Social media is dark and full of terrors spoilers. To avoid spoiling the fun for fans on the west coast and those who have to wait to beg, borrow, or steal an HBO Go password, this season I”m confining my stream-of-consciousness thoughts to this liveblog. Follow along or flee in fear. Here there be spoilers! Catch up on Episode Four, 'Book of the Stranger' over here.
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[9:00PM EDT] – Previously on 'Game of Thrones,' all the women (and Tyrion) grab power by the throat and don't let go. Also, Jorah is still turning into Budget Hulk™.
[9:04PM EDT] – Watching Sansa Stark sitting in her room sewing, only to have her man bring her secret news, is a glimpse of the Machiavellian woman she will no doubt to grow into to. I doubt Littlefinger realizes exactly what he has created. A deadly tactical error.
[9:09PM EDT] – Littlefinger better be shaking in his fancy boots and thanking the Seven that his entrails aren't decorating Mole's Town. But in happier news, The Blackfish is returning to the fray! Perhaps to help Lady Sansa kill some Freys. Because man do they need killing.
[9:11PM EDT] – Everyone shut up, we're talking about Old Valyria! “The Many-Faced God” taught them how to shed their face. And then they founded Braavos after the fall? I love lore so much, you guys.
[9:14PM EDT] – Arya thinks she's no one, but she is still a Stark. No one makes fun of her father and lives to tell the tale. The Faceless Men sent her out here to remind her who she was. It's fascinating to see how the smallfolk see the events we've witnessed play out.
[9:18PM EDT] – More flashbacks! Honestly, we could just have a whole show that is nothing but this and I'd be happy. My God, that's a big weirwood tree. Do you think it's the one that now lies in Winterfell? Oh hell, the Children of the Forest just created a white walker with dragon glass!??!?!?!
[9:22PM EDT] – For the first time in his life, Theon got it right on the first try. Yara deserves this. But no. Of course, Euron is gonna claim it. He didn't come all the way from the other side of the world and kill his brother NOT to take the throne.
[9:26PM EDT] – I wonder if dragons enjoy humans dipped in brine. Because if Euron thinks he'll fare better than Quentyn did in the books, I've got bad news for you friend. I still am creeped out that Drowned God baptism requires you to ACTUALLY drown.
[9:29PM EDT] – “They stole our best ships.” “BLOODY PIRATES!!”
[9:31PM EDT] – This scene between Jorah and Dany would be more emotional if I cared about either of these characters. But hey, if this leads to more lore about how Greyscale works, then I'm on board.
[9:35PM EDT] – Oh my God. Now one priestess of R'hllor believes Jon Snow is Azor Ahai and now one priestess believes Dany is Azor Ahai. The song of ICE and FIRE takes on yet another layer.
[9:39PM EDT] – Bran trying to wake up the Three-Eyed crow by chucking bones at him is the first time I've laughed out loud at this show in a while.
[9:40PM EDT] – So not the weirwood tree at Winterfell then. It's the heart of the Night's King domain. The Land of Always Winter wasn't always winter.
[9:41PM EDT] – Bran screwed up. He screwed up so bad. NOOOOO, Bran can't leave. We haven't seen the end of the Tower of Joy scene yet. BRAN HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?
[9:43PM EDT] – Stannis would be rolling in his grave if he knew all that training he gave Davos was being used to help Jon Snow become the king of the North. Brienne understands Jon has earned that brooding.
[9:47PM EDT] – Tell me I've been watching too much of this show and they aren't implying that Sansa should marry Jon to legitimize him.
[9:48PM EDT] – They bring winter with them. Suddenly the Long Night goes from an environmental problem to a magical one.
[9:52PM EDT] – I hope Bran can fix Hodor one of these times when he wargs into him. Or at least can figure out why all he can say is Hodor. Oh my God, Summer!? Summer no!!! We're losing direwolves like flies. This is not okay. Wait, Bran didn't warg into Hodor? Then what made him get up and why did his eyes get all weird?
[9:56PM EDT] – HOLD THE DOOR. Oh my God, time is a flat circle. Hodor is Hodor because Bran saw Hodor in the past and it turned him into Hodor.
[9:58PM EDT] – I'm not crying because Hodor spent his entire life messed up because Bran mess up. YOU'RE CRYING.
I'm gonna go get it together. See y'all next week.