Before I get too heated and you immediately stop reading, here is the IMBD synopsis of the film Exists for you to peruse:
For five friends, it was a chance for a summer getaway- a weekend of camping in the Texas Big Thicket. But visions of a carefree vacation are shattered with an accident on a dark and desolate country road. In the wake of the accident, a bloodcurdling force of nature is unleashed-something not exactly human, but not completely animal- an urban legend come to terrifying life and seeking murderous revenge.
OK, now that that’s out of the way… what the fu*k, Hollywood? Look, I understand that coming up with an idea for a movie is hard and I think that anyone actually completing a feature-length film is a tremendous accomplishment in and of itself. That being said, who the fu*k decided to green-light a Sasquatch slasher film? Seriously. Which one of you simple, Hollywood motherfu*kers saw the script for Exists and said “Attach the director of The Blair Witch Project to this sh*tshow and you got yourself a movie, kid!”?
I know I can’t judge it on the trailer alone and that there’s a chance the movie itself will be great. But holy fu*k, was that trailer just the most generic thing I’ve ever seen. If I wasn’t so sure of my own gauge for subtle comedy, I could swear that the whole thing was a parody of a slasher film’s trailer, or that Exists isn’t actually a movie but instead some sort of Windy City Heat-esque prank. But no. This sh*t is serious, no matter how hilariously bad it seems. My personal favorite were the BRAAAHMS that played as bigfoot appeared on screen. I also loved the line “There’s no credible documented cases of a Sasquatch attack,” a line so bad that I might actually go see this movie just to see the context. Other highlights from the trailer include:
- Kid wearing hip Daniel Johnston tee-shirt so that he can relate to idiots like me.
- White chick and racially ambiguous chick make out for my pleasure.
- Shout out to the “leave Britany alone” guy
- The line “We are officially in un-GPS territory.” Ugh.
- Their quest to make “The best YouTube video ever”
If the trailer is this action-packed with excruciating terribleness, how bad will the actual movie be? Who knows? Maybe it’ll be great. Maybe Marlon Wayans will show up and I can breathe a sigh of relief. But I doubt it.
Jesus, even the poster is bad. God help us all.