The concept of Southie Batman was birthed right here in the FilmDrunk comments section, and it was just too good not to run with. So run with it we did. By myself and the commenter known as Chareth Cutestory.
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[interior, opulent bedroom, a soft rap at the door]
ALFRED
Mr. Wayne?
[Lamp smashes against door]
BRUCE
WHAT THE FACK, ALFRED, I’M FACKIN SLEEPIN. DON’T YOU EVAH KNAWCK?
ALFRED
…I did knock, sir. Apologies.
BRUCE
What the fack evah. …Fack me sideways, this hangovah. Anyway, whaddya want?
ALFRED
Breakfast for you, sir. Once you and your… -ahem- guest are presentable, of course.
BRUCE
OH FACK YOU. CHAHLENE IS COOL.
DENISE
My name’s Denise.
BRUCE
Whatevah. You want some flapjacks oah nawt?
ALFRED
Actually, sir, I’ve prepared poached eggs and gravlax.
BRUCE
THE FACK YOU JUST SAY TA ME?
[grabs for now missing lamp, tumbles to floor]
[Bruce Wayne, walking down stairs in Bruins sweater, briefs, and athletic socks, Denise in tow]
[Bruce walks into the Wayne Manor dining hall to see a freckled girl with a black eye and a feather earring already sitting at the table]
BRUCE
OH LAWD JESUS FACK! ALFRED, WHAT THE FACK IS MARY-ALICE DOIN HEAH?
MARY-ALICE WAYNE
NICE TA SEE YOU TOO, CAWKSUCKAH!
ALFRED
It seems your cousin was involved in some sort of “domestic dispute” and came to sleep here last night, Mr. Wayne.
MARY-ALICE
Rawbby caught me stealin’ awxy out of his dressah and give me and knuckle sangwich. It’s only fa ra few days. I still love the cawksuckah, though, lawd help us.
…Who’s this hookah?
BRUCE
YOU WATCH YOAH SMAHT MOUTH AROUND CHAHLENE!
DENISE
My name is Denise.
BRUCE
Whatevah. Alfred, flip on Spawtscentah.
[a voice from upstairs]
VOICE
Hey, where’s my fackin’ flapjacks?
BRUCE
YOU MEAN YOAH FACKIN FLAPJACKS THAT I FACKIN PAY FA, YOU FREELOADIN FACK?
VOICE
…C’mon, I’m hungry. Why you bein’ such a hahd on?
BRUCE
YA BEEN HEAH FOAH MONTHS, DAWNNY! YOU HAVEN’T PAID FA TWO FAHTS SINCE YA GAWT HEAH.
DAWNNY
Nevah woulda come in the first place if I’d a known I’d hafta take this kinda abuse. …Can I have my flapjacks now, mistah big shawt? Pretty please?
BRUCE
YOU WANT YOAH FLAPJACKS, HEAH’S YA FACKIN FLAPJACKS!
[Bruce hurls plate of food towards upstairs bedroom, it smashes on the wall]
DAWNNY
…Yeah, nice one, tough guy. I’m shuwah everyone heah’s real fackin’ impressed. Suh Lawrence a Fackin Liveeyay ovah heah.
[Dawnny quietly picks gravlax off the floor. He pops one into his mouth, shrugs, and walks back inside room.]
BRUCE
I sweyah ta gawd.
[Bruce takes a bite of his breakfast, immediately spits it out]
BRUCE
ALFRED, WHAT THE FACK, THESE FLAPJACKS TASTE LIKE TWAT.
ALFRED
They’re gravlax, sir. Cured fish.
BRUCE
Oh fa fack’s sake, Alfred. Tryna kill me feedin’ me fackin’ dawlphin food.
I’m gonna go buy me an’ Chahlene some Wahlbergahs.
DENISE
My name’s–
BRUCE
DAWNNY! WHEYAH’D YOU PUT MY FACKIN’ CAH KEYS?
ALFRED
Ahem, speaking of the Batmobile, Sir. Commissioner Gordon rang for you. Apparently you crashed through the walls of Arkham Asylum last night.
BRUCE
YOU TRY TO PARALLEL PAHK A FACKIN RAWKIT CAH WHILE LOADED. AWL THOSE FACKIN’ LEVAHS.
ALFRED
[sigh] Well apparently the Riddler and his goons escaped.”
BRUCE
NO. FACK THAT. PATS GAWT A PRESEASON GAME TONIGHT AND I GAWTTA SEE IF TAWM BRADY IS STILL LIMPING AROUND LIKE FACKIN JERRY’S KIDS.
ALFRED
But–
BRUCE
I AM NAWT LOSING TO RAWBIN IN FANTASY AGAIN THIS SEASON. I GAWTTA DRAFT SMAHTAH.
ALFRED
…Sir.
BRUCE
AWRIGHT, FINE. I’LL DO IT. BUNCHA FACKIN BABIES IN THIS TOWN.
[Bruce Wayne pulls candlestick on wall, Denise plummets through trap door]
BRUCE
Wait, which one a these opens my clawset?
ALFRED
None of them, Sir. Your closet is a walk in. You simply…walk into it.
BRUCE
THEY TEACH YOU THAT AT BUTLAH SCHOOL, SMAHT GUY?
[Bruce walks in his closet, comes out a few minutes later in the bat suit]
MARY-ALICE
…What’s with the little hoans?
BRUCE
THEYAH NAWT HOANS, YOU TWAT, THEYAH FACKIN EAHS.
MARY-ALICE
Why do the bat eahs look like hoans?
BRUCE
THEY JUST FACKIN DO, AWRIGHT? It’s paht a my suit. It’s fa rintimidation. I break into the bad guys weyahhouse, jump down from the ceilin wit my pointy fackin eahs, and everyone pisses theyah shawts.
MARY-ALICE
Shouldn’t it at least have Grawnk’s numbah awn the back, instead a the queah shawl?
BRUCE
IT’S A CAPE, MARY-ALICE. IT’S A FACKIN TACTICAL CAPE.
MARY-ALICE
Fa what?
BRUCE
FA WHEN I WANNA …I DUNNO… SWOOP AROUND AND SHIT.
MARY-ALICE
…The fack?
BRUCE
JUST GET OUTTA MY ROOM, I GAWT FACKIN’ CRIMES TA SAWLVE.
[frantically pulling at candle sticks]
[scene]