It’s the big finale of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” and that also means the big finale for Adrienne Maloof. As we know, not only is she not returning next season, she didn’t even bother to go to the show reunion. I guess that means that the reunion will be like what most of this season has already been — lots of people fighting on her behalf, talking behind her back, and generally making her the center of attention even though she isn’t there. I can’t say I’m sorry to see Adrienne go. I’m just hoping that means everyone can stop yapping about her.
Speaking of yapping, last week Faye managed to insert herself into a conversation between Yolanda, Marisa and Brandi that had absolutely nothing to do with her, then turn it into yet ANOTHER opportunity to defend Adrienne’s honor, then take nasty swipes at Brandi’s character. If I were Lisa, I’d go over to Kyle, pinch her arm really hard, and ask her where she gets off bringing Faye to my vow renewal. As we know, Lisa is besties with Brandi, so the only thing worse would be Kyle dragging over, say, a pit bull with designs on Giggy’s bare, boney butt.
Finally, Brandi manages to extricate herself from the ridiculous conversation with Faye, then her friend Jennifer brings Marisa back over so that she, Brandi and Yolanda can actually finish the conversation Faye managed to turn into a Brandi hatepalooza. Brandi asks Marisa who at Adrienne’s party said that she’d have sex with married men. Oh, that would be Faye. You know, Brandi, the one who attacks you for gossiping behind Adrienne’s back? And says that makes you low class? Yeah, her.
Being a hypocrite, Faye decides to tell Lisa what’s on her mind. At Lisa’s house. Knowing that Lisa is Brandi’s best friend. And what does Faye say? That Brandi is Lisa’s puppet, of course. Lisa, who has an impressive ability to stand up for herself without ever raising her voice, tells Faye that she’s insulted.
And then, shockingly, Faye… backpedals. Sort of. I mean, she doesn’t apologize. I think she could run over a bunch of kids in the middle of a crosswalk and she’d somehow make it about the fluorescent strips on their backpacks ruining her vision. No, she informs Lisa that she’d never insult her. Quelle horreur! Lisa informs her, again, that she’s insulted. Just because Faye says she shouldn’t be doesn’t mean she isn’t, duh.
Sensing blood in the water, Brandi, Marisa, Yolanda and Jennifer tiptoe over to see if Lisa can take down the blonde, Botoxe predator in their midst. I would love to see Yolanda and Lisa become lawyers or maybe glamorous Marvel superheroes, because they calmly tear into Faye without breaking a sweat. Yolanda informs Faye that, even though she condemns Lisa for recruiting Brandi to fight her battles, she seems to do the same thing on Kyle’s behalf. Zing! Faye denies and denies, but eventually the pressure gets to her.
“This is super boring,” she says, sounding like a pouty teenager. Brandi suggests she leave. Faye isn’t leaving! No, she wants to stick around and make sure EVERYONE is miserable, including her host. Because she’s a classy lady!
Meanwhile, Kyle and Kim have tiptoed to the sidelines of the fight, hoping to casually observe and possibly eat popcorn if it’s really good. Lisa decides it’s a prime time to see if Kyle, who so badly wants to “save” their friendship, is willing to back her up against Faye. Again, she informs Madame Crazypants that she’s insulted her, and in her own home. Kyle says… nothing helpful.
Kyle blandly suggests that Faye and Brandi have never gotten along very well, as if this explains something. It doesn’t, of course. Brandi hardly knows Faye, and Faye has been gunning for her from the get-go. You know, on Adrienne’s behalf. Not that she’s Adrienne’s puppet. Or Kyle’s. She just fights on behalf of good people! Who can write her good checks to nail turtle shells to their walls!
Faye stomps out of the clutch of women, trying to pretend she isn’t leaving with her tail tucked between her legs. Meanwhile Kyle, who wants to stay neutral but loves the sound of her own voice too much to shut up, starts blabbing on and on about how Faye is just defending Adrienne. This upsets Kim, who feels Kyle is dismissing the fact that Brandi attacked her first. This is really just an argument about Kim still being mad at Kyle for calling her a drunk on national TV, but if it makes her feel better to complain about her pain not being as memorable as Adrienne’s, fine.
Kyle and Kim argue and argue and I can’t help but wonder where Faye is. Doesn’t she want to get involved? Maybe she can call Kim a drunk, too! I wonder if she’s found someone else to pick on. Maybe she’s flicking grapes at Giggy.
Elsewhere, Taylor asks her friend Linda if it’s okay for her to be friends with Yolanda, given that Linda had an acrimonious divorce from Yolanda’s current husband. Linda looks at Taylor like she’s stupid and says of course it’s okay. I think someone should tell Taylor not to worry about it, as she’s probably getting canned from the show and will soon be living in Bakersfield and working at a Denny’s.
Pandora and Jason are having their one-year anniversary, but don’t want to steal any of the spotlight from Lisa and Ken. Well, no, of course not. Faye’s got that covered.
Then, the big moment we’ve all been waiting for… Adrienne arrives! Kyle is immediately weepy just upon seeing her beloved Adrienne. Seriously, you’d think the Pope had shown up gasping his last breath or something. Kyle and Kim lead a weeping Adrienne to the sofa as if she’s a stabbing victim. She’s been served with papers just that evening, and she just can’t face being away from her children. “They’re her life!” she wails to a bunch of women who are not, in fact, her children.
Lisa and Ken are a bit put out, seeing that Adrienne walks into the party, ignores them, never apologizes for being late, and kind of ruins what is, yes, a VOW RENEWAL. It’s like walking into a strip club and handing out grade school yearbook photos or something.
Meanwhile, Adrienne is offended that Lisa and Ken don’t rush over to offer their sympathies. Because they’re all so close, after all, after Adrienne accused Lisa of selling stories to the tabloids.
Of course, the party continues on, and guess what everyone’s talking about? Adrienne! Yolanda thinks the girls would have rallied around Adrienne if she’d let them, but Marisa thinks she just doesn’t like conflict. “If you don’t like fighting you don’t instigate fights,” Yolanda points out. I love Yolanda. Marisa, on the other hand, agrees with anything anyone says, always. I’ve seen more spine in mitochondria.
Yolanda also wonders if it’s a little weird of Adrienne to show up after three months’ absence at a party the day she’s been served. “The day you separate from your husband is a good day to stay home,” she says in yet another display of logic and common sense. Really, Yolanda may be crazy in her own special way, but her ability to just cut through the crap of the other women is just lovely.
After a while, Brandi finds Lisa in her closet. Which is bigger than most apartments, so it’s not as bad as it sounds. Lisa is feeling down. She just doesn’t feel great about renewing her vows now that Faye and Adrienne have crapped all over her party. Brandi tells Lisa she’d better do it, or she will. “You have to think about our boyfriend. Ken is gonna die soon!” Lisa laughs. Only Brandi could tell her she’s going to be widowed before she knows it and get a giggle out of Lisa.
Finally, Father Greg takes the stage. He invites Lisa and Ken to join him. Ken brings Giggy, because that dog cannot be left unattended for a single minute ever. Ken says that what he said at their previous nuptials still stands. “I will obey you. Again.” He also makes a point that I’m guessing will go right over the heads of the assembled housewives, especially Kyle. “You are the most honest, loyal and reliable person I know.” Hint, hint, backstabbers!
Next (after the exchange of Giggy, who is cuddlier than a ring, I guess), Lisa gets all weepy. When they married, she had all kinds of hopes and dreams. “You have managed to fulfill most of those hopes and dreams. So you can go now,” she jokes. Their vows are renewed, they do a shout-out to Brandi, and it’s all very sweet.
And then I notice Faye, right up front. Seriously? Why didn’t she leave before the vows? I guess that would have given Brandi a win, and God knows that can’t happen. I hope Brandi didn’t want to stay and flirt with the caterers, or they’d have to stick Faye in a dumpster to wheel her out.
At the end of the episode, we get updates. These might have made more impact in the days before TMZ, but whatever.
Lisa’s on “Dancing with the Stars.” We knew that. We also know she won’t press up against her partner, so I think Ken has nothing to worry about.
Kyle’s store is thriving… down the street from Lisa’s restaurant. They can meet for lunch! Not!
Yolanda has Lyme disease. It did not come from her lemon trees.
Adrienne and Paul have moved on. He’s dating a 27-year-old former Miss Nevada, and she’s dating Rod Stewart’s 32-year-old son. Apparently they got “I need to be close to my children” confused with “I need to be close to dates who could be my child.” Totally understandable.
Taylor is dating her not-quite-divorced attorney friend. She knows how to pick ’em!
Brandi had a big 40th birthday party at Sur. She’s presumably continuing to have lots of sex.
Kim and Kyle were on a diving show. They bonded more than they ever have. Well, at least there was some upside to that belly flop of a Fox special.
So, that’s it. Except for the reunion shows, which will go on and on long past the point of being productive. There will be lots of fighting, but no Adrienne. But why should they be any different than the rest of the season?
Are you going to miss Adrienne? Do you think Faye needs to shut up and go away? Do you think Kyle should have stood up for Lisa?