It’s that time of year again, when Mr. Skin puts out his list of the top nude scenes of 2014, and everyone at FilmDrunk HQ puts on our monocles and pulls out our magnifying glasses to double check their work. To the surprise of no one, Alexandra Daddario’s turn in True Detective earned Mr. Skin’s number one pun. It’s a double-edged sword when your actress is so attractive that her mere presence renders a scene unrealistic, I think I shouted “OH COME ON!” at my TV. Also, I now refer to all spectacular breasts as “Daddarios.”
Here’s the list from Mr. Skin, to get you all excited, along with the worst pun for each entry to kill your erection.
1. Alexandra Daddario in True Detective. “Alexandra wasn’t on anyone’s radar a year ago, but thanks to her fully nude debut- including some lip-smacking lower frontal...” Wow, I didn’t think I could be nauseous while picturing Alexandra D’addario, thanks, Mr. Skin.
2. Scarlett Johansson in Under the Skin. “It was the nude debut everyone was waiting for, and absolutely no one thought it would end up being as spec-rack-ular as it was!”
3. Eva Green in Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; Eva Green in 300: Rise Of An Empire. “That topless turn caused more than an empire to rise!”; “Eva is certainly a dame to spill for!”
4. Stacy Martin in Nymphomaniac. “Our diagnosis is that Stacy is a Skinphomaniac!”
5. Olivia Wilde in Third Person. “Olivia attempts to seduce a married Liam Neeson by dropping her towel and showing off her glorious hoots and glutes! Hey, it’s not like her name is Olivia Mild!”
6. Lizzy Caplan in Masters of Sex. “Playing one half of the sex research team Masters and Johnson, Lizzy was tireless in showing T&A for science. It’ll have you Mastering your Johnson!”
7. Keri Russell in The Americans. “Check and see if Keri Russell’d up something in your pants!”
8. Nathalie Emmanuel in Game of Thrones. “Looks like she’s a member of House Stark… Stark Naked!”
9. Shailene Woodley in White Bird in a Blizzard. “Baring her beauties for the second time in as many years, Shailene showed off her sensational sweater pups while getting busy all over the house! Ms. Woodley always manages to give us a woody!”
10. Cameron Diaz in Sex Tape. “Once it was uploaded to the cloud, it was downloaded to guy’s hard drives all across the land!”
It’s impressive how well Mr. Skin’s ear-splittingly flat Chicago accent comes through just in text. If I were ranking his puns, I’d say “lip-smacking lower frontal” is definitely the most vomit-inducing, while “hoots and gloots,” while far less evocative, is almost as disconcerting.
As far as his choices, there were a few notable snubs. Obviously, Ben Affleck’s dong, but Mr. Skin has a whole separate site for dongs (don’t worry, the puns are just as gross). Now then:
- Emily Ratajkowski in Gone Girl. As Frotcast Brendan said, “At first I was like, ‘is that the girl from the Blurred Lines video?’ and then she took her shirt off and I was like ‘That’s definitely the girl from the Blurred Lines video.'”
- Caitlin Fitzgerald in Masters of Sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love Lizzy Caplan, but she wasn’t the only one naked on that show.
- Reese Witherspoon in Wild. She really wants that second Oscar.
- Ashley Greene in that awful Zach Braff movie, Wish I Was Here. She wasn’t “naked” per se, but she was as visible as Cameron Diaz in Sex Tape.
Additionally, I’d award Turn the show that most desperately needed to be picked up by a network that allows nudity, but I suppose that’s neither here nor there.
Any that I missed? Haha, just kidding, I’m sure you’ll tell me.