Recently, my boss, Cajun Boy, asked the Gamma Squad crew if we wanted to review Wolverine XXX, the latest porn “parody” from Vivid. Considering my high tolerance for bad filmmaking, I volunteered. Little did I realize what, precisely, I was in for.
I, of course, being a man of taste and virtue, never watch pornography and I’m certainly completely unfamiliar with the concept of erotic fanfiction. But, if I were, I’d say that this is one of the most weirdly unerotic examples of both I’ve seen in my life.
The main problem is that superhero movies require elaborate, carefully designed costumes which this production could not afford, so pretty much everybody looks vaguely ridiculous. To the production’s credit, somebody’s read a few Marvel comics, as in addition to Wolvie, there’s Domino, Sabretooth, Lady Deathstrike, Deadpool, Rogue, Jean Grey, and Spider-Man, for some inexplicable reason. The problem is, they bought official Halloween costumes, so, for example, Sabretooth walking around with gold tights that are making a mighty effort to disappear right up his ass is somewhat distracting.
The production values are uniformly terrible as well; the sound is awful, for example. As in, you’ll be watching “lesbians” going at it and all you can think about is “How long was the royalty free music loop they bought for this? Fifteen seconds?” And for some reason, most of the scenes have a filter slapped on them to resemble a bleach bypass. When used properly, a bleach bypass gives a film a distinct faded coloring that offers a type of style. When used improperly, you learn that it makes genitalia look like lunch meat.
Aside from that, the sex is what you’d expect from a porno. It’s kind of disappointing because a well-done porn parody can be genuinely funny, but this is about as creative as its name. Even the lamest possible gag with Wolverine’s claws being replaced by… well… guess doesn’t make an appearance. It’s basically a bad fan film done by Vivid but let’s face it, the ultimate goal here is to either hoot at this while incredibly drunk or watch it for its intended purpose, so I suppose it manages to achieve those goals.
And if I’m being honest, it’s not the worst thing trying to exploit Wolverine we’ve seen recently. So there’s that.