Ooh, sports! I know what a couple of these words mean. Apparently, these refer to famous sports moments, that all ended with Cleveland getting screwed. I actually had no idea that Cleveland was on the receiving end for all of these, which makes this a pretty great poster. Man, can you imagine how big of dicks Boston fans would be if they’d been victims of all of these? Something bad happened to Boston in like 1952 and they haven’t stopped whining about it since.
Also, what’s that last one? The lip? The flip? Is there supposed to be an “F” in there? I Googled “the lip Cleveland” and all I got was a bunch of results for collagen and cosmetic fillers.
Basketball — got it. Football — check. Feather… uh… what? Did Cleveland also lose at playing cowboys and Indians? I guess I’ll have to watch to find out.
Wait, 2016? They got the date wrong on this vintage poster, right? I hope that’s the explanation.
“The Bye Bye Man?” This is what happens when you go to the trouble of inventing a really scary bad guy and then let your three-year-old name him.
“Don’t think it, don’t say it.” I think the Bye Bye Man knows he has really long fingers and he’s very self-conscious about it.
I kind of like this diorama-style poster for The Family Fang, which even lines up the actors with their names. (Also, are they Chinese?). But it’s kind of a sad comment on American literacy how small “screenplay by Pulitzer Prize winner David Lindsay-Abaire” is. It’s almost a deliberate in-joke.
Also, has there ever been a good movie that advertised the family’s name in the title? Christmas with the Kranks, Love the Coopers, We’re the Millers, The Family Stone, Meet the Fockers, Meet the Deedles, Johnson Family Vacation… those are never good, right? Maybe if you count The Royal Tenenbaums and The Magnificent Ambersons it goes up to like 10 percent.
Yep, it’s a video game-style poster for Green Room, and it’s pretty great. Looks like the artist spent most of his time on the pit bull, and it was time well spent.
Wait, wait, wait, “thrash metal?” Come on, man, everyone knows it’s about a punk band.
Another great poster, but, uh… is that guy in the jean jacket supposed to be Anton Yelchin? Because he looks more like Bill Bixby right before he turns into the Hulk.
Here’s the stupid Star Wars parody for Key and Peele’s Keanu, which would be great if they hadn’t left the stupid do-rag and vest on the kitten. I hate that stupid do-rag! The kitten doesn’t need a costume! Also, stop mixing costumes! Gah.
See above, re: hat on cat. Also, I know they deliberately swapped the names and faces just to piss me off. By the way, it’d be way easier to remember which guy was which in Key and Peele if it was the bald one who was named Peele. Think about it, guys.
Again with the goddamned hat. I know this shouldn’t bother me as much as it does, but it really bothers me.
Did Colin Firth’s character die at the end of Kingsman? I honestly don’t remember. Also, shouldn’t the scale of the glasses match the scale of the letter/telegram/whatever those words are supposed to be from? Are we reading them off a sidewalk or what? Pick a theme, dammit.
“Coming this Fall… Trenchcoats! Starring Adrien Brody’s strangely shaped butt.”
What in God’s name is going on down there? And why doesn’t their hair get wet in all that rain? Those must be magic trenchcoats. I also enjoy that the lady wasn’t important enough to get her name on the poster. “Starring Adrien Brody and some broad who isn’t important!”
There’s a photographer, and she’s barefoot, and it’s a series about mothers and daughters… nah, I got nothing. Also, who’s harder to recognize in this, Sharon Stone or Selma Blair?
I pretty much always enjoy these hand-drawn style posters, even when they’re for unnecessary sequels that make me silently groan.
Is Neighbors 2 ever going to explain what the hell Zac Efron is still doing there? Did he buy his frat house and become the landlord? Move in with the neighbor family? Infiltrating a sorority? Throw us a bone here.
I’ve heard this is Jerzy Skolimowski’s finest work.
Here’s the first of a big batch of character posters from The Secret Life of Pets. The character design doesn’t look quite as realistic as Zootopia, but it definitely has a style.
So, this one I don’t get. Why was the pet outside? This is a pet bird, right? Pet bird’s don’t usually fly around the neighborhood pooping on cars, in my experience. Was the car parked in the living room? Did the bird escape? DOESN’T ANYONE CARE ABOUT LOGIC ANYMORE?!
Aw, poor Pops. I love the texture on his nose.
This one’s fun, but it’s funny that pugs look way sillier in real life than in this pug caricature. Good old pugs, nature’s clowns. Well, not nature’s, really, but you know what I mean. It’s pretty cool that humans can undo millions of years of evolution and unadapt animals to their environment just for our own amusement. “Haha, look at him wheeze! He’s like a furry little loaf of bread! Jump for the treat, dummy!”
That doesn’t look like the face of a dog who really really missed you, does it? He looks more confused than anything. Did the copy writers and graphic designers even consult each other on these?
Ah, much better. Good ol’ Duke. I know he’s a fictional cartoon, but I’d hug Duke.
Oh man, high school dudes chillin’ on the beach with girls in bikinis? As a Californian, this really speaks to me. Maybe I can watch it and imagine what coming of age would’ve been like if the bikini girls had talked to me and I hadn’t spent my summer working in a packing shed with a guy named Henry. Henry sandblasted my leg one day, true story. No, that’s not a euphemism. Anyway, good times.
I’ll admit, I’m only mildly familiar with the Warcraft world. Does everyone have saber teeth in it? It’s also cool that no matter how rough hewn your barbarian clothes are, they’re always very flattering to the figure. That must be one of the first thing clothes makers learn, proper draping.
This guy’s got a big loop at the end of his sword thingy. You think that’s to hold it onto his belt, or does he try to fit one of those big ol’ sausage fingers in there? Someone who knows about Warcraft explain this to me.
Ooh, cool septum piercing, this guy must be the sensitive indie rocker of the Warcraft world. Wait, is that a triceratops skull he’s carrying? Righteous.
Christ, I know Cyclops is supposed to be pretty, but this seems a little overboard. He looks like he’s modeling lip balm. According to IMDb, that’s Tye Sheridan from Mud, who was actually a shockingly good actor. I guess the hair threw me off. Did they need to give him a country club blow out? He looks like his suit should have a cardigan tied around the neck.
Sansa Stark is an X-Man now?!? And playing Jean Grey, according to IMDb. AKA the lamest X-Man. If I remember correctly, her superpower was being super whiny and emo all the time.
And here’s Nicholas Hoult as Beast, whom we’ve already met. His power is dating Jennifer Lawrence. Ugh, I wish I was a mutant.
This is Kodi Smit-McPhee as Nightcrawler. I really liked the Alan Cumming incarnation of this character, and it feels weird having him played by a guy named “Kodi” with Fall Out Boy bangs. Kodi Smit-McPhee is 19, now, by the way, which is about the oldest a guy named “Kodi” should ever be. I think that’s why the name bothers me so much. It’s really hard for me to imagine a grown man named “Kodi.”
“Hi, I’m Dr. Kodi, I’ll be performing your vasectomy today.” “I understand you need some help with your investments. My name is Kodi, I’ll be guiding you through some options.” “This is your pilot, Kodi speaking…”
With a name like Kodi, you can pretty much only be an actor or a professional snowmobiler. FUN FACT: he makes music under the name “Koda Speks.”
In person, he’s a rangy, laidback, immensely likable kid who spends his spare time making dubstep tracks under the name Koda Spekz.
“Want to listen?” He pulls out his iPhone. “Okay, this one’s called Bass Parade….” [GlobeandMail]
Tight, tight.
Here’s Olivia Munn, whose mutant power is the Serious Dreamworks Face, I believe. I’m kidding, she plays Psylocke and she’s very pretty.
Oh good, Professor X is finally bald and in a wheelchair for this one. That was an exciting build-up, wasn’t it? So climactic! MAKE THE CHARACTER LOOK LIKE I REMEMBER!
Things I’m learning about special powers from these posters: they come from the palm of your hand and they’re usually blue.
Anyone know what’s going on in the background here? Is Magneto making palm magic again?
*teenage Magneto locked in his room* *dad pounding on door*
“MAGNETO! Are you still making palm magic in there? It’s time for school, God damn it!”
Quicksilver looks like he should be part of Seth Green’s gang in Can’t Hardly Wait.
Oh Lord, who is this one now? According to IMDb, this is Ben Hardy as “Angel.” He looks like he should be part of Johnny Utah’s gang of extreme European polyathletes in the Point Break remake. RIP, Chowder.
According to IMDb, that’s Oscar Isaac under there, which makes me happy. Oscar Isaac isn’t even 40 yet and already deserves a lifetime achievement award for bringing the heat every time. I don’t even know what Apocalypse does, but I’m excited to find out. APOCALYPSE ME! APOCALYPSE ME RAW!
Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.