Last week on the Frotcast, we stumbled onto the topic of Steven Seagal movies and their interchangeable, generic titles. We challenged you, the reader/listener, to submit your own. I think it all started when I told the story of being home sick from school when I was kid and renting all the Seagal movies I hadn’t seen yet. We rented Out for Justice, which I thought I hadn’t seen, but it turned out Marked for Death, which was still at the video store, was actually the one I hadn’t seen. At which point I cried, because I really had my heart set on watching a new Steven Seagal movie. Or maybe it was the other way around. Or maybe one of them was Hard to Kill. Point being, Steven Seagal movie titles are hilariously similar.
BUT. Did you know just HOW hilariously similar? I’m going to make you a bet. I’m going to bet that no matter how similar you thought Steven Seagal movies were, this gallery of Steven Seagal posters is still going to blow your mind with its hilarious formulaitude. In fact, if I were writing a Steven Seagal movie about writing a Steven Seagal movie, it would go something like this.
By all outward appearances, Jack Steven Seagal Appearances was just a simple janitor. But when a gang of terrorists kidnapped his daughter and stole his collection of ornate saddles, they’d quickly find out… APPEARANCES can be DECEIVING. This Summer. Steven Seagal is… Taking Out the Trash. All he needs is a weapon, a dumb look on his face, and a burning foreign city to stand in front of.
Just to clarify, this entire gallery consists of real Steven Seagal movies that actually exist, not parodies or Photoshops. Well, they are parodies, but not intentional ones. They are glorious. Enjoy.
Behold, the archetypal Steven Seagal movie poster:
- Three-word title
- Weapon
- Stupid look
- Awesome tagline
- Burning foreign city
God, I hope his name is “Sgt. Tom Dangerous.”
Actual synopsis:
After serving 6 years for a crime he didn’t commit, Shane Daniels is released from jail with an apology from the State of Arizona. Within hours of his freedom, he unluckily bears witness to a cop killing by Chinese mafia who have a kidnapped girl and a bag of drugmoney. In this action packed thrill ride, Shane agreed to help the girl to get her uncle back to safety.
This one I’m sure you’ve heard of, but it warranted inclusion nonetheless. No, this is not the one where he wants to find out why Jimmy did Bobby Lupo. That was Out for Justice, in which he played Gino Felino. In this one he’s Nico Toscani. Like duh, dude.
Seagalogists refer to the era between 1988 and 1991 as his “Dago Period.”
Actual synopsis:
He was a covert agent trained in Vietnam. He has a master 6th degree black belt in Aikido… and family in the Mafia. He’s a cop with an attitude
BONUS: He sword fights Mexicans in this one!
Another foreign city, but TWO guns this time! My only question: does he play Lt. Jack Force or Colonel Charles Attack?
Actual synopsis:
When MARSHALL LAWSON (Seagal) loses his strike-team in a cold-blooded and seemingly random attack, he takes it upon himself to investigate the suspicious circumstances of the brutal killings. Soon he uncovers CTX Majestic, a covert military operation so secret, that now the military wants Marshall eliminated. Resolute in his pursuit, Marshall engages in a merciless battle with a drug dealer operation that appears to be secretly funded by a rogue arm of the military.
Drug dealers AND the military. THIS ONE GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP!
Seagal, gun, explosion. See, you can just Photoshop them together if necessary.
Actual Synopsis:
An ex-CIA agent’s quest to find his kidnapped daughter leads him on a trail of political intrigue, corruption, danger and betrayal; he will stop at nothing to save her.
Steven Seagal is… Special Agent James Beast…
Is that London back there? Oh you know it’s gonna burn.
Actual Synopsis:
A hard core Interpol Agent is assigned to an Eastern European task force to target gun trafficking and dope running throughout the Balkans. While investigating a Russian gun dealer, his team is caught in a bloody street war between a Gypsy gang and the Russians, leaving one task force member dead. Fueled with vengeance, he leads us on an action packed thrill ride while avenging his friend’s death.
Bonus points: Steven wrote this one himself.
Same movie, new tagline. “Street Justice has no rules.” That’s right, eye gouges and karate chops to the neck are perfectly legal in street justice.
Again, the perfect Seagal poster. Gun, stupid look, burning foreign city (Russian orthodox church?), awesome tagline. Someone’s going to the blood bank in this one, I can feel it.
Actual synopsis:
A former Russian mobster named Ruslan, who is now a crime novelist, returns home and discovers his daughter is marrying his arch nemesis. His past also comes back to haunt him when his family is threatened. Hungry for justice, Ruslan returns to the life he once knew…with a vengeance.
A badass crime novelist! God I hope there’s a pen-is-mightier-than-the-sword scene in which someone gets stabbed with a pen.
Gun, three words, stupid look, foreign city — OOH, AND A PLANE! THEY’VE OUT DONE THEMSELVES!
Actual synopsis:
John, is sent in to recover a stolen Stealth Bomber. His trusty sidekick Rojar and John’s ever faithful Jessica, fight the rebel forces of Banansistan, led by the vivacious Ellianna.
Uh oh, I think IMDB got pranked. One sec…
Steven Seagal stars in this high-octane thriller as John Sands, a secret operative used by the United States Air Force for those clandestine operations deemed too sensitive for the regular intelligence services. When his own Agency feels threatened by the knowledge he gained from past exploits — they quickly imprison him and schedule a chemical wipe of his memories. Feeling betrayed by his Agency, John escapes the hi-tech detention center and plans to assimilate into society. Unfortunately, the Air Force has other plans for him. A top secret Stealth Bomber that uses the latest in stealth cloaking technology has been hijacked and it’s their belief that John’s the only man capable of getting it back before it falls into the hands of a terrorist group that could prove to be an unstoppable force.
Ooh, should’ve cast Terrence Howard. He swears by chemical wipes.
I legitimately LOL’d at this one. I think it was the ankle-length leather trench coat that did it.
Seagal also co-wrote this one. It was directed by a guy named “mink” (lower-case his).
When a government official is killed, an American operative with experience in the Yakuza culture is brought into investigate.
Steven Seagal is… Russell Sun…
I love how the “for justice” looks like they slapped it on at the very end. He’s a Mercenary… (*dramatic pause*) FOR JUSTICE! (*arm snap, guitar solo*)
Actual synopsis:
A mercenary gets involved in a mission that threatens the lives of his kin. In order to succeed, he must break into one of the most wellguarded prisons in Eastern Europe and free the son of the most notorious drug lord in the world today.
Actual director’s name: Don E. FauntLeRoy. God, I hope he pronounces that “Font Leroy.” Seagal movie directors love creative capitalization. Why am I not surprised?
Oh I remember this one. I’m pretty sure Seagal has considered himself native American ever since.
Plot summary:
Forrest Taft is an environmental agent who works for the Aegis Oil Company in Alaska. Aegis Oil’s corrupt CEO, Michael Jennings, is the kind of person who doesn’t care whether or not oil spills into the ocean or onto the land, just as long as it’s making money for him. He even makes commercials that make him look like he cares about the environment. Jennings is almost finished with building his new state-of-the art oil rig: AEGIS-1. The problem is that if he doesn’t finish building the rig in thirteen days, the land rights will be returned to the Eskimos and the Alaskan government. When Jennings finds out that Taft’s best friend Hugh Palmer has a computer disk that contains information about defective equipment on AEGIS-1, he sends out his goons to murder Palmer. When Taft tries to interfere, Jennings tries to kill Taft. But an Eskimo woman named Masu, who introduces Taft to her father Silook, the chief of her tribe, rescues Taft. With Masu’s help, Taft begins a trek through the Alaskan wilderness, heading straight for AEGIS-1 and to destroy it before it destroys all of the forest.
(*Seagal jumps from behind tree, kills henchman with garrotte*). “Looks like someone… couldn’t see the Forrest for the trees.”
“Don’t open that manhole, I just took a dump down there.”
I think we all know this one. ANYBODY SEEN RICHIE?
As an Italian-American, I can confirm: we all sound like that.
I really wish he was retrieving a frozen burrito from the top shelf on the cover of this one.
Billy Ray Lansing, a former covert agent turned survivalist, discovers that the foster program he is using to help a young girl is actually a human trafficking network. Lancing heads overseas to find the girl and shut down the operation.
Billy Ray Lansing. Yes, Steven Seagal was born in Lansing, Michigan. They actually use some form of pornstar naming convention for some of these.
LEAVE ME ALONE, MOM! I’M JUST GOING OUT FOR A KILL! QUIT BREAKIN’ MY BALLS!
An unsuspecting university professor is an unwitting accomplice in a foiled Chinese cocaine deal. Wrongly imprisoned, he escapes to take his revenge and prove his innocence
This poor son of a bitch gets wrongly imprisoned more than a black guy in Mississippi.
The “I” in that title is supposed to be a meatball sub, I believe. Also, that tagline completes me.
“Steven Seagal IS… Jack Pistol….”
Matt is an elite ex-cop whose life has gone down hill since he was kicked off the Force. After a rough encounter with a mysterious henchman, Matt is brought face to face with his only chance at reclaiming his life and clearing his gambling debt markers. Only after he gets started on his new tasks does he recognize good guy from bad. Meanwhile Matt’s love for his only daughter helps him battle one of his greatest enemies, alcoholism.
“Matt?” I’m so disappointed.
I THOUGHT I LOVED THAT LAST TAGLINE BUT I WAS WRONG, THIS ONE IS BETTER! It doesn’t even need a synopsis.
Guns, fire, henchmen. But only two words, I can’t help but feel gypped.
Roland Sallinger is an LA cop who after nearly being killed by his greedy partner, and eventually being forced to retire for medical reasons, flees to San Antonio, Texas, after being asked to work as a bodyguard for the daughter of a wealthy businessman. The businessman had been a colleague of Sallinger years before, when they were both cops. When mobsters kidnap the businessman’s daughter, he hunts them down to rescue her and protect her.
Those medical reasons? You guessed it, a unique physiological reaction to arousal.
Oh. My. God. “What Seagal does in Vegas, nearly destroys it.” I think I just reached enlightenment.
A former thief who is trying to go straight seeks vengeance on those who framed him.
IT’S “URBAN” SO HE TURNS THE GUNS SIDEWAYS, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Actual synopsis:
Seagal plays a man with a dark and violent past, who seeks revenge for the murder of his son.
Uhh… don’t you mean “an URBAN and violent past?”
I kid, I kid. But seriously, Steven Seagal, Danny Trejo, and Eddie Griffin in a lady hat? I’m totally renting this.
We need to schedule a viewing party very soon.