Recap: ‘Dancing with the Stars’ Results – Down to the Final Four

It”s time for the final five to become the final four, and I”m putting my money on Romeo. Yes, Ralph received the lowest scores from the judges, but Ralph has the advantage of not plugging some stupid movie or album or whatever the hell anytime a microphone gets stuck in his face. Sure, Ralph may not have a movie or an album to promote right now, but you know what? I don”t know, because he hasn”t been FLOGGING anything. Romeo makes me feel like I”m watching the infomercial version of “DWTS,” so I really don”t care if he does a decent cha cha. I TiVo through the commercials for a reason, dammit.

 

[Full recap of Tuesday’s (May 10) “Dancing with the Stars” results after the break…]

 

Anyway, let”s get this pointlessly long party started. Len requests Kirstie and Maks repeat their smoldering Argentine tango. Is it wrong to say they”re a cute couple? Yes, Kirstie”s 60 friggin” years old, but she has the hair extensions of a much younger woman.

 

So, the first couples on the block are Kirstie & Maks and Hines & Kym. Kym compliments Hines on his booty. And she wants a ring on her finger if they win the mirror ball. Hines just laughs. Chad Ochocinco and his baubles ruined it for everyone.

 

Oh yay, they”ve dragged out the old Dance Center parody. Granted, it”s not the worst waste of time on “DWTS,” but it isn”t Sport Center (best commercials ever, by the way). Kenny Mayne and Jerry Rice are game to look like idiots in pseudo dance attire, but you can tell this whole routine is a bit thrown together. I”d love it if the stats sheets stayed on the screen long enough for us to read them, as they”re funnier than the rest of the routing. In short, they declare that Kirstie is old and she babbles, while Romeo does everything for the children (sometimes for the troops, but mostly the children) and needs to lose some fat from his excessively chiseled abs. Len Goodman sits at the table and largely looks lost. Really, I think

 

Michael Bolton and Delta Goodrem perform “I”m Not Ready.” Michael Bolton is looking more like Rod Stewart every day. I still don”t understand how he became a professional singer, because he always sounds like he has a head cold to me. Delta, however, is very good, which only succeeds in making Michael Bolton look kind of bad.

 

Backstage, Brooke asks if everyone”s nervous and if anyone thinks they”re going home. Romeo points out that “The competition is very competitive.” Sigh. Really, Romeo? Go ahead, plug something. It”s better than listening to Brooke ask the same questions she asks every damn week.

 

The three Tuita brothers dance. Hefa, the oldest, is one of Chris Brown”s dancers. They”re all very talented. Their dad died. It”s sad.

 

Next, Delta steps in for Adele to sing “Natural Woman.” Adele is, apparently, under the weather. But not so under the weather that she can”t sing her hit “Rolling in the Deep” later in the show.

 

Kenny Mayne, Jerry Rice and Len Goodman return for Dance Center. Kenny Mayne has dipped from deadpan to looking sort of depressed that he”s even doing this. He and Jerry declare that Ralph looks like a kid who got beat up after school. Then, Len worries about Ralph”s hips. Kenny thinks that”s weird, which it is, but it”s the bad crap someone at “DWTS” wrote, so he shouldn”t hold it against Len. There”s some prattle about Hines that”s not even worth rehashing. Oh, and Kenny can”t believe Chelsea”s costumes.

 

Adele is finally ready to perform. But wait a minute. Only two couples are safe and we have fifteen minutes to go? With only five (and soon four) couples left, the results show really shouldn”t be more than a half hour at this stage. Anyway, Adele sings “Rolling in the Deep.” Oh, look, it”s the “DWTS” Dance Troupe. I guess we should just be glad we didn”t have to listen to them natter on about how hard it is to dance! And they love being on the show! And they work so hard!

 

Finally, the last three couples are on the block. We see Ralph gimp around a bit. The guy has had some bad luck, and not just with his hamstring. He”s gotten some really crap songs to dance to. “Stuck in the Middle”? Ugh. Anyway, last night Chelsea was so happy

about her two tens. And she had fun. Romeo, on the other hand, thought it was messed up that his scores landed him near the bottom. Romeo, why can”t you just be happy and smiley like Chelsea? She may believe in the tooth fairy (according to Dance Center), but at least she doesn”t sulk about her scores.

 

The first couple in jeopardy is… Ralph & Karina. The next couple in jeopardy is… Romeo & Chelsea. What”s with all the booing from the audience? You got your votes, audience members, behave. Chelsea & Mark will be dancing in the semi-finals, whoot!

 

So, three minutes left in the show. Can we get to the final result, “DWTS”? Please? Karina looks like she”s going to cry. Chelsie looks like she”s going to cry. Poor things. I wonder if it”s hard watching another week”s paycheck disappear before their eyes when their celebrity gets the boot. The couple going home is… Romeo & Chelsie.

 

Brooke asks Romeo if he”s surprised. Really, Brooke, is there a good response to that? “Yes, because my fans love me and everyone else sucks!” But Romeo says he is and he isn”t, which is a fairly reasonable answer. Everyone is giving him a standing ovation. His life is changed forever! He didn”t dance at his own prom! He showed kids anything is possible if they try! He”s fearless now! I”m almost sad to see Romeo go now, what with all the encouragement to little kids and his newfound love of dance. And then he plugs his Twitter account. And now I remember why I found him annoying.