Social media is dark and full of terrors spoilers. To avoid spoiling the fun for fans on the west coast and those who have to wait to beg, borrow, or steal an HBO Go password, this season I”m confining my stream-of-consciousness thoughts to this liveblog. Follow along or flee in fear. Here there be spoilers! Catch up on Episode Eight, 'No One,' over here.
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[8:58PM EDT] – I'm very excited about tonight's episode of “Game of Thrones” but dude does “Westworld” look amazing or what? It's a malfunctioning holodeck cranked up to 11.
[9:00PM EDT] – Tonight Davos must find out what happens to Shireen. Tonight the fragile peace between the onion knight and Melisandre shatters. Tonight we find out if Brienne lied about killing Stannis???
[9:04PM EDT] – Um, excuse me? We were promised a battle of bastards, not more Meereen politicking. Though if it frees the other two dragons, fine. Kind of hoping Dany throws Tyrion into the dragon pit and the boys are like “Mom, no. This is our best friend.”
[9:06PM EDT] – Okay Tyrion, maybe it's time to pull Dany down a peg. She's getting a little Hitler on us here. Or a little Targaryen, I guess. But seriously, we have THREE DRAGONS. Why are we talking to these idiots.
[9:08PM EDT] – Why do people always forget she has dragons? They always forget, and let themselves out into the open. But Drogon is hogging all the spotlight. Let Viserion and Rhaegal have a turn, FFS. Talk about showing favoritism, MOM.
[9:09PM EDT] – Look at that! The boys had to bust out of prison like the bloody Kool-Aid man. Dany couldn't even take five minutes to let them go before treating with the enemy?
[9:12PM EDT] – I really feel like the other dragons should be more petulant but whatever, at least that's over. ON TO THE MAIN EVENT. Let's watch these bastards battle. Oh God, brain stop it. Why am I shipping Jon and Sansa still? Make it stop!!
[9:15PM EDT] – Lady Lyanna's face. Oh my God, I wish my disdain was as Grade A as her. Of course Jon suggested doing things the old way, the way of the Northern lords. There is no way in hell in Ramsay is stupid enough to fall for that. Ramsay has six thousand men…for now.
[9:16PM EDT] – I'm just gonna say it. That's a little small for a direwolf head. Even Sansa isn't impressed. Ramsay is very used to terrifying people with his threat of dogs, but these men have seen a night dark and full of terrors.
[9:20PM EDT] – Jon is at least willing to listen Sansa, which is more than Rob ever did with Catelyn. But Sansa is right, Rickon is as good as dead. Honestly, he might already be dead. Please let this fighting not end the way any other fight between hot-blooded young folk would end. Or do. I AM A MONSTER.
[9:23PM EDT] – Tormund was 100% willing to believe in demons, so yeah. He's probably not afraid of Ramsay Bolton. But with all this belief in the supernatural, has anyone thought to ask the Red Witch if she has anything to offer?
[9:25PM EDT] – Thank you Jon, at least you're trying to use all your resources…or wasting them. Melisandre is still suffering from a crisis of faith, but is on the mend. Now if she could bring some shadow babies into the world, it's a good time as any. Oh man, talk about some religious cynicism. “What kind of god would do something like that?” “The one we've got.”
[9:27PM EDT] – No. No no no no. He didn't just find the toy. He found her BODY. I didn't even think about how there would be no one to remove the pyre in the after effects. No nononononono.
[9:28PM EDT] – No one cares about Meereen. Oh my God. Go back to Winterfell.
[9:31PM EDT] – Okay fine, I'm digging the Yara and Dany dynamic. Yara seems to pulling Dany back from the brink of dictatorship. Tyrion grabbed her from the edge, but she'll need more allies to keep from tipping over into full-on Mad Queen.
[9:32PM EDT] – Dany. Yara. Sansa. Maybe Arianne eventually. “Game of Thrones” is really driving home this idea that women are dismantling the patriarchy by force in Westeros.
[9:34PM EDT] – Anyone else nervous? I'm so nervous. What's going to happen!? I don't have the foresight afforded by reading the books. Anything is possible. That's a lot of archers. It feels like a lot. Does anyone else wish we had more giants? Oh God. Here we go.
[9:37PM EDT] – Rickon no. You've got to zig zag! Don't just run in a straight line or THAT HAPPENS!
[9:40PM EDT] – Jon Snow don't care. Jon snow will fight in the shade if you murder his brother in front of him. He is his father (and uncle's) son. He will take on your whole armor for the honor of the thing. But suddnely, REINCORCMENTS.
[9:42PM EDT] – This battle is insane. I can't believe how they managed to capture the chaotic nature close up like this. A testament to everyone who worked on this episode. Holy hell!
[9:44PM EDT] – Waiting for Sansa and LIttlefinger, to be honest.
[9:50PM EDT] – And there they are. A little late, but thank the old gods and the new. Sansa wasn't kidding when she said never again. Please let them be in time to save Wun Wun, last of the giants.
[9:51PM EDT] – Now would be a great time for Ghost to show up and chase Ramsay down and RIP OUT HIS THROAT.
[9:52PM EDT] – Oh nooooo! Wun Wun can't die now. He lasted so long. Truly an age is over. Ramsy Bolton is the worst human to ever walk the earth.
[9:55PM EDT] – The Starks have Winterfell again. But at what cost? Bran is technically the heir now, but with his other duties to the world, you know Winterfell will fall to Sansa. (And she'll need a husband like Jon).
[9:57PM EDT] – Ghost GhostGhost Ghost? No, Ramsay's dogs. Sansa is going to watch. She deserves this vengeance. Oh but her smile as she walks away. Perfection.
See you guys next week for the SEASON FINALE!