Quick Look: Meeting (most of) the new cast of ‘Celebrity Rehab’

First up, we meet the Long Island Lolita, who now looks a bit more like the Long Island Cougar, but that isn”t as catchy. It seems that every season we get at least one porn star, and this time around it”s Amy. Slathered in gobs of make-up and glassy-eyed, she reveals that she has to drink to shoot porn, and yet she has a wonderful husband and three kids. What? I hope porn pays well enough to cover lifetime therapy for the kids, but mostly I”m interested in finding out more about this “wonderful” husband. Most husbands don”t really love sending you off to work in the morning with a bottle of Jack so you can blot out the horror of your workday, so this should be interesting. But we won”t be getting to that for a while, because Amy wants to bitch about the media and the paparazzi and how she was unfairly portrayed as a seductress during her trial. Funny, I don”t think the paparazzi or the media SHOT A WOMAN IN THE HEAD, but Amy seems to be glossing over that little detail. Oh, Amy.

Jeremy Jackson was a cute little kid on “Baywatch” and currently seems to have very aggressive eyebrows. And no neck, since he”s taking enough steroids, testosterone, horse tranqs and weird stuff I”ve never heard of that could, well, kill a horse or at least slow it down and make it angry. Dr. Drew seems thoroughly freaked out as Jackson lists the stuff he”s taking, which sounds like a shopping list for the local pharmacy in hell. Dr. Drew tells us Jeremy is a hardcore addict, even though (prior to his body building regimen) he was clean for ten years, but that sounds about right.

Sean Young

I”m actually a little relieved to know Sean Young is an alcoholic, because that story about her walking onto the Warner Bros. lot dressed as Cat Woman and demanding the role always made her sound plumb crazy, so knowing booze played a role is a huge improvement. Anyway, she doesn”t seem fully committed to the whole rehab thing, which makes me think she might be both a little crazy and a heavy drinker, which doesn”t seem like a great combination for getting sober.

Bai was a good actress who somehow became a punchline and thinks she”s from the moon. I”m not making up that last part, by the way. Bai starts crying before she even makes it in the door. Bai is allergic to alcohol and yet is an alcoholic. That”s what I call dedication. Bai is a mess, but she seems to have a good idea as to why she”s a mess, so, oddly enough, that probably bodes well for her.

I thought this show was “Celebrity Rehab,” not “My Daughter”s A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” or something. The relatives of celebrities casting really kicked off last year with Frankie Lons (mom of Keyshia Cole), but I guess it”s just getting harder and harder to find anyone willing to do this show. Michael seems like a very articulate guy whom I wouldn”t trust farther than I could toss, but Dr. Drew seems to think he”s all kinds of awesome, which just makes me doubt Dr. Drew.

Hey, Steven”s back! This would be a lot more fun if this wasn”t a show about rehab, as you don”t really want to see any previous cast members making a return appearance since that means they”ve fallen off the wagon and aren”t likely to be much fun in any case. Anyway, Steven”s back and Jennifer Gimenez, who was Adler”s house mom on “Sober House” and is now one of the in-house technicians on “Celebrity Rehab” completely freaks out. He physically abused her! She had bruises! He”s a monster! I”m not saying she”s wrong, but on “Sober House” Gimenez was always a massively annoying drama queen and I”d kind of like it if she just quit now so she doesn”t burst into tears or start screaming expletives whenever Adler walks down the hallway.

So, it’s another motley crew in residence at “Celebrity Rehab,” though it’s hard to know who’s going to be a problem child (easy guess: all of them) as Dr. Drew tries to work his Clark Kent magic on all of them. What do you think of the new season so far?