Convincing your parents to buy a new computer in the 80s and 90s wasn’t as easy as it is today.
“What do you need one of those for?” was the question you were usually confronted with.
The answer, of course, was “I need it for school! Yeah! It’ll help me learn!”
So, in order to back up schoolchildren’s lies and keep the computer industry afloat, an endless array of educational games were churned out in the 80s and 90s. Sure, the occasional piece of edutainment still gets produced today, but it’s nothing like it was — back in the 80s and 90s you really had to search the shelves for a computer game that wasn’t supposed to teach ya some sh-t.
Most of these games are almost entirely forgotten today. Some say good riddance, but I wonder, is there still something of value to be gained from these relics of the “learning can be fun!” era? That’s what I’m going to find out with this series. Each week (or whenever I feel like) I’m going to take you all on a ride with me — a ride of discovery — as I play a classic era educational game and then report what I learn.
The first game I’m tackling is “Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?” I’ll admit I mostly chose it because of residual good feelings created by the PBS kids show. Sadly Rockapella and the Chief lady from Law and Order are nowhere in the actual game. Too bad, I was hoping for a rocking MIDI-version of “Zombie Jamboree”.
They can find anyone anywhere in the world, but they can’t empty a garbage can.
So you start the game on this screen, and I’ve got to say, Acme Headquarters are looking a bit drab and run down. They’ve got access to a time machine, but can’t find the money to plaster their walls? Come on now.
As you can see, you have access to various floors from this elevator, which had me moderately psyched. You can explore all over Acme headquarters? They didn’t have to put that in. That’s really going above and beyond!
This is life kids. Soak it in.
Or not. This is what happens when you go the “Lounge”. You place your cup in a coffee machine, it promptly falls over and coffee pours all over the side of the cup. That’s it. That’s all that happens. Just an inspiring little message from the developers of the game…
“You think being a time traveling Acme agent would be fun kids? Forget it. It’d just be a job by the end of the week. Every day you’d haul yourself in — the only thing keeping you going being the promise of a steaming cup of terrible vending machine coffee — but you wouldn’t even be allowed that. No, your cup would fall over and the machine would pour your coffee all over the floor. That’s life kids. Those are your dreams on that floor.”
You know you’re not fooling anyone when you call it “coffee”, right?
You can also visit the “Lab” which treats you to an animation of a beaker exploding with the above caption. “Coffee” huh? I’ve heard tell of a stimulating explosive substance cooked up in tubes and beakers, and it sure as hell isn’t called coffee. So that’s how this place can afford a time machine.
Heh…Jack Goff.
Time to go to personnel, where this off-putting pig-nosed lady confronts you. In a nice touch, the usual “Enter Your Name” form is actually a liability form. Yes, in the games Carmen Sandiego and associates have no trouble straight up killing your ass apparently.
No…NO…NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
So, here’s the crime I have to solve! What’s been stolen? The Taj Mahal? The Queen’s jewels?
Ah, oh…some guy’s leg? A master criminal felt the need to employ time travel just to steal some dude’s prosthetic? I mean sure, it’s a dick move and all, but it’s not going to get your name in the Big Book of History’s Greatest Villains or anything. I mean, is this Peter guy not having this specific wooden leg going to radically change the course of history?
Well, I guess if nothing cooler’s been stolen, we’ll go with this…
Well at least this filthy criminal has a healthy interest in the early roots of democracy.
The game is played like most other Carmen Sandiego games — you follow the trail of evidence to different parts of the world in pursuit of the bad guy. The only difference is this time you also go to a specific time period — so instead of just going to England, you may have to go to 17th century England, or early 20th century England.
Why aren’t favorite artist and author on driver’s licenses? Talk about an oversight.
You also have to collect clues to narrow down who the culprit is. So we’ve got, sex, eye color and hair color — as well as favorite author and artist, which apparently count as admissible evidence in the world of Carmen Sandiego.
“Yes your honor, my client meets the description provided by witnesses, the knife was found in his trunk and he was captured, naked and covered in blood, a block from the crime scene, but, and this is important, he’s really more of a Van Gogh fan.”
“But according to forensics the man who committed this murder was a Picasso guy!”
“Exactly.”
“Case dismissed.”
So uh, what…her hair is the same color as the largest moon of Saturn?
I would have been completely baffled by this game as a kid. Titian-colored? Even as an adult I had no idea what that meant. I had to close the game and Google it, and discovered even the Internet had no clue. After 10-minutes of research I finally found out there was an artist named Titian who had kind of a red-tint to his paintings, so, apparently, it refers to red hair. How in the flying f–k would some kid in the 80s know that?
Fascinating.
The game also really likes to pile on the obscure, totally out of context historical facts.
Ah, the Sepoy Rebellion you say. Fat greased weapons you say. Right, of course. Into the ol’ mental recycling bin you go fact!
Bwaaaah?
So um, hmmm. When you’ve the chosen the correct time and location, a little animated bad guy will pop onto your screen to show you you’re on the right path, and well, there’s really no other way to say this — some of them are kinda ridiculously racist.
“Yellow! He needs to be MORE YELLOW!”
What the hell? World War II anti-Japanese propaganda cartoons didn’t feature Asian caricatures this over the top. It seems particularly out of place in a series that’s, you know, supposed to be all about teaching kids about the world around them.
“That’s right, learn the names of all the countries in Asia well son. That way you’ll never accidentally get on a plane to any of those horrible horrible places.”
She’s a bad girl with a taste for wooden legs.
Anywho, first game I played I narrowed the culprit down to Lynn Gweeny, and I dunno, I found it hard to work up much of a hate for her. Why has this humble deli-owner turned to a life of crime? “Lot O’Bologna” sounds more like the name of a brothel than a delicatessen — is she just trying to escape a life of prostitution? I sense poor Lynn has had it rough — you can see a lifetime of heartache and toil in the lines on her face. I almost feel sorry for her.
But then I remember that this monster stole a wooden leg. Sorry Lynn, that’s one crime society simply cannot forgive — you’re going down bitch.
So, finally I catch up with the leg-stealing harpy, which means it’s time to deploy the criminal capture robot! Just when I was starting to get down on this game, they go and give me a criminal catching robot.
Raining death from above…the best part of educational gaming.
So, the robot catches Lynn Gweeny and metes out the appropriate punishment given the gravity of her crime — instant disintegration. Justice prevails! Hit it Rockapella!
What “Where in the Time is Carmen Sandiego” Taught Me
– Meth is a great way to keep energized as you travel through time and around the world.
– Peter Stuyvesant’s wooden leg is the most goddamn important wooden leg in history.
– If you’re planning to commit any crimes in the future, do not, under any circumstances, let anybody know what your favorite books and paintings are.
– The Sepoy Rebellion uh, happened in India I think and um…something about fat guys greasing their guns and…oh f–k it.
– Learning the geographical location of a country and dry, out of context facts about its history is great — just stay away from the slant-eyed monsters that live there.
– There will be no redemption for you if you open a deli/whorehouse called “Lot O’Bologna”.