The Terrible, Wonderful, Hand-Painted World of Football Keepsakes

This all started when local Pittsburgh radio host Colin Dunlap tweeted the following:

Look at that. Just take a minute and bask in its illuminated magnificence. There’s no way this gem doesn’t end up on every office desk in Allegheny County. 14 inches of line-jumpin’, shampoo-peddlin’ excitement – all yours for the low, low price of ONE HUNDRED FORTY DOLLARS. This got me to thinking – we bag on yinzers here (or well, I do), but you know they make these for every team, because there’s always a market for ridiculous overpriced tchotchkes. To find them, I first had to uncover who made this abomination:

Wait, what were we searching for again? I just wanted a eighty dollar fake stained glass Packers lamp, not the New World Order. Ah yes, here we go:

That’s not THAT bad, I guess, right? Sure it’s not real – it’s “inspired by the works of Louis Comfort Tiffany”, and you know, it’s made out of vinyl. But hey, LIMITED EDITION. Let’s take a look at a sampling of the rest of the NFL stuff, shall we?

Oh hey! They do make other teams. You too can get a 14″ inch mini-Gronk! *pauses for dick joke chortling to subside* When researching these fine collectibles, I showed Ape this sculpture and the first thing he said was “That has definitely been inserted into someone’s rectum.” He’s absolutely, terrifyingly correct. And hey! You can get an RG3 one as well, in case you need to build an illuminated shrine to laughingly poor Dan Snyder decisions.

What else does this wonderful site have for us? Let’s go out on a limb and say you’re a Cowboys fan and you want to start your youngin early on the joys of alcoholism:

Sure. That’s ‘milk’ in that bottle. And for the low price of $40, you can get a set with a tiny grill too! Look at that little Cowboy baby. He thinks he’s people!

Early on I began to notice that, much like the early Sears catalogs that had four pages of team merchandise, not all fanbases were equally represented. As you’d expect, the Bradford Exchange site is dominated by Cowboys, Packers, and Steelers merchandise. But here and there, we could pick up a few outliers:

Oh cool, Lisa Frank decided to become a Baltimore Ravens fan. That’s..that’s just awesome. And hey, it’s part of a set! Check out the description:

It’s acclaimed artist Jasmine Becket-Griffith’s first-ever fairy figurine collection specially created to enchant Baltimore Ravens fans, and the magic begins with Issue One, A Little Bit of Ravens Magic. Next to arrive is Issue Two, Team Spirit Style. Soon your collection will continue with Issue Three, Enchanting Moments in the Red Zone.

This could all be yours at the low, low cost of $FarTooMuchMoney.

Lastly, and very easily the worst of the bunch? This $200 illuminated Pittsburgh Steelers Rotating Carousel….thing:

Oh wow. Just…wow look at this work of…art…in all its majesty. There’s even VIDEO on the page. It lights up! It plays that awful “Here we go” song! It cherry picks three Pittsburgh skyline buildings, one of which isn’t even downtown, and gets the name of the bridge wrong! Really, what more could you want in your yinzer celebratory sculpture? It even has a Heinz Field that very much isn’t Heinz Field at all!

If you’re upset that your team’s mechandise wasn’t featured above, feel free to check out the site yourself You could score an 80’s Bears Camaro, or a Broncos Betty Boop cheerleader, or perhaps, if you’re really good, a crying Raiders baby on a blanket.