Opening Sesame: The Raven, Safe, The Five Year Engagement
FilmDrunk Suggests: Maybe stop depending on us and make a decision on your own for once. Brenda left you because you’re too clingy.
The Raven
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 19% critics (TURD ALERT!), 59% audience, 0% people who wish Cusack would make fun movies again
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Until The Raven almost literally loses itself during a chase in the city sewers, it nicely balances its literary gamesmanship with a R-rated thriller’s mandatory gross-out tableaux.” – Richard Corliss, Time (I only included this review because it is the most fart-sniffing thing I’ll read all year.)
“’The Raven’ is a talky film filled with lots of rambling discourses for Cusack, which the actor handles well enough. It’s the mishmash of competing issues and emotions that the character is weighed down with that trips things up.” – Betsy Sharkey, L.A. Times
Armchair Analysis: At first I was pretty intrigued by this new influx of fun takes on historical figures – especially Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, because I loved the book – but we’re getting a bit ridiculous here, folks. What’s next, William Shakespeare: Gossip Blogger? Wait, forget I said that.
Safe
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 56% critics, 83% audience, 100% Burnsys
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Yeah, ‘Safe’ is a long way from perfect. But rented, in a few months, it’ll go great with a six-pack and a hold-the-anchovies special.” – Stephen Whitty, New Jersey Star-Ledger (Translated: It’s a dude’s movie.)
“Well, the plot first strains and then assassinates credulity, while Yakin’s handling of the action/mayhem runs the gamut from the merely dull to what-the-hell’s-going-on. Love the kid though, and Statham too – it takes a star with quality to be so rock solid in a crumbling yarn.” – Rick Groen, Globe and Mail
Armchair Analysis: For some reason, as much as Vinnie loves to do his excellent Jason Statham posts, he also loves to rip on our favorite British export. Let me be very clear about this – JASON STATHAM IS AWESOME. He has done one bad film – Revolver – which was Guy Ritchie’s fault. Oy, the Staif is da bomb, yo.
The Five Year Engagement
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 60% critics, 72% audience, 1% men forced into marriage
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“This Judd Apatow-produced romantic comedy bares familiar Apatow markings — bawdy humor, crass jokes, coarse language — but steers clear of gross-out gags. Sweetness wins out in the end, and the film gets by on the charm of its leads and a stellar supporting cast, led by ‘Parks and Recreation’s’ Chris Pratt.” – Adam Graham, Detroit News
“Blunt and Segel look like people who belong together, which is essential to ‘The Five-Year Engagement.’ They seem crazy about each other, but not crazy. As befits a couple contemplating marriage, there’s no stress between them.” – Vince’s bro Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle
Armchair Analysis: This film stars a bunch of people I love – Jason Segel, Alison Brie, Chris Pratt, Chris Parnell, David Paymer, Mindy Kaling, Rhys Ifans, Tim Heidecker, Brian Posehn, among others – and yet I have absolutely no desire to see it.