One of the web’s greatest pleasures is wading into public Facebook and local news media postings for football teams that aren’t doing so hot. Inside these poorly moderated halls is where you find the true fans of America, willing to set spelling and anything approaching grammar aside for that one shining overreaction. Each week, we present these social media scholars in ‘____ Fans React Completely Reasonably’, because there is no better institution for intelligent, even-tempered discourse than the internet. The rules are simple: Find an annoyed fan base every week and dig out the bestworst publicly-accessible takes. Feel free to laugh, but know always that your team will be next, because all fans are secretly awful.
Welcome to a very special bonus edition of Fans React. I’ve been waiting a long time for this very day. I’ve been saving my own favorite team for the inevitable Manning playoff collapse, and now as an extra special bonus, there’s a coaching search on top of all that wonderful vitriol. Perhaps on Monday you thought to yourself, “Wow, all of these Cowboys fans saying silly things and not one person has mentioned Tim Tebow! Perhaps that era has finally ended!”
ha
hahahahahahahaha
Let’s do this thing. Come at me, fellow Bronco fans.
IS THIS LIKE A LUCHA LIBRE THING OR
Who is this masked BRONCOHOMBRE guy? Why is he taking names? Who gave him the right to be judge, jury and executioner? LET ME ASK YOU THIS: WHO WATCHES THE BRONCOHOMBRE HMMM
NO IT’S OKAY BRING SATAN BACK IT’LL BE FINE THIS TIME
WHAT.
WHAAAAAAAT. NO. NO NO NO. I hated Josh McDaniels. Never before had one guy just completely gone in and fucked up a franchise so very quickly. The idea here was to get that hot young stud OC and turn him into the next Mike Shanahan, and what we got was a guy who won 6 games before falling off of a cliff, alienated every good player, saluted Hitler, traded first round picks for second round picks, drafted YOU KNOW WHO, involved the Broncos in a taping scandal, and led the Broncos to their worst record in decades. Josh McDaniels was so incredibly ill-suited for the job that I’m astounded when people bring his name up. And they do.
PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND YOUR DEFINITION OF WINNING
“I am upset that Peyton said that he wants to win the Super Bowl. Instead, we should get a guy who wants to win.”
but you…. but that means, but…
*swallows shards of broken glass*
BEST PFTCOMMENTER INSPIRATION
Oh Reymundo, it is you who is the idiot. It ASTOUNDS me how many Bronco fans apparently hate Peyton Manning. I was floored. I figured there’d be some, and that I could easily highlight them all here, but no. I understand that you’re upset, and I personally think he’ll retire, and that’s fine. I don’t know if he’ll have the gas in him to go another year, but if he chooses to, so be it. I read SCORCHING HOT TAEKS DEMANDING ZAC DYSERT OVER PEYTON MANNING. You people don’t deserve good things.
Sigh.
THIS IS EITHER SOMEONE HAVING THIRTEEN STROKES IN ONE SENTENCE OR CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
PEYBOT DOES NOT REQUIRE YOUR HUMAN BEHAVIORAL MEDICATION. HE LIVES ONLY TO MAKE INFURIATING JINGLE ADS AND BREAK REGULAR SEASON PASSING RECORDS. ALSO PEYBOT IS COMPLETELY IMMOBILE SO PLEASE CARRY PEYBOT OFF THE FIELD AFTER FAILED THIRD DOWNS.
JEFF FIRES NOTHING BUT THE REALEST TRUTHBOMBS
In the lesson, we will examine the various codephrases used by the HOT TAKER. These act as a warning to let you the reader know that you are about to experience only the most SCALDING of OPINIONS:
1) “That’s all I have to say about TAKE”
2) “Here is a record for you: TAKE”
3) “Just because we call it like we see it”
4) “You can’t just sugarcoat stuff to make it easy to swallow”
PORTUGUESE MORE LIKE POOPTUGUESE
Thank you, Leonardo. This is the perfect comment. I am nine years old.
ALRIGHT. LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH
Here. This is what you all came to see. *opens curtain*
no
no
no it wasn’t it was infuriatingly bad for three quarters and then stupid shit happened for one
no this is a bad idea
no jesus no that’s really racist
no no no
no but maybe he’s high i mean colorado so
this is a triple combo of no
nah
oh i get it ‘betrayed’ so like judas elway also no
no comments
no jake plummer he is too busy being an awesome lumberjack handball player in montana probably
Okay. Okay so let’s try and parse what we’ve just done to ourselves here. There’s a lot of people who were infected with the Tebow in 2011. I understand. I get that. I thought that they’d have maybe moved on, but the rot seems to have taken hold in the fanbase. I can’t believe I still have to tell you this but:
Tebow is bad.
He is bad at footballs. I’m sorry. He’s probably a nice guy! He has a job now, and that is being annoying and speaking overeagerly on the SEC Network. He had a year where batshit insanity happened and we lucked into a division title at .500 and beat one team in overtime. I am astonished that I need to tell you that Peyton Manning is better than Tim Tebow, but here we are. Peyton Manning is better than Tim Tebow. We’re done (for now.)
UH SO HEY KEVIN THIS IS ALL PUBLIC I HOPE YOU KNOW
There was no Curtis Kirksey in any of the comments. I checked. I have no idea what’s happening here. I assume Kevin thought that he was posting to his own status or perhaps in some kind of Messenger conversation? I’m not sure but holy shit is he angry. I don’t know what you said, Curtis, but you’re gonna get a whoopin’.
Can we also discuss the annoying fan meme of “IF GOD IS AN X FAN, WHY IS THE (NATURAL PHENOMENA COLOR) AND THE (OTHER NATURAL PHENOMENA OTHER COLOR)” thing? Holy balls does that annoy me, because a) God has way more shit to worry about than some bullshit football team. b) If God is a Broncos fan, why doesn’t he just use his horseshit cheating God lifehack powers to perhaps take the awful debilitating Alzheimer’s disease away from Pat Bowlen so he can enjoy his own team? That’s a dick move, Almighty.
OKAY THIS CAN BE ANNOYING BUT STILL
I wish this was the real reason Foxy got canned. All the assistants go to Elway’s office and start yelling about how annoying it is to hear gum chomping all game in the headsets. Fox is given an ultimatum to give up the gum or get out of town, and he he grabs his pack of Trident, flips the bird, and peaces out.
YOU WON US TWO SUPER BOWLS BUT PLEASE KILL YOURSELF
Good lord, that’s a bit extreme, isn’t it? Can’t he just quit? Does he really have to end his own life because of John Fox? WAIT. DID YOU WRITE THIS COMMENT, DAVE RAPPOCCIO?
WE GOT OURSELVES A YINZER
Oh this is nice. Actually, how awesome would it be if Cowher came in and won the Super Bowl with John Fox’s players? It’d be like every Mike Tomlin complaint from the Steelers week only in reverse.
SURPRISINGLY, THIS ONLY HAS TWO SIGNATURES
Man this is dumb. Have you seen Joe Montana in those new TV ads, by the way? He’s turned full-on Grandpa Simpson. He’s completely entrenched in “Doddering Old Man” territory. “HEY WHY AM I EATING PIZZA WITH PEYTON. WHERE ARE MY PANTS. HAHA LOOK I DREW A LEPRECHAUN”
Anyway, I DUG DEEPER for you and went to that petition. Check out the overview:
CHAMPIONSHIPS *AND* SUPERBOWLS.
BEST ACTUAL LOLS
ahahahahahah this is such a dumb joke and I love it so much.
NOT THE BEST ACTUAL LOLS
This isn’t even all of it. It went on forever. How have these people been on the internet and not heard a “THANKS OBAMA” joke? Why are we even making other jokes? I spent hours doing this dumb article and it won’t get nearly the amount of rapturous praise that one dude on Facebook gets. HE WON THE INTERNET WITH THIS JOKE. IT SAYS SO.
TAKE OF THE WEEK:
*writes in-depth paragraph pointing out glaring factual errors*
*erases paragraph*
*shuts laptop*
*eats laptop*
*burns every Denver Broncos item he owns*
I am one of you no longer.