The irony of Uwe Boll taking to Kickstarter to finance his next film, which he did recently, is rich, considering the most commonly asked question about Uwe Boll was how his terrible movies ever got financed in the first place.
The answer, to make a long story short, is that German investors were using his movies as a tax shelter because of a law that allowed them to write off any money they invested in his movies as a loss, and pay taxes only on the remainder of their income, sometimes in a lower tax bracket. That system changed in 2008 and Boll hasn’t been the same since. By which I mean his crappy movies have had a much lower budget.
Now he’s on Kickstarter, begging his fans that supposedly exist, for money to finance a sequel to Postal, the only Boll movie I’ve ever seen, which I shut off about 10 minutes in because it was unwatchable, though Dave Foley was kind of funny (and naked) in it.
The Kickstarter description has a typo in the very first line of the About section, and the apparently unedited video starts with a pause and the guy behind the camera saying “Go” just before Boll starts talking. This is the kind of quality filmmaking you’ll be putting your money towards. Thus, I have to wonder: Is this a joke? Because if it is, it’s the most clever thing Uwe Boll has ever done. Behold:
About the Movie
POSTAL 2 will finally destroy the filmindustry and the world we are living in. We could name the movie also HONEY BOOBOO must die ….but so many people deserve to die. Why starting with a child? Did Osama die? We know. And why the Navy Seals were too stupid to land a helicopter on a free field? Why did Building 6 collapse? We explain. Why is Obama is like Bush? We show you.
“Why the Navy Seals were too stupid to land a helicopter on a free field?” This is great. I feel like broken English conspiracy theorism is the most honest conspiracy theorism. “Why lizerdpeople only live in hollow moon? Am they scare? We show you. Give money.”
Where the money goes
The money goes all for cocaine for the stars down the nose.
Risks and chances
The Risk is: Everybody will hate you but the NRA will love you in being part of POSTAL 2. Our bodycount will be higher as Hiroshima and Dancing with the Stars combined.
And dont forget: September 11 didnt count because Mohammad Atta took the same steroids as Lance Armstrong. But he never lied about it.
The chance is: Support the movie and show this way that you think what we think: Karl Marx and George Orwell were right. We dont live in a democracy and we are getting screwed over by politics every second of our days. Till the Dude with the Hammer and the Magnum comes.
By “the Dude with the Hammer and the Magnum” I assume he’s talking about Jeffrey Lebowski playing Thor with a giant dick.
Seriously…
POSTAL 2 will be a controversial comedy in which we take up current political issues. We take the biggest scandals of our democracy, like the happenings about Julien Assange and Edward Snowdon and show that there is no difference between our democracy and the prison camps in Russia or China. We show that through this massive monitoring our communication data is not safe anymore! We want to make a movie which is totally uncensored, pointed against everything and everybody, against every political party and every religion. There will be no survivors.
“But on scherious note: Ve vant make pointed schatire about anysing and everysing! Not only flailing and hyperbolic, but also vague, like all uff za best satire!”
I might as well blockquote the entire description, because there’s not a word of it that isn’t gold. Who better to finally tell you the truth about Edward Snowden then the guy who can’t even spell Edward Snowden?!
CREW
Uwe Boll (director, autor, producer) – Already in his youth Uwe Boll produced short movies on Super8 and Video. He made commercial spots for E-Plus, Lucky Strike, Porsche and Pall Mall. Since 1991 he produced more than 30 movies. In 2010 his movie DARFUR won the price for the best international movie at the New York International Independent Film & Video Festival.
Uwe Boll haff von furscht price, oont he vill vin it again like za souzand year reich!
He wants $500,000, and I doubt he’ll get it, but I will donate $10 to this just so that Uwe Boll continues to be the clown prince of the movie industry. Don’t ever change, Uwe.
[I’d reiterate my offer to fight him, but that seems like it’d just be sad at this point.]