Social media is dark and full of terrors spoilers. To avoid spoiling the fun for fans on the west coast and those who have to wait to beg, borrow, or steal an HBO Go password, this season I”m confining my stream-of-consciousness thoughts to this liveblog. Follow along or flee in fear. Here there be spoilers!
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[8:49PM EDT] – We've got approximately 10 minutes. Get your snacks, use the bathroom, grab your loved ones and/or stuffed animals and let's get ready to go back to Westeros! Fellow Book Club fans, we're off the map. Hold me, I'm scared!
[9:01PM EDT] – IT IS NOW ONE MINUTE PAST. WHERE IS OUR SHOW, HBO? No one cares about your other shows, Gawd!
[9:06 PM EDT] – Previously on “Game of Thrones,” Reek was finally useful, Melisandre made a terrible mistake, Stannis probably died, the Stone Men got more screen time than they ever did in the books, Dany done goofed in thinking Drogon could be controlled, Tyrion finally found a place his intelligence will be appreciated, Myrcella died and took the best of Westerosi fashion with her (sorry Margaery), Arya went blind (please old gods and the new let her warg into Nymeria), Cersei leveled up her zombie guard, and Jon Snow faked his own death (what, fight me if you think otherwise).
[9:10PM EDT] – We begin where we ended. With the audiences' heart ripped out and in the snow. Our puppy is actually “talking” to Ghost. It'd be cute if it weren't awful.
[9:11PM EDT] – Davos, the one person in all of the North who personally knows (and hates) someone who can resurrect the dead, finds Jon Snow's body. HOW CONVENIENT. Speak of the devil, and she shall appear.
[9:14PM EDT] – Of all the plays Thorne could've gone with, “Yep I did it, I'm an asshole” was not the one I would've put my money on. Ohhhhh, he's playing on the Wilding racism card.
[9:16PM EDT] – HAHAHA, Ramsay Bolton is trying to feel human feelings. No.
[9:19PM EDT] – These two have some stamina for a half-maimed man and noble lady. Fear of Ramsay is the best motivator. Wait, is that a waterfall? Are we going to have a “Fugitive” moment!? Oh my God, suck it up Sansa. Update: No Fugitive moment. :(
[9:21PM EDT] – That hug for warmth is first bit of love either of those characters have seen since the Ned Stark lived.
[9:23PM EDT] – BRIENNNNNNNNNEEEEE!!!!!!
[9:24PM EDT] – Pod is a good squire. Will Theon get a moment to remember who is was before this hell? Yes. Yes, he will.
[9:25PM EDT] – Listening to Sansa repeat the words that bind a lord to a knight is making me a little verklempt. Catelyn would be so proud, you guys.
[9:26PM EDT] – Oh shit, this isn't gonna end well. Jaime, run.
[9:29PM EDT] – Scenes like this are why I still relate to Cersei, despite all her rage and vanity. She is a good mother, even if she's based her entire life on something a woods' witch said when she was a girl. Though all this talk of prophecy is a nice beginning layer for the “Dragon has three heads.” I'm on to you, HBO.
[9:31PM EDT] – Still waiting for that Septa to get hers. That witch.
[9:32PM EDT] – Good job, High Sparrow. You just gave Margaery the seeds of a plan. All she has to do is play the repentant sinner. It's not the first false face she'll wear, and it won't be the last.
[9:34PM EDT] – WHAT!? WHAT!? DORAN NO! MOTHERF–ER!!
[9:35PM EDT] – This is character assassination of like FOUR people. Doran, Ellarria, Trystane, and the NON-EXISTANT ARIANNE.
[9:37PM EDT] – Meereen is messed up place when a beggar lady literally believes the rich would want to eat her baby.
[9:40PM EDT] – Every boat in the harbor? Was it Dothraki, Dragons, or Greyjoys?
[9:41PM EDT] – Fan theory tangent. If the White Walkers make more ice zombies with humans, could Dragons (or Dragonkin) make more of their kind out of humans as well? Perhaps the Grey Men?
[9:42PM EDT] – Jorah's superpower is being a Dany' divening rod I mean, that field is huge and he walked right to that ring.
[9:43PM EDT] – Oh God, they don't know who she is or that she can understand them. OR THAT SHE HAS A GIANT ANGRY TEENAGER that can breathe fire.
[9:35PM EDT] – Dothraki having surprisingly good comedic timing. More like this.
[9:48PM EDT] – Called it. They're gonna try and take her to Dosh Khaleen. Good luck with that.
[9:50PM EDT] – Now would be a great time for Arya to “cheat” by warging into a nearby animal. They can't NOT do that storyline, right?
[9:51PM EDT] – Let's get ready for a RESURECTIONNNNNnnnNNNnnnnNNNN!
[9:53PM EDT] – Just do it, writers. You know you're gonna do it. Let's not draw this out unnecessarily.
[9:54PM EDT] – We almost got through a WHOLE EPISODE without boobs. Try again next week. Do you think if she eventually gets old enough and takes off the choker, she'll just instantly turn to dust?
[9:56PM EDT] – Well that…was a weird note to end it on…FOUR MINUTES EARLY. After starting late. Don't you think you can shortchange us time and we won't notice, HBO.
See you all again next week!