WEEKEND MOVIE GUIDE: Opening this weekend, we’ve got Rise of the Planet of the Apes (ROTPOTA!), The Change-Up, and Bellflower (NY & LA only).
ROTPOTA: Digitized Andy Serkis leads an ape insurrection in, ‘Apeheart,’ much to the chagrin of James Franco, handsome scientist.
RottenTomatoes: 79%
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
They probably should have called it “Beneath the Dignity of the Planet of the Apes,” but “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” is tolerable if you’ll just keep in mind that the original feature was an overachieving B-movie. -Kyle Smith, NY Post
“This is sharp, thrilling summertime fun here, a movie that addresses its inherently ridiculous premise with a straight face and dares you not to take it seriously.” -Eric D. Snider, Film.com
“Retarded, but with flair, like my cousin, Mongoloid Ramón.” –Me, the Greatest Website in the World.
Armchair Analysis: Dude. They got an ACTOR to PRETEND TO BE AN APE to teach the animators how to draw an ape. Why am I the only one fascinated by this? That is the most deliciously absurd thing in the world. If only Andy Serkis, Creature Thespian, had been around during the making of Jurassic Park, he could’ve given the Tyrannosaur humanity and soul.
THE CHANGE-UP: Single poon-hound Ryan Reynolds and married diaper daddy Jason Bateman switch bodies because of a magic piss fountain, and they both learn a valuable lesson: that Ryan Reynolds doesn’t want to bone Jason Bateman’s wife, because she poops, and Jason Bateman doesn’t want to bone Ryan Reynolds’ hook-ups, probably because they poop. Side note: will there ever be a movie in which Leslie Mann DOESN’T poop? Side side note: I’d still do her.
Rotten Tomatoes: 21%
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“It’s Freaky Friday with rape jokes (har har har har har har har har har). Which brings me to my next point: Um, SERIOUSLY, HOLLYWOOD??? A straight-laced dad and a sexually compulsive party dude? That’s your switcheroo? You seriously can’t think of any more complex identities to Freaky–Friday-body-switch than THAT? Because I can. Boom:
A butch lesbian and a less-butch lesbian (“How am I supposed to ride a motorcycle with lip liner on!?”).
A single dad and a pedophile.
A fish and a slightly larger fish.
Antonin Scalia and a hot dog.
The band Radiohead and the band the Dave Matthews Band.
A feral child and the Chairman of the Federal Reserve.
A gift horse and just a regular horse.
A pile of cat bones and my $400.
The screenwriters of The Change-Up and a couple of people with actually good ideas.” –Lindy West, bringing the heat as usual.
“Freaky, yes, but definitely not Freaky Friday.” -Jennie Punter, Globe and Mail [what the f*ck does that even mean?]
“If the trailer for The Change-Up looks bad — and it does — it’s because Universal saved all the jokes for the actual movie.” -Amy Nicholson, BoxOfficeMagazine
‘The Change-Up’ begins with a scene in which a baby projectile-poops into the eyes and mouth of its father. All I have to say is: Genius, and this is just the beginning.” -James Verniere, Boston Herald
ARMCHAIR ANALYSIS: Slight spoiler alert: as soon as Lindy explained that Jason Bateman doesn’t bone anyone in his new body, I lost my desire to see this. The character who spends the first half a movie complaining about his lack of strange poontang and the second half turning up his nose at the mountain of strange, consequence-free poontang falling into his lap has got to go. It’s even worse than body swap.
BELLFLOWER (NY & LA): A love story about a boy and his flame-shooting muscle car, his flame-thrower, and his whiskey-dispensing car devolves into nudity and madness. I don’t know if they had to cut anything from the version I saw at Sundance, but it was pretty damned graphic.
RottenTomatoes: 91%
“I was mostly riveted watching the bizarre action, dizzying character shifts, and unapologetic pyromania. Evan Glodell seems like the type of guy who likes to build cool sh*t just for the sake of building it, and he seems to have built a movie the same way. Flamethrower? Check. Fight scene? Why not. Knife rape? Boy howdy. A ton of respect for his balls-to-wall visions and ability to make them reality, but next time around, I’d love to see him hook up with a writer who can help them make more sense.” –Me.
“It is, without a doubt, a striking debut. But it’s also punishingly distasteful and disjointed almost beyond coherence, a repetitive heap of a film that feels disgorged rather than crafted.” -Keith Phipps, AV Club.
“It is not an easily or immediately digested film, but I am fairly convinced that it’s a special one, and I think writer/director/star/producer/editor Evan Glodell is something of a marvel. ” -Drew McWeeny, Hitfix
“We throw the word “daring” around too often, but that’s what Bellflower is. Glodell took incredible risks as a filmmaker, telling a completely unorthodox story in a wholly audacious manner. (He and the cast took physical risks, too. With no special-effects budget, those flamethrowers and other implements of Jackass-inspired destruction are real.) Even casting himself as Woodrow was gutsy, since the film lives or dies by our affection for that character. If the film had failed, it would have failed spectacularly.” -Eric Snider, Film.com
Armchair Analysis: I would call this an impressive movie and an interesting movie, but not a particularly good one. I can’t tell you I loved it, but I also don’t want to discourage anyone from seeing it, because I’m particularly interested in whatever movie Evan Glodell wants to make next. I think that explains the near-universally positive reviews more so than the movie itself.