Okay, guys, you know the drill, it’s comments of the week time. Wait, you do know the drill, don’t you? Well if not, here goes. Every Sunday, I honor those comments that help make FilmDrunk one of the only comment sections worth reading on the whole dang internet. To help me choose, you the reader helps nominate throughout the week. You do that by copying and pasting your favorite comments in the most recent Comment of the Week post’s comment section (the comment section below this post, for instance). Bookmark it if you have to. Now then, let’s get this show on the road.
Now, I don’t know if this was necessarily the “funniest” or “best” comment of this week, but I think Oski deserves some recognition for taking the time to reimagine the entire opening scene of Bulletproof as a dog movie, in honor of my post about Quigley, the film where Gary Busey gets reincarnated as a Pomeranian. Wow, this is going to be the longest Comments of the Week post ever.
Fade In
EXT. Warehouse – Night
A Pomeranian, QUIGLEY, climbs a crane and sneaks into the warehouse through an open skylight. CUT TO
INT. Warehouse – NIGHT
QUIGLEY climbs through the girders and rafters in the warehouse ceiling and observes multiple HENCHDOGS loading illegal CHEW TOYS onto trucks.
Quigley: Bingo…
CUT TO
INT. Surveillance Van – NIGHT
BINGO is sitting at a console when he hears his name come over the radio.
BINGO: What’s up Quigley?
QUIGLEY: Not you, I just meant “Bingo, I found what I was looking for.”
BINGO: Alright Quigs, get out of there, let’s wait for backup.
Quigley: I don’t need backup…
INT. Warehouse – NIGHT
The leader of the HENCHDOGS, DANNY TREHOUND, is shaking paws with the SUPPLIER of the illegal CHEW TOYS.
DANNY TREHOUND: Orale hounds, this is some good sh*t.
SUPPLIER: I told you, didn’t I?
DANNY TREHOUND: Yeah, I just wish we had somebody to test these on.
QUIGLEY, still in the rafters, makes his way closer to the deal when one of his paws makes a squeak on the STEEL GIRDER.
DANNY TREHOUND: Woof the f*ck his this?
QUIGLEY: Your worst nightmare butthorn!
SUPPLIER: QUIGLEY!
QUIGLEY: YEAH!
QUIGLEY JUMPS from the girder down to some conveniently stacked boxes and bags of soft stuff that would not normally be in a warehouse just as the HENCHDOGS begin shooting.
Bullets wiz past everywhere, but QUIGLEY is untouched and manages to take out all of the HENCHDOGS with his MAGNUM.
DANNY TREHOUND and the SUPPLIER jump into a TACO TRUCK and speed out of the warehouse.
TO BE CONTINUED….probably not, this was a huge waste of time but I already got this far.
Danny Trehound. It was worth it, Oski, it was worth it. And here are your honorable mentions…
And speaking of Gary Busey, Ragnarok definitely had the lock on Busey facts:
Ragnarok says: “Gary Busey is even crazier than ME!” -Carl Ferguson, Sh*thouse Rat
Ragnarok says: Gary Busey once raced like a piss-horse.
Ragnarok says: Gary Busey threw Tila Tequila at sh*t at the 2010 Gathering of the Busalos.
Crapbasket says: Gary Busey insisted that on his driver’s license his eye color be listed as “Clear.”
Jessolido says: Gary Busey let Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers live on his back for 3 months to prepare for this role
I have a great update for this story about The Lebowski Store’s Missing Cat coming up, but in the meantime, here’s some funny you managed to squeeze out of it:
Johnny R says: What a shame man – that cat really held the store together.
Double_Pwnetration says: You think the carpet pissers did this?
Double_Pwnetration says: Misha was a good bowler, and a good cat. He was one of us. He was a cat who loved the outdoors… and bowling, and as a napper he explored the sidewalks of Southern Manhattan from Thompson Street to Washington Street Square and… up to… SoHo. He died, like so many young cats of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Misha. Misha, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Mishanald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Thompson Street sidewalk, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.
From Last Week’s Comments of the Week:
Dingus says:
Vince Mancini: Dingus, you have won COTW. This is good, but what is best in life?
Dingus: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of Chino Moreno.
From Sean Penn Totally Got Those Iranian Hikers Released:
Burnsy says: There was a time when this would have been treason. Where have you gone, Joe McCarthy?
From The Incredible Documentary, American Juggalo:
Willy S says: You *can’t* stereotype the Juggalos. Most are motorvated, hard-working people. I met one that was f*ckin’ brilliant, with a photogenic memory and sh*t.
Crapbasket says: So I was naked and chasing this dog around with a half boner and this homie stopped me and was like, you are not high enough and handed me a bong that I massaged into my own assh*le and filled with half digested Wendy’s chili and he was all cool with it. Life man, live it.
Quite the visual there. But it wasn’t all scat jokes. Bigbluefly dropped some useful knowledge on us in my Moneyball post:
bigbluefly says: I think a better example of your point was movie Billy Beane’s relationship with movie Art Howe. The whole movie there’s conflict between them: Hoffman whining about a new contract and changing the lineup card without approval. None of that is in the book. In fact, the book says real-life Beane hired Howe because he would tow the line, and that’s exactly what he did in real life. Sorkin seems to have invented a disgruntled Art Howe character because Syn Field told him all good screenplays need conflict.
I had wondered why that plot point was half-baked and didn’t quite make sense, now I know. Thank you, sir. Same post:
Homo Erectus says: So they spent lots of money to buy what they tought would be the most cost effective parts of a film and wound up with a mediocre result? Sounds pretty Moneyball to me.
YOU’VE OUT-ANALOGIED MY ANALOGY! Meanwhile, Stranger in the Alps has broken down the decision to fictionalize Paul DePodesta:
Stranger in the Alps says:
Producer: Hi, Mr. DePodesta, we would like to use your name and likeness for the Moneyball movie. Brad Pitt will be starring.
DePodesta: Wow. That’s great! Brad Pitt as the young Paul DePodesta.
Producer: No no. Brad will be playing Billy. You will be played by the creepy fat kid from 40 year old Virgin. … Hello? Hello?
From Mark Ruffalo Wants to Science You in the New Avengers Pictures:
Larry says: That ain’t blue steel, he’s auditioning to play Ruffalo Bill. “Would I science me? I’d science me so hard.”
From Two Former Black Swan Interns Sue Fox Searchlight:
Nathan Implosion says: So let me get this straight: This guy left his job at AIG for something that wasn’t prison and now he’s actually got the balls to sue because he had to be a gofer?
Not that I want to defend the practice of unpaid internships, it’s basically white slavery, but this guy decided that training the next generation of Cobra Televipers wasn’t fulfilling enough but he’ll be F*CKED if he gets somebody to sign papers. This assh*le is probably so full of himself that he cries a little every time he sh*ts because “a little bit of [him] just slipped away.”
Sometimes there are just too many angles of a story to bitch about, and I have to edit. I appreciate when the commenters pick up the angles I couldn’t pursue.
From Florida Teen Murder Suspect Can’t Choose Between Team Edward and Team Jacob:
nothingproductive says: I’m pretty sure she’s half werewolf, half vampire and half Corey from Pawn Stars.
I didn’t even know who that is, but I’m pretty sure it was still funny. Hey, have you noticed that not only are there multiple shows dedicated to Pawn Shops, but TWO of them have pawn/porn puns in the title? The Founding Fathers never dreamed of this, man.