouting, “I bet you wish you could do this you no-armed f*cking losers with your guts hanging out begging for water.” Then I napalm their beach so I can surf there. I literally napalmed Frank Sinatra’s beach to death and surfed on his corpse. WINNING. Ba-bye.
I expose people to magic. I expose them to something they’re never going to see in their otherwise boring lives. And I gave that to them. I may forget about them tomorrow, but they’ll live with that memory for the rest of their lives, and that’s a gift, man.
Can’t… keep up… with Charlie Sheen’s awesomeness…
Oh, look, here’s another, even crazier interview:
AA was written for normal people. People that don’t have tiger blood and adonis DNA.
Come Wednesday morning, they’re gonna name it “Charlie Brothers,” not Warner Brothers, DUH. Winning. And it’s not convincing anybody. It’s like guys, it’s right there. IMDB. 62 movies. A ton of success. I mean, come on bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. Wasn’t even warm.
I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.
Just to recap, Charlie Sheen will melt your face, explode your body, is bi-winning, has tiger’s blood and adonis DNA, will be the namesake of Warner Brothers, won best picture at 20 for a movie he didn’t write or produce, makes Mick Jagger look like a droopy-eyed amputee, can cure disease with his brain, and is magic. The things that come out of the man’s mouth… All I can do is write it down. Sheen even took a urine test that came back clean . He talks a big game, but he backs it up. He may go down in history as the Muhammad Ali of coked-up Hollywood A-hole stereotypes.