Bless Kathy Griffin for (reportedly) stepping into Joan Rivers' staggering heels and (allegedly) taking her place on E!'s “Fashion Police.” I hope they work out some sort of Writers Guild deal that treats everyone fairly, because I don't want Kathy to represent the same disrespect for underlings that unfortunately still bothers me about Joan. Kathy's an icon all her own; hope she can use her longstanding relationship with the E! network to make sure all the writers get their due.
One of my favorite Kathy Griffin quotes comes from her standup in the mid 2000s. Verse and passage, here it is:
“I can never understand in the real world, when they say 'If you have something to say to me, you need to say it to my face!' I'd rather wait until you left the room. It's more freeing for me and I can be funnier, so can you move it along?”
It perfectly describes the reason she's so good at mocking celebrities; she relishes in saying what they can't handle hearing or knowing about themselves. So to celebrate her (potential) new post as a Professional Celebrity Snarker on E!, let's pick her 10 most damning celebrity insults.
10. Whitney Houston
“She's wearing an overcoat with a fur collar and a fedora. And with her sweating issues, that was not smart. By the end of the song, she's gonna be a puddle in a hat.”
9. Andre Agassi
“I remember a conversation Andre and I had where he said he didn't enjoy tennis anymore. Instead, he was golfing obsessively. 'If it were up to me, I would just golf all the time,' he said. I thought, Well, you're not that good at it, apparently. There's a thing called a racquet you might want to pick up. You seem to be good with it.”
8. Dr. Phil
“How about on 'Dr. Phil' when he talks about how hot he is? 'Well, don't mind me – I'm just a jock!' What bald guy, fat-ass team are you on, Phil?”
7. Tommy Lee
“I saw Tommy Lee at an award show two weeks ago, and I got crabs just from looking at him.”
6. Paris Hilton
In real life, she's always talking on that sparkly pink mobile phone. I think that if I took that phone from her and listened in, I'd hear “At the third stroke, the time will be…”
5. Macy Gray
“Is there anything more charming than a grown woman with a baby voice? I'm hard just thinking about it.”
4. Angelina Jolie
“Her lips look like an inflamed anus.”
3. Britney Spears
“If you're going to go on the Video Music Awards and lip sync your new hit with crazy dirty hair extensions and not know the dance moves, Bingo! You're in the act! I can hear it now, 'You can't make fun of her. She's a mom!' Really? Well, can I make fun of someone who barely appears to be conscious most of the time?”
2. Farrah Fawcett
“The problem with [Farrah Fawcett's reality show] 'Chasing Farrah' is you catch her and realize she's just a dumb drug addict.”
1. Jesus
(Upon winning her first Emmy): “Now, look. A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Milan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is suck it, Jesus, this award is my God now.”