Before we get to comments of the week proper, I just wanted to direct your attention to the new type of spam we’ve been getting. A while back, there were comment spambots that would start their spam with “lol, thats retarded!” and then go into their schpiel about dating sites or penis pills or whatever. Which always made me think, “What the hell? The robots are insulting me now?” It’s a sad statement on internet culture when the first step towards helping our cyborgs blend in is teaching them to be snarky assh*les. Well now there’s a new type of bot that seems to copy and paste previous comments by way of agreement before going into the normal pitch. I wanted to highlight a few of these, because something about robot-speak mixed with FilmDrunk commenter-speak just cracks me up:
wanwow: They are white kids just trying to look like Japenese kids so they put bagels in their heads to make their eyes slanty.
I am a 28 years old doctor, mature and beautiful.and now I am seeking a good man who can give me real love , so i got a username Andromeda2002 on–s’e’ek’c’ou’ga’r.c óm–.it is the first and best club for y’ounger women and old’er men, or older women and y’ounger men,to int’eract with each other. Maybe you wanna ch’eck ‘it out or tell your friends!wanwow: The BAC of the driver is .196. The car leaves the road and goes through 40 yards of trees. When does this event turn from “tragedy” to “what the f*ck did you expect”? Solve for x. Show all work. I am a 28 years old doctor, mature and beautiful.and now I am seeking a good man who can give me real love , so i got a username Andromeda2002 on–s’e’ek’c’ou’ga’r.c óm–.it is the first and best club for y’ounger women and old’er men, or older women and y’ounger men,to int’eract with each other. Maybe you wanna ch’eck ‘it out or tell your friends!
wanwow: “You are posting too fast, slow dowqn” His big Klingon ass! The Mighty Feklahr will drive to the f*cking internet and duck rape Uproxx with His corkscrew penis if that little f*cker mouths off to Him again!
I am a 28 years old doctor, mature and beautiful.and now I am seeking a good man who can give me real love , so i got a username Andromeda2002 on–s’e’ek’c’ou’ga’r.c óm–.it is the first and best club for y’ounger women and old’er men, or older women and y’ounger men,to int’eract with each other. Maybe you wanna ch’eck ‘it out or tell your friends!
Ahh, that’s good stuff. Okay, time for the real Comments of the Week winner:
From the trailer for the Footloose remake has line dancing:
Chareth Cutestory: Reached for comment, Kenny Loggins laid motionless on the deck of a dilapidated catamaran.
What can I say? That’s just a believable visual. Honorable mentions below.
Keira Knightley is in a movie about Freud:
ChaseMit: Sometimes a cigar is just Keira Knightley facing sideways.
Meth Homework: I just learned Keira Knightley being tortured looks just like Sarah Jessica Parker giggling.
Patty Boots: In Never Let Me Go, there’s a sex scene between Keira and Scarfield. It was like watching two haunted house skeletons knocking into each other in a strong wind.
Yes, she is rahther skinny.
Jacktion! gets a nice callback in on Tobey Maguire won millions in illegal poker:
Jacktion! says: Jeff Buckley tried to get into celebrity poker, but he lost it all on the river.
And of course, many of you had terrible, terribly funny things to say about Ryan Dunn:
Stinky Peet says: April Margera tried to tell him that those UNITD93 vanity license plates were a bad idea…
ChinoMoreno says: I hope he enjoyed his 15 minutes of flame.
From Sean Penn is an ugly woman (headline: KILL IT WITH FIRE!):
Jacktion!: I’m pretty sure this headline is what God said about Ryan Dunn.
Goodness, people. What kind of example are you setting for the children and spambots?
From Rise of Planet of the Apes has a terrible poster:
AlftheSacredBurro : I can’t wait for the scene in which Chimp 9 says, “Remember Draco, when I promised to kill you last.”
“That’s right Chimp 9, you did!”
“I had already evolved the capacity to lie.”
Commando references, always timely.
From new pictures from The Hobbit:
EnglishPrick: Alas, Bilbo’s crippling dyslexia coupled with his nu-folk dress sense conspired to keep him from the hallowed portals of the Grindcore Literary Club.
Now that’s how you caption.
And last but not least, from Captain America’s bare chest gets Tool for walk-up music:
klwillis45: What a coincindence. Fahwty six n two is the Sawx record versus dose Bronx queahs tha last 4 seasons.
Indeed. Thanks to all. And please nominate in the comments section below for next week.