I’m back in here like Jordan with the 4-5. The NBA All-Star Game is set to “tip off” in exactly 54:40, according to the shot clock, and unlike last night, I did a better job navigating the traffic. No late bus ride. No idiot drivers. No being stepped on and abused by Ne-Yo and his entourage. No awful elevator system. Of course, my incredible security checkpoint luck continued. As I said, last night, I went through with Ryan Howard. Tonight? David Robinson.
Anyways, I’ll be providing updates all night from inside the arena, hopefully giving you a few details that you aren’t getting on TV. Hopefully. For instance, here’s one: Two nights ago when I showed up a little early, the TNT set was vacant outside of Ernie Johnson pretending to take notes. Tonight, all of the shiny bald domes are already in their seats, and so is the NBA grandfather hipster, Chris Webber.
All signs point towards this All-Star Game being better than last night. Or at least I hope so. At the very least, stay here and talk some junk.
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6:22 ET: While we’re waiting for the real game to start, let me tell you a story from earlier today. I was invited out by Jordan Brand to ball at their open run they were putting on. I figured it would be just us media members going. Then I show up and it becomes clear I’ll be hooping with Jadakiss, DJ Clue and Wale. The worst part about the whole thing was those boys could actually play. Kiss scored on me three or four times (What’s my excuse? I’ll say I let him score because I just wanted to hear him scream “Ha Haa.”)
As for myself, I need to get back in basketball shape. I did have one lil’ highlight: dropped a dude on the break. He said he slipped. I’ll say I got him. Either way, more on this tomorrow…
6:31 ET: It’s funny how many people are now stealing Dirk‘s one-legged fadeaway. Is that just a byproduct of him winning a title? Kobe added it to his System. And out here during warm-ups, Marc Gasol and Kevin Durant are both working on it. A part of me says way to do your homework. The other part just says “These guys are so bored with being so ridiculously good that they’re just messing around off one leg.” Also seen in warm-ups: another Blake Griffin free-throw airball. There was no one around him. Only in 2012 can you become perhaps the NBA’s biggest young star and yet you’re also airmailing freebies.
6:36 ET: Email alert: I received one tonight about some major announcement Dennis Rodman will apparently make on the first of March. The tag line reads: “Reveals Naked Truth About Game.” I’ll be the guy not tuning in.
6:40 ET: On the bus ride in, even a non-basketball fan could’ve figured out tonight was a big night. There were TV trucks everywhere and the difference in security was like the difference in security between a Taylor Swift concert and a 2000 Ruff Ryders one. My favorite part was the random wannabe sneakerhead on the corner with a red video camera, holding it up in the arena’s general direction. Dude, who are you expecting to see? It was like he was trying to will one of the players into walking out into the middle of the street as if we were in Detroit and nobody cared.
6:49 ET: The media dining went hard tonight. They even had a sundae table. Vanilla ice cream. M&Ms. Chocolate sprinkles. I decided I’d stay strong on my new eating lifestyle (My boy is getting married in Cancun this summer. I’ll be hunting more little Mexican girls than Karl Malone.) and instead stuck with the regular dishes. It was one of those weird Lo Mein, fake Chinese food recipes that looked like someone went through the garbage and pulled out the remains.
7:00 ET: The Eastern All-Stars just took the court, but I’m more concentrated on all the talk about Steve Nash‘s “lesbian” haircut. Don’t you dare talk bad about my boy Stevie Nash.
7:01 ET: They showed Lil Wayne with the Magic’s mascot on the JumboTron a few minutes ago. Wow, that dude looked TORE UP. I really hope he was just extra happy, and not on his eighth Long Island.
7:10 ET: I love NBA warm-up lines. It’s the only place in the world where you can see the best players in the world miss five consecutive layups. The East just had a nice little run of gimme bricks, eventually stopped by a Derrick Rose scoop shot. Derrick, don’t you know it’s part of the program to go in and take a shot that you never, EVER think about shooting in a real game? Either way, this is at least better than Slam Dunk Contest warm-ups… you know, when guys do everything BUT dunk.
7:15 ET: To get back to my earlier story about the media dining room. Will Perdue was in there with me a little while ago. I also ran into Dennis Rodman earlier this weekend. I wonder if they ever met up? How funny would that be? “What up dude? Remember that time we were traded for each other in a deal that basically jumpstarted a dynasty?”
7:19 ET: I LOVE Nicki Minaj. Now shut up.
7:34 ET: Great introductions and a phenomenal anthem by Mary J. Blige. Nicki Minaj is also the hottest green-haired stormtrooper I’ve ever seen.
7:42 ET: How funny would it have been had Dwight just announced his “Decision” right there? Do you think that would’ve been even worse than what LeBron did? I would’ve laughed my ass off.
7:45 ET: The Eastern starters all decided to go with the bright-ass orange sneaker thing together didn’t they? Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard and LeBron all look like they should be playing for Clemson right now, dunking mercilessly on terrible ACC players and terrorizing sororities.
7:51 ET: Kobe already has 11 points. He’s definitely pissed Dwight doesn’t want to play for the Lakers and is taking it out on him and his city right now. By the way, remember when people said Bynum was better than Dwight? And yet he’s out here in the All-Star Game shooting airball threes and missing lobs. If you can’t finish a lob here, then I suggest getting off the court.
7:54 ET: Great segway on the JumboTron from Lil Wayne to Kevin Hart to… some random guy? Everyone in the arena was like “Um… who is this? Are we supposed to cheer for this cat?” A slow clap nearly started. I nearly knocked over my water laughing.
8:00 ET: This is where I cue up the “Dunk Contest sucked and they have a lot of dunks tonight so make a joke about how all of these could’ve won the contest last night” update. But instead I’ll hold back the cliche. Wait… aw oh well.
8:02 ET: Why is Mike Brown in the military? They just showed the military up on the JumboTron and there was a dude who was definitely an early edition clone of Mike Brown. Even the glasses were on point.
8:13 ET: Why isn’t the NBA’s grandfather hipster, Chris Webber, wearing his hipster glasses tonight? New NBA dress code violation. We’re calling it. Someone in the two locker rooms probably stole them in an effort to fit in.
8:17 ET: Andre Iguodala just had a ridiculous sidewinding, windmill dunk. We’re still pissed at you Nate, and especially at you NBA. Damn you all to Hell for screwing us out of more Iggy dunks. Talk to me if you know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m still pissed six years later!
8:24 ET: Russell Westbrook has come out gunning. So has Deron Williams. He’s already taken two pull-up threes, which is still nearly on pace for his average “bad shot” quota per game this season. All-Star Game or no All-Star Game, the headband-ed Deron Williams seems to be on a mission to become another version of Stephon Marbury.
8:30 ET: As we said, Russ West is going off. But yet he can’t even throw himself good passes. He just put one off the glass, and had to adjust like four times to get it and lay it in.
8:40 ET: It’s the half and the West already has 88 points. W. T. F. By the way, that was an awesome first half, probably the best I’ve seen in a long time. Now it’s the halftime performance. I’ll be in the bathroom for Pitbull if you need me.
8:53 ET: Damn, I couldn’t resist. I stayed and took in the halftime act. No clue why. Chris Brown is a worse singer than Kareem Rush, and listening to him live was just awful. He’s another star we should just mute and let him dance somewhere in the background.
8:58 ET: I guess it was good enough for Charles Barkley though. I just watched as he stood up and gave that thing a standing ovation. Also, Paul Pierce was out on the court taking photos of the performance.
9:03 ET: THe second half is about to start and all of the guys are out warming up. But two of them aren’t: Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki. The long lost drinking buddies are conversing on something at the top of the arc. Can I get a reunion next year? At the least, get Nash to ditch that haircut. He’s not over 50 yet and he’s not a woman either.
9:14 ET: LeBron has come out and hit two straight threes. Have we ever had an All-Star Game that he’s played in where he wasn’t one of the two or three leading candidates for MVP? Even if the West wins, I think he’ll be in the discussion just because he refuses to give up the ball.
9:16 ET: Like I said… LeBron. Dude is pretty good.
9:20 ET: So D-Wade just drew blood from Kobe after hitting him with one of those prison ballplayer specials, swinging down and wrapping him up from behind. How much money you want to bet that Kobe said somewhere in there “Nobody makes me bleed my own blood! Nobody!” Let’s all start up a discussion about how Kobe is now the toughest player in All-Star Game history by being one of the first to come back from blood.
9:26 ET: Crowd is going crazy over a bunch of old ladies dancing and striping to LMFAO‘s “I’m Sexy And I Know It.” This song haunts my dreams. The first time I saw the video, I almost cried and stabbed myself with a rusty screwdriver. Don’t ever watch it. It’s like The Ring. I could shrivel up into a ball and die at any moment.
9:30 ET: Kobe Bryant just passed Michael Jordan as the All-Star Game’s all-time leading scorer. And he did it on a dunk too. Somewhere Michael Jordan is playing craps, mumbling “Yeah, but I still got six rings, never had a tattoo inspired by a woman and can dress like a homeless man and people still think I’m cool.”
9:38 ET: Dirk Nowitzki just shot an airball in the lane, got pissed about it and said “Rurariro muraa” or something in German and then quickly canned his next jumper. That’s why they were calling him Dirk God on Twitter last summer. But seeing that airball? That was a rare bird.
9:45 ET: EPIC kiss cam in here a second ago. First, they showed John Wall and the groupie surprisingly hid her face and wouldn’t do it. Women these days. I guess groupie policy nowadays is anywhere but the lips now huh? Then they showed Kevin Hart and went to the fat dude on his right rather than the Meagan Good lookalike on his left. Thankfully, he held off as well.
9:57 ET: Nice little matchup between Kobe and Rajon Rondo. Myself and a couple of international journalists were discussing this last night: Rondo is almost like a little Kobe in terms of attitude. They’re both arrogant as f—, but at least to me, they do it in a way that’s weirdly lovable. Bryant’s always been a Dime favorite because of this. Very demanding, yet he can be the man at the same time.
10:06 ET: And here comes LeBron. It’s now a five-point game and LeBron shooting fallaways out of bounds and yet it feels like they’re all going in. The East would already be up in this one if Dwight Howard wasn’t pulling his “LeBron in Games 5 and 6 against Boston in the 2010 Playoffs” act during the All-Star Game.
10:18 ET: Kobe and the Truth just got into a little mini smack talk, culminating in Bryant missing the second free throw, Pierce running out on the court like he did something and Bryant scowling back at him the whole way to the bench.
10:22 ET: And so it begins… #LeBronslander
10:28 ET: And that’s it. Another one in the books. Kevin Durant is walking out of here with the MVP, the W for the West and 36 points. LeBron is walking out of here sulking. After the final buzzer sounded, he nearly ran over to the bench and sat there with his head down. Meanwhile, I’m walking out of here and back to real life tomorrow. Shoot me now. Peace.
What do you think?
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